Thursday October 6 2011

Around 10 a.m. Carmen informs me the maintenance guy is here to get the power running again and they’ll need access to my room because that’s where the panel is. Lucky me for choosing this room when we first moved in considering all the multiple power issues we’ve had.

I’m in and out of sleep as the guy repeatedly enters my room, cutting a hole in my bedroom wall and fiddling with wires and switches. My dreams intertwine with the progress he’s making…

Out of bed just after 1 p.m. Back to a normal functioning electric household.

Banana. Brown Rice Green Tea.

Getting groceries.

I think I’ve avoided the emotional touch…thoughts…perspective…but I still hold dear those valuable feelings…stored away in an unaffected region of my heart. The great thing that we call time has given me a focus and a necessary distance…to be free…to be open to the beautiful…

Your friend is still here…I never left your timeline.

Grilled Cheese with Tomato and Basil. Creamy Tomato Soup. Lemonade.

Eyes Wide Shut [1999].

Researching computer stuff.

Long-boarding around the neighborhood.

Anthony, Kevin, and Richie are jamming Pinball Locomotive songs in the bedroom next to me. I open the door and roll a basketball Anthony’s way and shut the door hoping that would communicate something…

On the Friend’s School basketball court shooting the ball. Anthony got the message…he strolls up with the ball I gave him. Last time we were here we had similar revelations through conversation…talking about the state of things, the changes in characters in both our lives, the ever-living feeling of missing.

A few days ago I planned a dinner date with Margot—we go to Plaza Azteca…Guacamole Dip with Chips and Salsa = a delicious party in my mouth. Interrogation time.

Her: “So who’s this girl…?”

Me: “Are you serious? Look you don’t have a right to worry but even if you did you don’t need to worry. She’s just a new character.”

It’s funny when there’s no thing, how people make things out of them anyway…The thing about it is I really don’t have any reason to hide anything. I am conscious that whatever I expel in this blog is public information to a lot of people that matter. Am I afraid to admit when I’m attracted to other people, especially you? No. I was telling Anthony earlier that I feel I’m in an unaffected state of mind—unattached. I’m free flow now. I don’t need to be afraid of honesty.

Back at the house…in my room. She sprawls out on the bed lying on her stomach. I straddle her on the thighs offering back massage fingers…I can’t control the impending blood flow…sharing that sacred space inside each other………………………..

Out of breath. Warm. Next to one another. Exhausted. A major headache ensues.

Me: “Just a body…”

Her: “I like being naked underneath the blankets with another naked body…NAKED! Naked!”

She’s about to leave…

Me: “I think we need to know where we’re going with this. Just a few days ago we talked about it with the sex proposal…and I pretty much said no. And now we just had sex. Twice.”

Her: “I don’t wanna have sex with someone who isn’t my boyfriend…who doesn’t want to be with me.”

Me: “Okay then. What are we doing?”

Me: “Look, I know this is what we know. That’s the reason. But we need a goal. We need to know what we’re doing. Just keep it on the edge of our minds.”

I know we can’t keep having sex. I knew that before tonight. The plan was just to get dinner and that’s it. But of course we had to reconvene in my room. And of course she had to wear some new sexy dress that accents the treasures of her body a little more than usual. And her sweet demeanor doesn’t help either. But there it is. Another night. Another day goes by. Disenchanted with the disconnect.

Mmm. Brown Rice Green Tea.

Cheerios with Brown Sugar.

Finishing Eyes Wide Shut [1999].

Maybe I think we should be grateful…grateful that we’ve managed to survive through all of our adventures…whether they were real or only a dream.

Sleep 3:15 a.m.


<> said...

“There are many things in your heart you can never tell to another person. They are you, your private joys and sorrows, and you can never tell them. You cheapen yourself, the inside of yourself, when you tell them.”

Just reflect.

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