This is an open and unfiltered diary-style journal
on the life of James Robert Smith.
This blog will contain sometimes graphic experiences (both beautiful and ugly),
sometimes stark insight, and all honest and factual documentation of dreams, diet, activity, and thoughts.
Oatmeal with Cinnamon, Blueberries, Flax Seed, and Almond
Milk. English Breakfast Tea.
Catching up on business and chores.
Banana.
At the studio for a minute printing some things and dropping
off my truck for Andrew to detail and clean.
At the ELO warehouse adding some labels to the merch rack to
make it dummy proof – also setting up my keyboard rig.
Cashews.
Tristan Stewart links up with me at the house and we ride
bikes to the oceanfront. Meeting up at Baja Cantina for tacos. Elliott, Aaron,
and others are here.
...
Across the street at the 24th Street stage Mae
and Logan Vath are performing. It’s a bit of a reunion seeing a bunch of the
Mae dudes and other friends from long ago.
Back home. I take a walk to the studio to clean up some
things at the 104 space and retrieve the freshly detailed truck. It’s a
beautiful night to walk even if it is through the rough terrain of the
construction of Hilltop.
At Music Makers teaching – unusual for a Saturday afternoon
but Rebecca and I have makeup lessons to do.
Afterwards, her and I hang most of the day – grabbing some
lunch at Stockpot – talking about the concept of time and the origins of
theater.
...
Then, scooping up some new merch from Nigel’s house. At the
warehouse we start sorting, labeling, and counting inventory for the entire
merch rack – so many shirts to organize and wrap.
After that, at Music Makers clearing out the 104 space for
dance tomorrow.
Finally back home making dinner for myself: Kidney Beans
with Sardines, Chard, Quinoa, and Naan Bread.
Catching up on chores.
Riding my bike down at the oceanfront – listening to
nostalgic tunes and letting the ocean wind cleanse my soul.
At IdentiGO, located in a business park that looks straight
outta the 90’s, to get my TSA PreCheck. I set up this appointment many months
ago. I literally just handed a dude my birth certificate and an ID, he snaps a
photo, I pay some money, and bam I got new privileges at the airport.
At Music Makers working on some scheduling things.
Home. Eating lunch: Eggs, Chard, English Muffin, Sweet
Potato, and Coffee.
At the Rec shooting some basketball.
Stopping by Whole Foods for some fruit and such.
Coconut Water.
Back at the studio interviewing a potential new voice
teacher, Adrianne, with Rebecca. She seems very nice and knowledgeable.
Dinner: leftover stuff mixed with fresh stuff. Peas,
Carrots, Vegan Sausage, Quinoa, and Pita with Hummus.
Watching The Staircase
(2004).
Protein Cookie. Green Tea.
And once again back at the studio. Building this piano I
bought a month ago and rearranging the pianos to different rooms.
Oatmeal with Cinnamon, Blueberries, Flax Seed, and Almond
Milk. English Breakfast Tea.
Workout with Vlad.
Banana.
Eggs. Chard. English Muffin. Coffee. Sweet Potato.
Picking up some pants from the tailor.
Teaching lessons at Music Makers.
Grabbing some dinner with Rebecca at Las Palmas.
Later on, at the storage unit for Ladada practice with
Josiah, Wes, and Bobby. We work hardcore on some new tunes. Afterwards, I
explain how Ana and I are officially broken up and such – Josiah mentions some
memory of his from his New York days hopping on top of school buses and that
jogs an early memory I have of Ana and I back in 2013 having a fun time
together involving a school bus.
Rebecca and I conduct our ELO meeting with Kevin and Nigel –
more discussion on the big weeklong trip coming up. They recently obtained a
big shuttle bus for us to tour in now so a lot of prep work is being done on
it.
At the studio – meeting with an estimator for Atlantic
Glass. Then, working hard on the schedule cause Addy had to call out of work
today.
Eggs. Spinach. English Muffin. Sweet Potato Chips. Coffee.
Teaching a full day of lessons.
Afterwards, Modern Day Warrior is supposed to meet – it
turns out being Thomas, Luke, and I. So I fill in on bass to go over a few
tunes. It’s productive as we can be.
Back home. I warm up a small amount of leftovers. While I
wait Elvis hops into my lap vying for affection. Ana walks down the stairs for
a moment barely acknowledging me but being cordial I suppose. Lately, I’ve been
forgetting the separation between her and I, sort of pushing it all in the back
of my mind but every now and then I’m faced with the memories and the
questions. It’s still amazing to me how little she’s chosen to interact with
me.
Chores – dishes – laundry – catching up on business.
Oatmeal with Cinnamon, Blueberries, Flax Seed, and Almond
Milk. English Breakfast Tea.
At the gym working out.
Coconut Water.
Eggs. Spinach. English Muffin. Sweet Potato Chips. Coffee.
Teaching lessons at Music Makers.
Running some errands.
Making Naan Pizzas for Rebecca and I. We finally get around
to watching the rest of the Broadway show that Bobby edited. We chat about all
the things we wanna look out for next time.
Granola Cereal with Blueberries, Strawberries, and Tea.
Catching up on business.
Reorganizing an area in my room and building a shoe rack.
Running errands.
Eggs. Kale. English Muffin. Coffee.
Meeting up at the warehouse. Mike and I take measurements of
my keyboards with plans to build a piano shell. Meanwhile, Kevin and Rebecca
are folding shirts for the merch rack. I give a hand to make the job go faster.
Afterwards, Rebecca and I grab dinner at Shake Shack.
Everybody in the world seems to be out tonight (cause of Memorial Day). We wait
patiently on the patio and talk about all the current everything under the sun.
Back home. Catching up on things at the computer.
Building a cube shelf for my room. Finally finished
arranging the shoe rack.
Oatmeal with Cinnamon, Blueberries, Flax Seed, and Almond
Milk. English Breakfast Tea.
At Music Makers. Rebecca and I have a few lessons to teach –
makeup lessons. Cleaning some pianos afterwards.
Picking up some things from Target.
Eggs. English Muffin. Chips. Coffee. Kale.
Watching The Lakers
Dynasty thing on HBO.
Cleaning the bathrooms – mainly the shower and toilet in the
hallway bathroom then the downstairs guest bathroom.
Aloha Snacks for dinner. Sitting with Rebecca outside on
the new patio enjoying Chicken Rice Bowls with Malasadas.
Then, back at the house we attempt to watch some Broadway
footage in the living room but the file is taking too long to buffer so instead
we watch some SNL clips. Elvis of course provides entertainment.
Later on, I mop and clean up the 104 space and organize
things at Music Makers.
I invited Rebecca to grab some brunch with me at Commune.
It’s pouring down rain. We sit at the bar – the usual waiters and waitresses
are here. I imagine seeing a new female character sitting next to me might be
noticeable. I order Strawberry Waffles with Bacon and Coffee.
Picking up my car from the shop – had to get an inspection,
oil change, and fix an electrical wiring issue.
At Music Makers putting away an order that came and chatting
with Allyson. I stick around longer than I expected cause of these new
ukuleles. Also, I show one of Rebecca’s students, Stephanie, some pointers on
the uke.
Picking up some groceries.
Back home. Taking care of things. Catching up on business.
PB&J English Muffin. Tea.
While sipping on tea Ana suddenly knocks on my door. I
haven’t seen her literally all week – it’s very strange. I invite her in. We
need to talk about a few logistics of her moving out but we also chat a bit
about what’s going on. I try to ask her if she’s talking to anyone at the
moment. She says no but I’m pretty certain she is – I think she’s afraid to
tell me. I assure her it’s okay and that it would be nice to put some
conclusion to things knowing that.
...
After she leaves she texts, “I appreciate you being gracious. You are a great person with a great
and understanding heart. I’m glad we were able to chat for a bit. I only wish
for the both of us to move upward to happiness in our individual lives. Thank
you for always being there for me all these years. You also know how to be a
good listener.”
Hearing that really
makes me feel better about things.
Running a few late night errands.
Making an easy dinner: Vegan Sausage with leftover
Rice/Noodles, Kale, and Naan Bread.
Watching The Lakers Dynasty series.
Later on, I invite Rebecca over to help Elvis exercise.
Bobby finally sent us the final edit from the last Broadway show so we watch
through Act I. It’s fine with me that she’s in my house – this is a rare
occurrence – it’s still a bit foreign to be hanging out with somebody other
than Ana in the living room like this.
Oatmeal with Cinnamon, Blueberries, Flax Seed, and Almond
Milk. English Breakfast Tea.
Workout at the gym with Vlad. Everyone’s talking about that
Texas mass shooting at the elementary school – it’s pretty tragic – as much as
21 death count so far.
Eggs. Spinach. Bagel. Coffee.
Teaching lessons at Music Makers.
After work, Madelaine and Addy are hanging by the front desk.
Both of them are currently undergoing stressful things in their lives – Welcome to the club, I say!
Rebecca and I grab some dinner at CAVA in Town Center, a
decent takeout Mediterranean joint. Then, grabbing some unexpected free cups of
Gelato from next door.
Back home. I suit myself up and drive out to The Banque to
meet up with Aaron and friends to celebrate his birthday. It’s my first time
here in this giant hole in the wall country western bar. It’s got history and
personality unlike any bar I’ve seen in town. The karaoke bar is located in the
back – I have a hard time finding it the first time. All kinds of characters
and cultures intersect here (cowboy, hip-hop, goth, etc.). Aaron’s perched at a
table all smiles enjoying his day. Allyson, Anthony, James, Rusty, and other
friends are here. I order a gin and tonic with a few Blue Moons and settle into
the chaos. With the PA speakers blasting we hear singer after singer wail on
the mic. Tennessee Whiskey, a local karaoke star of sorts croons all of us. I
get up there and do “Psycho Killer”, a tune I can throw down anytime I want.
...
After they close up shop I sit in the truck sipping on water
to sober up. Driving over to the Ladada practice space nearby to play a little
drums and lie down on the bench. Unhappy – thinking about Ana. But I brighten
up and get home.
Oatmeal with Cinnamon, Blueberries, Flax Seed, and Almond
Milk. English Breakfast Tea.
At the Rec working out and shooting some basketball.
Sticking to some more uplifting tunes in the ear buds today, Vampire Weekend.
Eggs. Spinach. Bagel. Coffee.
Watching The Lakers
Dynasty thing.
Teaching lessons at Music Makers.
This rain is relentless today – just depressing.
Picking up some Bangkok Garden for dinner: Tofu Pad Thai
with Broccoli.
Catching up on business and planning.
Cleaning the dishes.
I notice Ana comes in briefly after work but quickly right
back out the door off to her new dude’s house. I still can’t understand how she
so quickly uprooted her life and inserted a new person like this. It’s
something I’ll have to accept.
Snacking on Papaya.
Later on I invite Rebecca over to the house to spend some
time with Elvis. I feel bad for him cause no one really gives him attention
except for me. He warms up to her almost immediately remembering the times she
had to feed him last year. We play with him in the living room. He’s very
happy. I pick up the guitar and tune it to some open drop d tuning – creating
meditative mountain sounds. After she leaves I stay seated on the living room
floor and continue strumming the guitar emanating healing and nostalgia all at
once.
Rebecca and I head to Nigel’s for the ELO meeting – these
have been very productive and things are really coming together.
Banana.
Eggs. Spinach. Crackers. Bagel. Coffee.
Watching that Lakers series.
Teaching lessons at Music Makers.
Picking up a few things from Trader Joe’s.
Meeting up at Mike Mosgrove’s place to talk to him about a
game plan for my keyboard rig. He’s also excited to show me his guitar
collection and workshop. He’s such a handyman.
Back home. I cook up something simple to eat for dinner:
leftover Vegan Burger, Sardines, Rice Pilaf, and Kale.
Watching.
Thinking more about her and how I really take a lot of the
responsibility and blame into the progression (or digression I should say) of
this separation. I was just sailing through life all busy juggling everything
thinking it was fail proof, like what we had developed was unbreakable, like
nothing could break it down so much that it disappeared. I allowed myself to
get distracted with everything else and neglect the one person that 110%
supported me and wanted to be with me. I squandered a good thing. But then
another side of me thinks this happened exactly the way it was supposed to.
However, I don’t want to believe that either.
Once again I can’t sleep past 10. I keep waking up and my
mind is wandering.
Oatmeal with Cinnamon, Blueberries, Flax Seed, and Almond
Milk. English Breakfast Tea.
At the gym putting in a good workout – listening to newly
discovered Unknown Mortal Orchestra.
Eggs. Spinach. Sweet Potato. Bagel. Coffee.
Teaching lessons at Music Makers.
Back home. Lentil Vegetable Soup with Vegan Sausage and
Croissant Toast.
Watching Winning Time:
The Rise of the Lakers Dynasty (2022).
Cleaning up all the old boxes above my bed. Meanwhile, also
waiting for Ana to get home so we can talk. We planned ahead.
Later in the living room we sit relaxed and calm with tea in
hand just catching up on things first. Then, I give her this double sided typed
letter “Apologies, Thoughts, & Thank
You’s”. I admit all the things I’ve done wrong to get us to this point of
no return. I explain how I understand her need to seek out happiness elsewhere
in her life. Listening and letting things out with a few tears – all the while
Billie Holiday plays quietly on the iPad. I have many thoughts to express like
how sorry I am for neglecting her and how close of a link she is to my mom
before she passed. I get very emotional but stay level headed.
...
I point out how she made three choices that I never made
first...
Confession: Being the first one to confess she liked me back
in 2013.
Proposal: Being the first one to propose marriage.
The End: Being the one to make the decision to end the
relationship officially.
...
Overall, we really get on the same page and realize we can
keep things amicable and still be really good friends. She holds my hand and we
share a hug for a minute that reassures me things will be alright.
Oatmeal with Cinnamon, Blueberries, Flax Seed, and Almond
Milk. English Breakfast Tea.
Catching up on things.
Chatting with Ana in her room for a bit – just friendly
things – nothing too deep. Meanwhile, Elvis sits atop his tower like a king.
Pondering and thinking and meandering in the wells of my
mind about Ana and I. Coming to the realization that she is talking with
someone else. It’s not her fault. It’s mine totally. I neglected and pushed her
away. I let myself get distracted with everything else.
I continue about my day – dealing with things at the house.
Rebecca joins me on some errands to the Asian Market,
Kroger, and Whole Foods.
Later on, I bring a drinking coconut over to her place to
share and catch up on the latest. I give her the complete lowdown on my
situation with Ana – she knows mostly what’s going on but not everything. It
feels good to let it out so she knows what I’m dealing with and the emotional
battle I’ve been facing. It’s hard for me to hold back the tears but I manage.
She brings some good perspective – how I should try not to look at it as I
pushed her down this path but rather I GOT her to this path she’s chosen. I
need to take responsibility for my part in the downfall of our relationship but
also understand it involved both Ana and I.
Letting this excerpt from The Prophet resonate with
me,
“For even as love
crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for
your pruning. Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest
branches that quiver in the sun, so shall he descend to your roots and shake
them in their clinging to the earth.
...
Love possesses not nor
would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.”
Dinner: Tuna Steak with Brussel Sprouts and Potatoes.
Ana’s off work at 11. I attempt to have a one on one
conversation with her where she’s not rushing out the door. But she’s adamant
about not linking up cause she already has plans. It’s been very apparent that
she’s “talking” to someone else. It stings a little at first but I understand
she is seeking happiness elsewhere cause it’s not here.
Dropping my car off at the shop – it’s almost midnight –
then walking back home. It’s a beautiful summer night too. I don’t know why but
I generally feel better about everything.
Waking up off and on cause I can’t seem to stay asleep.
Still feeling anxiety cause Ana hasn’t come home yet.
Out of bed by noon. Blackberries.
I meet up with Addy at Session off Shore Drive. The owner
guy recognizes me from the last time Ana and I ate there.
...
Earlier in the week we had to cancel all of Addy’s lessons
cause her and Jordan hit the last straw. So she’s been dealing with logistics
of moving out of their house and all that. I figured it’d be good to catch up
and encourage as much as I can. I also have no choice but to relay what’s been
going on with me.
Back home. Showering up. Rebecca got invited to a birthday
party of Joshaura’s, one of our students at Music Makers. I tag along. It’s way
out by Ocean Lakes. Stopping into the DAV Thrift store and perusing the endless
aisles of knick knacks.
...
At the birthday house. It’s essentially a bunch of teenagers
doing karaoke. Dylan, the brother, is card throwing at all the balloons. But
Rebecca and I help sings some songs with the birthday girl. At some point, “A
Whole New World” from Aladdin comes up. Immediately it triggers emotions from
when Ana and I sang it last year in Broadway. I sing politely in the
background.
Back home. Cleaning up the living room and vacuuming
everywhere I can.
At some point Ana gets off work. Her and Allyson are about
to go to Smartmouth for some Funk Fusion event. I catch Ana outside before she
gets in the car and have an emotionally expressive moment. I can barely say the
words I love you without quivering
lips. We do share a tender moment as I touch a little on the thoughts going
through my mind. I’ve been heart sick most of the day even though I was with
people.
Driving over to the warehouse to pick up my wardrobe.
Meanwhile, Rebecca and Jimmy the Greek are here trying to figure out how to add
this mesh material to the merch rack. I bring by a staple gun to help.
At home. Having some quick dinner: Vegan Burger with Hummus,
Sweet Potato, Cucumber Salad, and Kale.
Watching Better Call
Saul.
Doing some serious thinking. Downstairs on the couch reading
The Nature of Love by Kahlil Gibran to get me sleepy and keep my mind at
bay. Attempting to sleep for a few hours then returning to bed.
Waking up off and on throughout the morning – I just can’t
seem to stay asleep after the hot sun is out. And plus I’ve got a lot weighing
on my heart.
Breakfast Bar. Tea.
I knock on Ana’s door to talk with her. I stand there
leaning up against her black dresser holding my cup of tea just trying to catch
up but she just has this wall up and is acting irritable that I’m even in here.
I try to express my heart about the situation but she’s got many things to do
today.
At some point I just declare, “I won’t waste any more of
your time,” and sheepishly return to my room.
...
Sitting on my bed I can’t help but cry. Before Ana leaves
the house she gratefully checks in on me and gives me a hug.
“You’ve been my best friend,” I tell her with shaky lips.
At the Rec I get caught up in a few pick-up basketball games
– running up and down the court burning off calories.
Spinach Salad with Eggs, Tomatoes, Beets, and an English
Muffin. Coffee.
Watching Better Call
Saul.
Driving to Norfolk. On the way I’m feeling lost and
hopeless. I discover a few songs related to a song Ana sent me a while back in
the genre vein of contemporary R&B soul. Aaron Frazer’s “You Don’t Wanna Be
My Baby” in particular really affects me.
...
Stopping by Nomad’s to collect some shirts I had on consignment.
Then, stopping by H&M to return some pants.
At the studio I reorganize a bunch of things.
Back home. Warming up some dinner.
Composing some words.
Playing piano.
Chores – laundry – changing the cat litter.
Having a hard time getting to sleep. I know Ana is still out
– it’s likely she’s spending the night somewhere else – I have no idea where –
she doesn’t communicate anymore and it hurts.
Waking up to the disturbing sound of maintenance banging
away at something just outside the window. I can’t really get back to sleep
properly.
Arising at 11:20 a.m.
Oatmeal with Cinnamon, Blueberries, Flax Seed, and Almond
Milk. English Breakfast Tea.
I unexpectedly get myself into a sentimental moment.
Entering Ana’s room as she’s putting on some clothes to meet her mom and
brother downstairs. I was feeling sad last night and earlier this morning.
“I need to tell you something. I’m just...” I stutter as my
lips start shaking. “I’m just sad!”
I embrace her and begin weeping into her shoulder. I can
barely form words for the next 30 seconds.
“I’m sorry. I don’t wanna lose you,” I add.
“You’re feelings are valid,” she replies.
Elvis is perched on her broken guitar amp. I take a breath
and pet him – and she goes with her mom and brother out to eat. I’ve never
cried like that around her not since my mom passed. I’m not sure what to make
of it. I know exactly what I’m feeling but I’m also afraid and stuck in a
limbo.
I head off to the gym to do a workout with Vlad. He’s got
some Italian lady watching and learning how to train.
Coconut Water.
Eggs. Spinach. Sweet Potato. Bagel. Coffee.
Teaching lessons at Music Makers.
Eating some leftovers at home.
Then, Wes and I head to Ladada band practice at the storage
unit. Community Witch is always just finishing up their practice. We work on
some original tunes and let out the cathartic jams.
...
On the drive back I introduce Wes to the jazz infused indie
sounds of Crumb.
Oatmeal with Cinnamon, Blueberries, Flax Seed, and Almond
Milk. English Breakfast Tea.
Catching up on business.
Running errands – stopping by The Heritage and the tailor.
Eggs. Bagel, Sweet Potato. Spinach. Coffee.
Teaching lessons at Music Makers.
Tofu and Veggies with Rice Noodles from Bangkok Garden.
Watching a John Wayne Gacy documentary.
Catching up on business.
I gear up to go on a bike ride and on my way out I spot Ana
sitting in her car. She’s purposefully been avoiding the house after work and
I’ve felt her trying to distance herself from me. I try to chat with her but
all she can do is crack the window and say she’ll be moving out before August.
I try to express to her how sad I’ve felt about the relationship. She’s being
very stern with me about everything. I just wanted to catch up with her – I
feel like I haven’t talked with her in forever.
...
We make our temporary peace and I go on my way riding down
at the oceanfront listening to some Beethoven pondering everything – how I
regret neglecting her in any way and taking her for granted. I know the
psychology of myself holds me back from expression. I have a tendency to
sabotage relationships. Even though I’m such an open book I hide things
sometimes.
Rebecca and I meet up at Nigel’s for our weekly ELO meeting
– mainly to debrief from the weekend and prep for the June tour. Kevin’s here
too taking on more of a leadership role – we’re all getting very organized now.
Banana. Blackberries.
Errands.
Eggs. English Muffin. Spinach. Coffee.
Teaching lessons at Music Makers.
Cooking a dinner: Peas, Quinoa Pasta, Sardines, and
Cauliflower.
Ana’s home earlier than usual. I invited her to eat with me
but she declines cause she’s gotta get up super early in the morning. Ever
since I’ve been home I sense her taking effort to distance herself from me – it
feels strange cause I miss talking with her.
Doing dishes and catching up on business.
Going for a late night bike ride then stopping by the studio
to practice piano. I’ve been rehashing this Beethoven piece.
Waking up bright and early in the hotel room at 8:00 a.m.
Ron, Mike, Rebecca, and I have to get Nancy to Penn Station
in the heart of New York City. She’s gotta get on an Amtrak train. Our only
option is for me to escort her there once we arrive. I help get her to the
check-in. Then grab some bagels from a stand nearby – impeccable timing just as
the van had circled around the block I Venmo the guy $10 and dive into the van.
We continue down south on the NJTP – napping in the back –
then on 13.
Snacking and helping the time pass by sharing music.
Successfully across the Bay Bridge Tunnel but the saga
continues. Mike, Rebecca, and I have to get to Nigel’s house to drop off the
van – out load into my car – drive to the warehouse – drop off Mike – then
Rebecca and I get back into Hilltop.
It’s nice to have my own cooked meal.
Eggs. English Muffin. Spinach. Coffee.
At the gym I’m able to work out. Dion, the owner usually
hangs around past 9 to do his own things and lets me stay late.
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