Thursday June 14 2012


Waking up super late – around 1:45 p.m.

Hot Oat Bran with Cinnamon, Brown Sugar, Blueberries, and Almond Milk.

Watching Swimming with Sharks (1994).

Downloading music.

Grilled Cheese (Soy) with Tomato. Salt n Vinegar Chips. Aloe Vera Drink.

Finishing the movie.

Fixing the vacuum cleaner and vacuuming my room – changing bed sheets – misc house chores.

Rewarding myself with a Caramel-Filled Chocolate Bar.


Kristin calls with some heavy thoughts about the limbo she feels like she’s (we’re) in. Worried that she’s wasting her time...


Me: “Maybe you’re just a shiftless dreamer. A lot of people are. Not everyone can be a visionary.”


Her: “You just want me to be so patient and tolerant of your life.”


Her: “I like to be taken seriously. I think I just deserve to have time spent with me. I’m like really fragile.”


Her: “I just feel like you wanna float.”


I stay preoccupied with things and keep myself busy. We both see this as a red flag, a problem we could have in the future if we were to date. The conversation hits intense levels but simmers down with clear and honest reflections.

Friends and roommates downstairs. Making dinner.

Tuna Steak with Broccoli, Green Peppers, Carrots, Onions, and Rice.

I share some of the unfiltered sake I got from Kotobuki with everyone.


Making my bed – spreading out fresh new sheets – putting away clothes. Gillian walks in. I encourage a night walk through the neighborhood. Sipping on a Hard Cider and smoking a clove. Talking about the future and other such things in life. Passing through The Friends School. The swings. Atop the slide. Enclosed in the plastic barricade. A familiar sexual tension. An intrusive temptation. 


We return to the house. I check my phone, which I left behind, to find Margot calling me. Really? Again? And I’ve missed exactly 62 missed calls, just like last time. My goodness. And always at desperate emotional hours. Let’s go through the text messages...

“Do not ignore me just cause ‘we shouldn’t be talking’ call me back!”

“Look I’m outside your house right now so either you come out or I’m coming in. Your choice. I know you’re here. Look I saw Darren at the window. Obv you know I’m around. Get the fuck out of your house and talk to me. Or at least answer your goddamn phone and stop being such a bitch. I’m not drunk but sure as hell pissed.”

“I’m relentless and you know this. So you come out right now and talk to me or I keep calling till you pick up the phone.”

“You need to answer my calls RIGHT NOW”

“Look I don’t want to act crazy to get your attention but if that’s the only thing that’ll do it then you leave me no choice. ANSWER YOUR PHONE NOW. I DO NOT CARE WHO THE FUCK YOURE WITH THEY ARE NOWHERE NEAR AS IMPORTANT AS ME”

“You are such a fucking coward. How about you man up and answer your phone? But I’m sure you won’t do that cause you’re such a pussy bitch. Grow some goddamn ballz. Oh and tell that bitch you’re fucking that I said eat shit and die.”

Of course I’m just now reading these. I decide to call her back. She’s not drunk but had a bad day fueled by people flaking out on her. And of course I’m her last resort. We engage in a conversation – listening to her vent to me about all her friends being unavailable. She tries to convince me to come over and spend the night in her bed. I’m apprehensive...

“This is bad timing.”

Oh the female toxin that consumes my life. I hate it but I can’t leave it. It’s near impossible.

I drive over to her place. It’s after 2:30 a.m. I jump into bed with her. Holding. Snuggling. This is all she wanted. Someone whom she knows cares lying next to her.

I make fun of her, “Why don’t you just get a human sized stuffed animal?”

Her: “Because. It’s not the same.”


Chatting for a little bit before we fall asleep.

[i] Michael Marsicano.

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