DREAM: I’m involved in an intense showdown between a drug cartel and myself with a bunch of vigilantes of some sort. I’m strangling the crime boss—the time drags on and nothing happens—he’s choking but not passing out. His face is puffy and red—struggling to breathe. I use different positions and different ways of grappling his neck. I’m super pissed about the whole operation. His followers are all in the room watching—I guess they take it as punishment because they’re not fighting back. Eventually I realize I can’t kill him and just exit the room. Later, I pull Margot aside and angrily reprimand her for hanging out with that guy James Duke who’s tried to kiss her twice in waking life. I don’t hurt her but I’m being forceful—shaking her up a little bit. Immediately I feel guilty for acting out of line but also justified...
Cream Cheese Danish. Coffee with Caramel Macchiato Cream.
All day shift at China Wok. My bosses were late today.
At 7:33 a.m. I received a text from Margot: “Good morning! I love you.” The only time she ever texts me things like that at ungodly hours is if she’s done something she feels guilty about/something with another guy...
At 12:15 p.m. I respond: “i predict you did something with another guy last night.”
And I was correct. I have a right to feel sad and uncomfortable with this but I don’t have ownership over her and what she does anymore. But the fact that it was with James Duke, the guy that already attempted to kiss her two different times, is unsettling. He knows me and is good friends with one of my roommates. I’m sure that’s the reason I haven’t seen his face around here recently—he’s been pursuing her. So now they have officially and mutually and affectionately kissed/made out.
Snapping the peas...
Egg Sandwich with Mayonnaise and Tomato. Salt n Vinegar Chips. Honey Green Tea.
I invite Margot to ride around with me on my deliveries, but with hesitation cause I’m irritated about things...
I get fired up a little bit...and reprimand her but it’s only for selfish and jealous reasons.
Her: “You know I’d rather be kissing you but that’s not really something we should be doing if we’re not together in a relationship anymore.”
I bring up the concept of complete and total non-contact for an indefinite period of time, which we’ve done and tried before but I’m really serious about it this time...
Me: “You can’t stay connected to me then. Like, that’s the deal. I can’t know you’re doing this shit!”
Me: “Sorry. I—I have feelings for you. I feel connected to you. I love you. I care about you. Even more the reason why we can’t stay in contact through this. I’m not blaming you for wanting a distraction or wanting to seek out attention from other people. I just take it personally because I take it personally, because of how I feel about you. I get a little jealous. Plus I feel over protective. I don’t want you to get hurt either. Again, I don’t have any right. Make your own decisions. Hang out with whoever you want.”
Her: “I was with a guy who was worth my time but he decided I wasn’t worth it anymore.”
Me: “That’s not what I said to you. That’s not how it is. Obviously I chose to be with you because you were worth my time.”
Her: “Yeah, and you changed.”
Me: “This is just more conducive for my life.”
Me: “I made the decision for lots of reasons. And one of the big reasons was it being conducive for my life to be single and not be in a relationship with somebody because the energy I need to put forth into other things. And that’s always been a big reason. Now...we’ve developed something really intimate and special that I don’t have with anybody else and you don’t have with anybody else. And it’s the kind of bond that is extremely hard to break. It’s not one of those things where we need to be pining or hoping or thinking, Okay maybe two years from now we will get back together or we will get married one day. I seriously do think that a bond like this can resurge itself when the time is right for both people...”
Me: “Like yesterday...I have these moments, these little moments where I’m driving around where a song comes on or I just look up in the sky and I just think about you and...you know, I just have those emotional moments with you on my mind. And yes over time, however long that may take, those moments won’t be as strong and they’ll come and go cause there’ll be a distance. But what we created is not going away. It’s not going to disappear cause we made it. You have one half and I have the other half. And I’m not gonna let go. I’m just gonna put it away. And it’ll be for another time or for not another time…….I think if its something that can stand the test of time then yes it will happen again and it will be because we want it to. But I can’t say for sure because I don’t know what life’s going to be like in two years. I don’t know what my life’s gonna be like. Neither do you.”
Me: “The mindset is important. The mindset should be...this is an end. However I am not God. I don’t own the future. I don’t know what’s going to happen in two, even five years. I don’t know. Sometimes space helps you think and reconsider what you had and what you don’t have. [sigh] It’s a tough game. This whole love game is really tough.”
Her: “If you ever wanted to be with me again I’m pretty sure I would drop whatever I was doing...”
Me: “I can’t imagine that actually happening though. I can’t imagine you talking with some guy for three months or something, already having sex with him like having this relationship and when I call you up you drop everything?”
Her: “Well it’s not like you’d be like, hey I want you back. You’d just come back into my life and I would probably leave him for you.”
Me: “Depending on the guy. What if you really like this guy?”
Her: “I love you. You came first. You have dibs.”
Me: “You have to stop reading my blog. That has to be part of it, too. You realize that. That’s part of the deal. If I can’t know about your life then you can’t know about mine. That’s not fair.”
Her: “I can read it if I want to! You put it out there for everybody to read, Robert.”
Me: “...Otherwise we’re not doing what we’re saying we’re doing. Reading the blog is pretty much the same thing as talking to me! This is what I’m asking you to do and you can’t read it. We can’t be friends on Facebook. We can’t see what we’re doing. This has to be part of it otherwise it’s not going to work. Like, you have to agree to do that.”
Me: “I can’t make you do it. But it’s on your own.”
Her: “You’re really not gonna find anybody better in bed than me.”
Me: “You don’t know that.”
Her: “Yeah I do...you said I was the best.”
Me: “So far...”
Me: “I’m just saying all I can know is so far.”
Her: “I like pretty things for me to look at.”
Me, mocking: “I like pretty things for me to look at.”
Her: “I like your face. Can I have it?”
Me: “My face.”
Her: “Can you give it to me?”
Her: “Can you make it a copy?”
Me: “No. There’s pictures of me online.”
Her: “Can you share it?”
Me: “You can take the pictures.”
Her: “I don’t want the pictures. I want you. I want the real thing.”
She leaves to hang out with her mom and I continue solo for the last few hours of work. I almost cry at one point thinking about missing...missing her...seeing myself missing her...feeling sad.
Tofu and Mixed Vegetables in Garlic Sauce with Rice.
Oh man, critical conclusions have been realized today.
Anthony shows us a screening of one of his 3 favorite films of all time, Cinema Paradiso . All of us gathered around the tube reading English subtitles over the Italian audio. Besides the usual 1435 crew, Jonathon, Josiah, and Ken Nishimoto, make an appearance...
Sharing Chocolate Chip Cookies and Milk.
Afterwards...of course whenever’s Skippy’s here the lure and appeal of picking on Kevin is too overwhelming for him. I grab the video camera and film the whole thing...everyone is involved, even Jonathon. Kevin is submersed underneath a pile of clothes and boxes and a chair. They attempt to rouse him with popping sounds and screaming. Mugs are thrown and mirrors shattered...
Kevin: “Get the fuck out of my room!”
Relaxing with a beer.
Sleep 4:30 a.m.