Saturday June 30 2012


Waking up at 11:10 a.m.

Orange Juice. White Apricot.

All day shift at China Wok.

Getting a sunlit look at my new ride. She’s the same wagon I had before but with a fresh color. It’s a little flashier than I prefer but then again maybe not.


The counter-cultural propaganda is picking up around here. I would say this is a positive thing for Virginia Beach consumers.

It’s a fairly busy lunchtime. Too many orders at once.

Scrambled Egg with Tomato. Five Guys French Fries with Ketchup. Honey Green Tea.

Snippets of a text conversation with Kristin...

Her: “I feel exhausted. I feel drained. I feel anything but uplifted by you which I know is not your intention. My heart is reserved to be given fully not partially.”

Me: “do you understand that I love your heart and admire it??? I’m just not ready for such a fierce of a thing just yet. but I want a heart like yours eventually.”

Her: “I feel rejected. You are not as mature in your heart as me. That is a shame.”

Maybe my intentions were misunderstood? But I had none when we first met. I was open-minded to whatever course it would take...whether into something deep and soulful or something mere friendly and light. But now we’ve arrived at the end of the tunnel. We have no more time left to waste. Do we part? Or do we start?

Then...into dinnertime.

There’s been at least three different instances where I’ve been yelled at to “Slow down!” Even a standing cop at the oceanfront decides to inform me “you just ran a red light!” as I steadily drive through the stoplight when it turns from yellow to red. It has to be the cosmic force of the collective organism called traffic enforcing the laws to protect its blood cells.

It’s late. It’s past 10 p.m. Now it’s almost 11. Good lord. Get me out of here!

Finally back home. The whole gang is gathered in the dining room chitchatting and engaging in nonsensical humor. Of the group, Kristin is here too.


Tofu with Broccoli, Snow Peas, Onions, and Rice in Garlic Sauce. Mickey’s.


At some point Kristin shows me these sexually derived texts a guy sent her throughout the day. I know she’s not necessarily showing me to make me jealous but according to her she was showing me because she was kind of uncomfortable about them. I make light of it and profess out loud, “I know what you’re doing! I’m not playing this jealousy game!”

Darren chimes in, “Do you see his shirt right now? It never turns green.”

I happen to be wearing a plain mustard yellow t-shirt.

Me: “Yeah! That’s right babe! This is yellow. It’s always bright and sunny!”

The sarcastic hostility is too much for all of us. Bursts of laughter and hoot and holler fill the air.

Midnight strikes. It’s Kevin’s birthday. There’s yelling and singing.

Everyone wants to go to Rick’s Café. Kristin and I retreat upstairs to my room and have a personal meeting that turns into me offering physical pleasure. But I’m not horny for some reason. There’s a disappointment on her end. But I don’t know how to explain myself. She’s dying for sexual healing and I can’t satisfy. I feel bad. What is wrong with me?


We start talking about the deeper side of things and work through an understanding...

Me: “You have a deep well inside you. And I stand there looking over down inside deciding whether or not I should dip my bucket into it.”


She’s animated in her expression.

Her: “I have deep feelings for you.”


Me: “I like you. I do. I’m just not ready.”


More and more clarification is needed. More and more explanation.


Everything hits her in a fit of anger and rebellion.

Her: “I’m sick. This whole thing makes me sick.”


She storms out the door leaving in protest of everything. I take a deep breath and think for a minute. What is going on? Why is this happening? Do I really make people crazy? I notice her phone is still sitting on the desk. I grab it and follow the distance out front where I find her standing with big black baby eyes and a black streak on her cheek where tears have fallen. I prop myself on the cinder block and observe the thunder and lightening flash in an appropriate picturesque scene behind her glowing forlorn face. Spooky. The only way she likes it. She lives for this. I’ll admit there is a beauty in it. But it’s not necessarily a becoming moment either. I make mention how odd and fitting it is that most every time we’ve hung out a storm has loomed in the air. There’s something coincidental and enchanting about it.


A rainfall begins. I grab an umbrella and open it up. I approach and wrap my arm around her wanting body. Her head gratefully rests on my chest. I protect us from the dreadful weather around us.

Me: “Remember that scene in Moonrise Kingdom when they were standing at the top of the church and they almost jumped and there was lightning?”

I feel her head nod in agreement.

Me: “That’s what this feels like.”


After we’re done experiencing our little movie-like moment we head inside. Social antics and celebration still going on in the dining room. I venture into my bedroom and reflect. Kristin doesn’t follow. After a while I decide to go look for her. She’s upset and ready to leave after standing alone in the kitchen for whatever reason. We walk to her car and continue to debate. Everything that we’re talking about is unsettling and uncomfortable. In regards to how our ideal relationships form there’s a conflict. I move very slow...very carefully. She moves fast and without inhibition.

Me: “We come from different histories, Kristin. We come from different jungles.”


Her: “Why do we keep fighting?”

Me: “For establishment. We’re fighting for establishment.”


After all is said and done she would rather be here with me than go back to Norfolk and feel depressed. So we settle down in my room – getting ready for bed. It’s much nicer and brighter now – cracking jokes and laughing about silly things.

I read out loud to her the stormy moment I wrote about earlier. She starts laughing hysterically...

Me: “How are you laughing at yourself? It’s not a laughing matter!”


Bedtime. 4 a.m.

[i] Leonid Meteor Shower.
[ii] All other images by me.

Friday June 29 2012


☼ ○ ▬

Jumping high in the air...above traffic...avoiding possible awkward eye glances with the passerby’s.

▬ ○ ☼

Opening my eyes just before 10 a.m. She’s next to me completely naked. Even though I already received my sexual healing from last night I can’t resist the heat that encompasses our bodies. Just one more time...

Scrambled Eggs. Toast with Butter and Blackberry Jam. Orange Juice.

Watching The Rum Diary (2011).

Darren drives us to various stores for groceries and necessities.

Peanut Butter Bagel. Potato Chip Trio. Lemonade.

Running a few errands on my bike.

At home. Sitting in my computer chair. Kristin machine gun texted me earlier with some disconcerting thoughts. I call her back and we have at it. She blew me off last by not coming out to the show when she originally intended to. This isn’t the real issue though. I don’t even know what to think about any idea of “us”. But I guess you could say we come to some more conclusions – accepting certain variables in the equation that are unchangeable, at least on my part. We touch on some of the humorous aspects towards the end of the conversation but still revering the fragility of the situation.


Her: “I feel like you’re hindering me from getting on with my life. Why am I hung up on this?”


Me: “Do you think I don’t have the skills to handle you?”


Her: “I feel taken for granted. I feel like I’m a second-class citizen to you.”


Her: “I have a big problem with how much time you need for’re very self-absorbed.”


Her: “I objectify men. I have sexual tension with everybody.”


Me: “I do have a lot to give. I’m just not ready to give it.”


Her: “So how long is it gonna take to pick out your next victim?”

Me: “Shut up I should ask you the same question.”


Her: “Part of me just wants to hate you. My heart hurts.”

Me: “I feel it. I really do.”


Her: “I think we just need to let go of whatever it is we’re holding onto.”

Me: “I’m so sad and disappointed and upset. I’m sorry I brought you into this.”

I’ve come to learn something about myself. I’m too focused inward...focused on my life. I have a choice to make sacrifices in order to let someone else in. And it’s not that I think she’s not worth it. She even reiterates to me that she thinks she’s an awesome person and has a lot to offer. I can’t agree more. If I were to choose any route for a female support system in my life I would pick her. But I’m just not ready for that kind of intensity in my life. I need to stay independent. I try to get that across to her and I think we both understand where we’re coming from. With a bittersweet taste on our mouths we attempt to conclude the exchange of words. It’s not so sour now...


Her: “I hate that you’re not ready to date bc we could be awesome together.”

Baked Haddock Fillets with Kale, Mushrooms, Onions, Green Peppers, Jalapenos, and Rice. Beer.

Watching The General’s Daughter (1999).

My car is finally ready after two weeks. I meet up with my guy over at his storage unit. I got him to paint a brand new color to it, Daytona Violet Metallic, and all covered under the settlement check given to me by my insurance company.


I spend the rest of the night re-establishing my car home – fixing minor things here and there. 

Sleep at 3:30 a.m.

[i] Miranda Lehman.

Thursday June 28 2012


Waking up around noon.

Hot Cinnamon Oat Bran with Brown Sugar, Blueberries, and Almond Milk.

Watching The Rum Diary (2011).

Double Egg Sandwich with Mayonnaise and Tomato. Honey Oolong Tea.

Meeting up at the storage unit with Stephanie and Sarah (she drove from Richmond). Running through the Vaginasaurs set and introducing a new song.


Stef and I stop at Five Guys for the French Fries.


In route to Norfolk. My car’s still not done so I’m at the wheel of Stephanie’s yellow 85’ Mercedes – Stef in the passenger seat – Kevin and Richie in the back. Some of the latest You’re Jovian tunes blaring on the stereo. Snacking on some Popcorn and a Banana. Stef encourages us all to yell enthusiastic primal screams.

Stef: “C’mon, Kevin! Scream!”


Stef: “Richie?”

Richie: “Howl!”

Stef: “Alright, Robert.”

I pump out a deafening little girl scream, “AhHhHhHhH!”


There at the venue, The Jewish Mother Backstage, for You’re Jovian’s CD release party. Sipping on a bunch of Lionshead beers – hanging out – waiting for the show to start. Elliott’s uncle rocks out a one-man band rockabilly jam.


Meanwhile, Emily Hill and I have an intense brother-to-sister conversation upstairs in one of the booths. We haven’t had much of a friendship since she moved out of 1623 and checked into Norfolk some years ago. But we’ve seen each other whenever there’s a convenient collision. Wesley just broke up with her Sunday so she’s in a quite a state of affairs. I offer as much of a sound mind as I can. The rockabilly music stops. So it’s time to set up for The Vaginasaurs. We go on. After the first song a string on Sarah’s guitar breaks. Elliott provides us with his spare. Then, You’re Jovian kills it with a powerhouse set.

Tuna Lettuce Wraps for dinner.

After the show we all reconvene at Wesley’s apartment for talks and drinks. We don’t stay long though.

Back home. It’s Margot’s birthday (after midnight) and she requested my presence tonight. I don’t have any reason not to oblige. She picks me up and brings us back to her condo.


She puts on a thin lavender nightgown and plops down on the bed facedown. I hop on top and rub her back a little bit.  

Her: “You want to have sex with me don’t you?”

Me: “Not necessarily. I could be fine sleeping.” (This is not true. I’m actually sexually frustrated.)

She retorts, “Wait. You don’t want to have sex with me???”

Me: “Haha. Well, of course I do.”

This is of course her passive-aggressive way of saying to me I want to make love to you. My arms around her chest. She props up her blooming bottom. And so the sexual healing goes from there. I can’t explain how ecstatic this makes me feel. We maneuver through different positions. I’m finished. She’s perched on top of me.

I look up at her, “That was so good. I needed that. We have a inseparable bond.”


Me: “Have I ever told you how beautiful you are?”

Her: “Yes. More than once.”

Me: “Well I’m telling you now.”

We lie down in the hot room – fan turning and blowing our wanting bodies. She starts up cute rumblings about going to get food.

Me: “Now don’t start that again.”

She continues in a baby-like voice.

Me: “I forget what happens in this part of the script...oh yeah! We shut up and go to sleep.”


And forward we go into dreamland...

[i] You’re Jovian images by me.
[ii] Image by Stephanie.

Wednesday June 27 2012


☼ ○ ▬

In a library, warehouse size. It’s understood I’m in high school again. Sitting down with other students discussing our respective topics for the research paper. We each have to write a report on the psychology of something. Darren is beside me. I point out an idea...
 “How about Psychology of Entitlement? We should just flip through a Psychology Today magazine. I’m sure we’ll find some ideas.”

▬ ○ ☼

Waking up around 1 p.m.

Hot Cinnamon Oat Bran with Brown Sugar, Blueberries, and Almond Milk.

Watching Iron Man 2 (2010).

 Grilled Cheese with Tomato. Salt n Vinegar Chips. Honey Oolong Tea.

Riding my bike over to see if my car’s done yet. The lack of communication with my repair guy is unsettling. Quick stop at Target for a few things.

I receive an email from Anthony. He’s back from his adventures in Mexico...but not back home in Virginia Beach just yet. I’m sure that day will come soon...

So much to say, share, think, sing, tear apart, drive around, postulate, harmonize on, breathe into , and take cheesy polaroids of...
...But then again has it really ever been any other way?
My life force is guiding me home with models, schematics, blueprints, poems, simulacrums, penny candies, and 6 packs of hope, future, community and love.
It's our life. So let's make the picture quality the highest it can be.
It's our life. So let's turn the volume up wherever we want it.
It's our life. We've got to create the magic ourselves.
No more settling.
We're searching for higher ground and no one gets left behind.
We're all in this together. So everybody get up cause it's time to get down. Ya Dig?

Alive and Pulsing Through The Portals in Everybody's Backyards,

Practicing some songs on the guitar in the kitchen.


Kristin shows up. I concoct a dinner for us to share in my bedroom.

Beer-Glazed Black Beans with Onions. Indian Quinoa with Kale, Carrots, and Mushrooms.

We plop down on two blue beanbags and watch Red, White & Blue (2010). I’ve already seen it but she hasn’t.

Me: “I love films like this. It has the same subtlety that Drive has. It’s very tense.”

Things seem to be semi-casual between us...maybe a hint of affection but still with an undertone of doom.


Later, the boys have gathered for poker night, which we haven’t had in at least a month. It’s a full table with nine players. The usual sarcasm and brute antics ensue. It’s a lively bunch around us.

Talking with Margot on the phone. She’s informing me of her birthday plans on Friday cause she wants to see me.

Me: “This isn’t some part of a secret agenda to slip back into my life is it?”

Her: “No. My agenda wasn’t ever to get rid of you completely. I want to be integrated eventually.”

Me: “Hm.”


She really wants to sleep with me, like sleep by my side. “I want a teddy,” she begs. “Okay,” I accept. She comes over and we comfort ourselves with the presence of one another.

Sleep 3 a.m.

[i] Happiness. Quote by Paul Schmidtberger.

Tuesday June 26 2012


☼ ○ ▬

Down at the bottom of the hill, Skippy, Darren, Kevin, and Richie are shooting guns aiming at glass bottles. Some old man who lives in a farmhouse helps guide them. They’re far in the distance though so they can’t really see me. I notice a giant sea green splotch encrusted on the ground bedside me. Interestingly it matches the color of my t-shirt that I’m wearing now (and that I chose to wear to bed the night before). I run down towards the boys. They’ve decided to move out of Chanticleer and into this old farmhouse instead. It’s supposedly more economically and cheaper. I argue that this place is miles out of the city and wouldn’t be conducive for traveling back and forth.  

▬ ○ ☼

Waking up just before 1 p.m.

Hot Cinnamon Oat Bran with Brown Sugar, Blueberries, and Almond Milk.

Kristin: “Are you having a Robert recuperation day?”

Me: “that’s a good way to put it.”

It really is one of those days...

Catching up on writing.

Grilled Cheese with Tomato. Salt n Vinegar Chips. Honey Oolong Tea.

Watching Sneakers (1992).


Riding my bike up to Elliott’s on 16th street. He’s having You’re Jovian rehearsal. Stephanie shows up and we play our parts on two songs.

Afterwards, I stuff my bike into the trunk of Stephanie’s old yellow Mercedes and we drive back to my house. On the way we catch up on the past few months, the changes in each other’s lives.


Stef: “Robert, what do you do when you’re feeling bad about life?”

Me: “I don’t know. You create a safe world, like a mental escape. That’s what I do.”

At home. Wheeler meets us there. Making dinner for the three of us...

Baked Breaded Cod Fillets with Ketchup. Steamed Broccoli and Red Peppers with Rice. Carrots with Ranch.


Wheeler jets off. Then Stef and I go to the storage space to brush through Vaginasaurs songs. Sipping on Mickey’s. A fun new idea pops up called “Goth Girl”. There’s an excitement shared.


She drops me off.

In the kitchen while snacking on a Peanut Butter Bagel I get into a small debate with Darren that sparks some revelatory thoughts concerning things with Kristin.


I give her a call. At first it’s a normal “how are you” chat but gradually turns into something heavy and critical.


Her: “I hate feeling like the underdog.”


Me: “You want definition. Why do you need so much definition?”


Her: “I’m just in a weird time in my life...a weak time. I’m sorry you had to catch me when I’m fucking lonely and depressed.”


Her: “I’m just so heavy.”

I just want more calm people in my life. But I don’t want to sacrifice deepness for calmness.

[i] You’re Jovian. Images by me.
[ii] Image by Stephanie.

Monday June 25 2012


Waking up around 11:15 a.m.

Banana. Orange Juice.

All day shift at China Wok.


Grilled Cheese with Tomato. Tortilla Chips with Salsa and Avocado. Honey Oolong Tea.

Reading some excerpts from Adbusters magazine...

I text Kristin the photo about the perfume experiment.

She responds, “It resonates. I am totally a victim of the placebo effect and I totally would probably be persuaded by the masses.”

Me: “most people would. initially no one likes the feeling of disagreement.”

The topic of sex comes up...

Her: “It helps me clear my mind, which is common. When I have sex I’m focused on sex and nothing else, I am a very unfocused person.”

Me: “unsexual things are hard for you to focus on.”

Her: “More so than sexual things but not entirely...”

Me: “it makes sense.”

Her: “I don’t know maybe I just like to act/feel sexual but it’s a big part of who I am.”

Me: “I think sex has personal significance for you. you need it for different reasons...more than just biological...and more than hormonal. besides procreation and fleshly desire it comes as no surprise that people use sex for various psychological reasons.”

The day continues.

A storm is coming. Apparently there is a tornado warning for Newport News and Hampton.


For about an hour before the dinner rush the rain pours down in waterfalls. Of course, this causes a rise in business, as predicted. But you don’t see me complaining. I can deal with a few soaking pitiful moments for good tips.

Finally off work.

Tofu with Broccoli, Snow Peas, Onions, and Rice in Garlic Sauce. Wing Walker Pale Ale.

Watching Sneakers (1992).

Fortune cookie says, “Happier days are definitely ahead for you. Struggle has ended.”

I have to drop the rental car I’ve been using off at Enterprise. And hopefully my wagon will be completely repaired and in fine condition by tomorrow evening. I take the nice 20-minute walk back to the house. Smoking on a clove and talking to myself – reassuring myself that I’ve been making good decisions about life in general all things considering.

Time for sleep and relaxation.

Sleep at 3:30 a.m.

[i] All images taken from Adbusters (July/August 2012).

Sunday June 24 2012


Waking up with mild anxiety just after 11:35 a.m.

Orange Juice.

All day shift at China Wok.

My first order on 58th street is a stiff. I don’t understand these uber nice people in big houses that decide it’s okay to give exact change...and then smile about it. Being on the phone with Kristin helps.

Scrambled Eggs with Tomato. Five Guys French Fries with Ketchup. Honey Oolong Tea.

Margot had texted me last night while I was asleep: “I love you still :(” and “Come over and be with me plz” I texted her back this afternoon telling her I fell asleep early. Then she calls apologizing for saying those things and makes clear her intent is not to get back with me.

Me: “It’s okay. You were just having a moment. I understand.”

Her: “Yeah. I was.”

The day continues busily.

I text Margot back, “fyi. I really do have my moments too. being inside you feels warm, refreshing, and like returning home from war.”

I don’t know why I described it that way and I hope saying that doesn’t damper the independence we’ve both developed since we separated. It won’t. Sometimes it’s okay to say sweet things to cheer lone people up. And coming from me it will boost her ego. I think it did because she responds with, “Aw I think that’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever said to me. My heart just melted a lil bit.”

Dutched Cocoa Crème Cookies.         

On and off chatting with Kristin over the phone. She just received a new haircut from her friend Matthew and seems excited about it. The conversation is lively. I make fun of her for driving with one hand and then attempting to carry things into her apartment all the while holding her phone.

Me: “You need a headset, Kristin! I keep telling you.”

Her: “I’m not a nerd like you.”

Me: “Dude! It’s functional. I’m productive! I’m efficient!”

Her: “You’re like the poster child of all those ‘I Love Nerds’ stickers.”

[Shared laughter]

Finally off work.

Broccoli and Snow Peas with Rice.

I head over to Elliott’s place where Stephanie and I rehearse a few songs for You’re Jovian’s CD release show this Thursday. Elliott has me on a vintage synthesizer and Stephanie backing him up on vocals. Vaginasaurs are playing too. I haven’t seen Stef in a few months so it’s a cute little reunion.

Afterwards, I give Stephanie a ride to her boyfriend, Marko’s pad off Chadwick. We get there but his phone isn’t working so I suggest we throw things at his bedroom window to get his attention. At first the pennies don’t work and just bounce right off the screen frame. I find a shoe lying around on the back porch and toss it up with a little more power. [CRASH] Glass shatters.

Me: “Oops! Oh my gosh. I can’t believe I just did that.”

I totally punctured a hole in his window.

Back home.

Settling down with a Yuengling that Darren offered me.

Sleep 3 a.m.

[i] Celtic Arrow. Image by Kristin.

Saturday June 23 2012


Waking up a little after 10 a.m. Margot lies next to me, both of us restless because of the heat index in my room. Something’s wrong with the AC. Despite I still snuggle up next to her – spooning. All night I’ve had a boner. I guess that’s normal when I’m really comfortable and when lying next to her. Her backside. No pants or shorts. Just panties. Her precious bottom in full bloom. I literally can’t restrain myself from touching. I don’t know how to have control when I’m with her. There’s just this lustful fire that consumes me, turning me into a sex-crazed animal.

Banana. Orange Juice.

All day shift at China Wok.


Peanut Butter Bagel. Tortilla Chips with Fresh Guacamole. Pomegranate Cherry Ade.

The daytime is busy for deliveries. I find myself without a break. Pick up and go. Meanwhile I find time to chat with Kristin on the phone. She confesses to hanging out with this guy friend of hers last night after I left and spending the night with him, but nothing happened of significance except for cuddling. During a conversation break I ponder on this and make a deal with her that we leave all information like this out until we are exclusive because I feel it taints the current happenings and growth of the relationship. I think this is fair, and also considering I have my own confessions I could make but again, I don’t want those encounters to interfere with the process. If I were to choose to be in a committed relationship with Kristin I would without hesitation cut off all ties with Margot and any other significant female others. But there is still uncertainty and until that uncertainty goes away I am unattached.  

Snacking on Vegan Banana Chocolate Chip Muffins.

Working with an older Russian guy for the night shift. He’s very talkative and has a bucket of stories to tell. He goes on about his other delivery jobs in the early 90’s, how they used a CB radio system and had house parties twice a year at his boss’s place. 

The night continues. Kristin had planned on coming to see me tonight to give me some pictures she obtained from her thrift shopping earlier today. It’s after 10 p.m. I should be off work but of course we get a slew of orders. Kristin hops into the passenger seat and accompanies me on the last leg of my shift.


I rant to her my China Wok complaints. She always proves to be a great distraction from the delivery-driver struggles, smiling big and making fun of me.


Delivering an order on Sandy Court just past 12th street and Parks Avenue. I jump out of the car and run down the long narrow stretch of the apartment corridor. I return.

Me: “Did you catch that? That was a total Wes Anderson shot!”


Her: “I’ve never seen delivery drivers who sprint to customer’s doors. You’re just slinging bags of Chinese food.”

Me: “Yeah this isn’t pizza delivery. It’s the Asian sense of urgency.”

Finally off. Back home.

Hot and Sour Soup with Fried Noodles. Spring Rolls. Shrimp Egg Roll.

Darren had called to inform me its Lauren, our old nanny/roommate’s birthday and they’re all celebrating at Mermaids. So Kristin and I head over there. I’m a strip club virgin so this is a new experience for me. We were told to tell the bouncer, “Ron Burgundy,” a code word to get us a pink wristband for cheaper drinks. Brandon happens to be the bouncer – he used to go to my church when we were young – he recognizes me. It’s interesting that we would cross paths here. I’m out of my element, but not so much. Darren, James Graves, and Richie are here. Lauren spots me, yells at the top of her lungs and smothers me with hugs. Gin and Tonics. PBR’s. Green, streaming, sparkle, flashing. Young birds adorned with lingerie and scandalous attire dance and contort their bodies in ways you don’t see on a regular basis. I feel like I’m in a gangster movie and I should be conducting deals at a round table and slipping bills to the waitress’s hip. This isn’t your typical Navy men joint but a more hip alternative club, but still a place where objectifying women isn’t just okay but rewarded. It’s business. I mean this isn’t any different than other social events or parties or clubs. The game is the same I suppose. But here I am taking it all in. Admiring the curvy bodies swinging around the poles and flapping their legs in front of drooling men. 


Out on the smoking patio. Darren is chatting with two dudes he used to know from middle school. He jokingly presents me to everyone as this mysterious creature...

Darren: “This species of hipster lives to be 3000 years old. He was actually a hipster pharaoh. He even designed one of the pyramids!”

I chime in retort, “Okay Darren! I may be the grandfather of a hipster commune but let’s remember you’re the grandfather of hipster thought! Don’t leave yourself out of it.”


Kristin and I head back home. I’m socially and physically exhausted. But she’s the total opposite: hungry for affection and sexual satisfaction. Straddling me and smothering me with sweet kisses. It’s been a while since we’ve had sex. But to be honest I’m just not feeling it. I need to rest and decompress from all the noise of the day. As well I’m a little battered from last week’s uncertain behavior and distance. And then my run-in with Margot kind of complicated the senses. At any rate, I plop down on my bed. After Kristin leaves I don’t even change positions and fall dead asleep with all the lights on around 2:30 a.m.

[i] Image from Cavalier Magazine Nov1965.

Friday June 22 2012


☼ ○ ▬

My dreams blur into one another...from befriending inmates in solitary confinement, to drawing with markers at a concert, and then to a scene with Kristin sitting in a 20-year old car that’s solidly yellow, understood to belong to her. I approach her with concerns and try to explain my feelings and my perspective. She loses interest towards the end right when I’m about to express something pivotal and cranks up music on the stereo. I’m frustrated.

▬ ○ ☼

Waking up at noon.

Banana. Orange Juice.

According to the color yellow has a few meanings, one of them representing cowardice and also, “You have a fear or an inability to make a decision or to take action. Your desire to please others is at the risk of sacrificing your own needs and happiness.”

God, how true is that of me. How many times have I tried to please others over what’s best for me?

Having another semi-disheartening text conversation with Kristin. I really don’t know what to think anymore about her or what I feel. She’s been trying to block me out this week. It’s possible we don’t mesh in any sort of romantic relationship, at least not now for me and my life. Either way, I’ve made this special mix CD with printed lyrics and all. I just want to see her and hang out. I invite her to see that new Wes Anderson film, Moonrise Kingdom.

There’s more to this than the following but this is how it concludes...

Her: “You trying to win my affection back so you can squash it again?”

Me: “I just simply want to see you. and talk with you. this whole text communication is missing something.”

Her: “I allowed you to have a part of my heart. I chose that. And I can choose to take it away too. You just think your cute face will solve everything.”

Me: “sometimes seeing each other’s faces does help...seeing the frail human heart behind them.”

Her: “Ughhhh. I’ll go to the movie with you.”

Me: “Yes!!! finally!! my life is grand now.”

Her: “I don’t know why I am but whatever.”

Me: “yea...whatever.”

Her: “Don’t even”


Her: “Are you satisfied now that I gave in to your mind games!!! ??? Hmmmm”

Me: “I’m laughing maniacally at my computer desk.”

Her: “Is my gift a bullet to the face”

Me: “you wish your life was a horror film.”

I can’t get enough of what this song has to offer...

I'm not your nervous feeling
Each time we say goodnight
You picture buildings burning to the ground
From the basement to the streetlight
I'm not your drinking problem
A hole is in the sky
It's not your heart that you've been thinkin of
Just the feeling like you're gonna die

All you know how to do is
Shake shake
Keep your body still, keep your body still
All you do is
Shake shake shake
Keep your body still, keep your body still

I'm not your paranoia
When someone's at the door
Virgin fires calling out the throat
of a body rising through the floor
I'm not your fortune teller
I'm not your spinning bed
I'm never like you
Uncomfortable too
This is starting to fuck with my head

All you know how to do is
Shake shake
Keep your body still, keep your body still
All you do is
Shake shake shake
Keep your body still, keep your body still

Don't you realize you're fine
Oh can't you see that you're fine
And know that you're still alive
You know that you're still alive
Oh don't you know you're alive
Don't you know you're alive
Burning in the sky

Egg Sandwich with Mayonnaise and Tomato on Pita Bread. Tortilla Chips with Fresh Guacamole. Pomegranate Cherry Ade.

Watching a documentary on absinthe.

Stretching and exercising downstairs to music.

Catching up on some writing.

Heading out to Norfolk to hang out with Kristin. It’s raining and dreary. I feel like this happens often whenever I drive to Norfolk. I meet in her apartment. I give her the mix CD, to which I used a black DVD casing and painted white stripes diagonally along the front. Inside is the CD with a booklet of lyrics for the songs along with a letter attached...

I know you want to just drop this and run. I actually admire your tactic. Sometimes I wish I had enough guts to run away from things. I probably could have saved myself from many webs in the past. But my human behavior is different and it’s in my nature to be sentimental, sometimes too much for my own good and sometimes enough for other people’s good. Either way this is important to me. I carefully picked out these songs for you – most of them have direct relevance, some are subtle, and some I just thought you might like. I’ve provided lyrics for them (minus two, only because I could not find them or comprehend them in their entirety) to enhance your enjoyment. It’s possible you may find some answers, reactions, or application in their poetry.
- - -
You foresee unhappiness and dissatisfaction (red flags). I do too. And it’s such a shame. Cause after this brief time getting to know you I’ve discovered how attractive your intensity is. You present yourself as a novelty to be desired and wanted. I like that. I like you. I think you are a beautiful person and have a lot to give people. You sparked my interest for a reason. I do believe there was an ultimate purpose in our affairs. I know I have been unworthy and am wrapped up in my life. I have so many dreams and visions I want to see come true. Being in love is one of them. It’s true I am uncertain when the right time is for me to become a love slave. But how does true love behave? I believe the answer to that has been the thorn at our side. We both have different shadows and history. We’re both very complex creatures. I’m not going to fight for something you know in your heart is not good for you, if that is the case. It’s possible we might not be appropriate for each other as lovers. But the contrary is also possible. If you need to runaway then I’ll understand. I know male friendship isn’t in your cards, as you’ve explained before, but if you should choose to be done with this consider keeping me a part of your life somehow. I have a lot to offer...

She appreciates the gift. We engage in a very cool headed touch-up conversation sorting, expressing, and communicating our point of views on the limbo we’re in. The lightening and thunder provides an appropriate backdrop – the bedroom windows sometimes flashing in sync with the rhythm of our words. I feel more understood now. We head off to The Naro and catch the 9:15 showing of Moonrise Kingdom (2012). Wes Anderson delivers his best as usual.

Snacking on Popcorn and Soda.


Back at her place we eat food. I brought over some of the guacamole to share and eat my leftovers: Garlic Barbecue Mahi-mahi with Green Peppers, Onions, Mushrooms, and Rice. 


In her room we put the CD on in the background – listening and letting it lull the mood – sometimes encountering realizations – sometimes having romantic moments. The deeper we dig the more apparent it becomes that we might not match up to each other’s needs, even though there’s an obvious spark and brightness to our relationship. As has been stated before she latches on tightly to people she’s involved with – she deeply roots herself to others emotionally – human connection is priority – she needs her man to be her support system in everything. All of these ideals are respectable, however I’m grown to be more independent and autonomous. That’s the only thing that is conflicting here.


It’s after 1:30 a.m. I head back to my house at the beach.

Margot’s been hitting me up through text, pushing to spend the night with me after she gets off work, which is going to be super late. As usual I’m apprehensive. I don’t like the idea of her slipping back in my life. I won’t allow that. But she insists this isn’t a booty call and that she just wants to sleep next to me. I mean, what the hell? Why not? I leave the door unlocked and drift off to sleep. She arrives closer to 4 a.m. and joins me in bed.

[i] Hibiscus Flower. Image Source unknown.
[ii] Image by me.

Thursday June 21 2012


☼ ○ ▬

Lying in my bed. A black cat appears and starts to nuzzle me and vie for attention. It’s Moses, my cat who died a year ago in waking life. I begin to cry as I pet him. Everything wells up inside me, all my other sorrows and troubles, and I project it all into my adoration for him...

“Aw. I—I—I’ve missed youuuu.” 

▬ ○ ☼

Waking up just a little after noon.


Having a disheartening conversation with Kristin via text...

Her: “I don’t think I want to see you right now.”

Me: “seriously Kristin? you texted me ‘I don’t want to be in this right now’ and that we can talk soon about it. I deserve to be talked to face to face. I’m dying here. I’m prepared to leave this be if that’s what you want...”

Her: “I’m not ready to talk to you about this in person. I may never be able to. I just don’t want to be involved in your web anymore.”

Me: “but I have a few things to share while things are fresh on my (your) mind before too much time passes...I haven’t learned yet who you are.”

Her: “You made me hide who I was because you felt overwhelmed by my emotional nature. I don’t turn my emotions off for anyone. You simply do not have the time of effort to meet what I need. You want something easy. And I’m not easy.”

Me: “no you’re not. that’s why I have to fight.”

Grilled Cheese with Tomato. Salt n Vinegar Chips. Honey Green Tea.

Running errands. Picking up my settlement check from my insurance agent. Then meeting with the dude from Glasshouse Kustoms and cutting a fair deal to repair my car.


Aloe Vera Drink.


Its hit 95 degrees today.


Then, to the storage unit to repair a keyboard.

Back home.

Honey Barbecue Garlic Mahi-mahi with Onions, Green Peppers, Mushrooms, Carrots, and Rice.

Dutched Cocoa Crème Cookies.

After seeing me yesterday randomly at work Margot conjures up an idea to see a movie with me. She invites me out. At first I’m hesitant. I feel disconnected and offbeat about regular interaction between her and I. Plus I still have a score to settle I suppose.

Me: “I’m still uncertain if I’m ready to hang out with you like normal.”

But she’s persistent and eventually I agree.


She picks me up and we attend the showing of Snow White and the Huntsman (2012). The visuals and style of the film are surreal but all and all it’s just another adventure film and offshoot fairy-tale story.

Afterwards, she accidently kidnaps me and brings me to her house after missing the exit for mine. I grab a Magic Hat out of the fridge and listen to her say cute things. We exchange a few hugs but nothing much more physical than that.

I smile and say, “It’s kind of nice hanging out with you when you haven’t contacted me at desperate emotional hours.”

She tries to get me to stay but I make clear I want to be home so she takes me back.

Snacking on Popcorn and constructing a mix CD for Kristin.

Sleep around 4 a.m.

[i] Snow White and the Huntsman still frame.

Wednesday June 20 2012


Waking up at 11:15 a.m.

Peaches. Orange Juice.

Work at China Wok all day. Wednesdays aren’t usually my workdays but I have to cover the other driver’s shift.

I text Kristin, “I’m feeling kind of hurt.”

Her: “That isn’t my intention but I have been unintentionally hurt by you so I suppose it isn’t your fault per say it just happens.”

Quick stop at the house for lunch. Kevin’s boiling water on the stove for macaroni and cheese. He put too much water in it so it fizzes up and boils over the rim.

Me: “Grow a pair of brains, Kevin.”

Kevin: “Robert, that’s not possible.”

Me: “If you’re smart enough you’d know how.”


Egg Sandwich with Mayonnaise and Tomato. Tortilla Chips with Salsa. Honey Green Tea. Banana.

While pulling into the Hilltop parking lot I notice Margot’s car parked in a spot up front. She must be at Panera. I knew it was inevitable – this would happen eventually. I feel inclined to leave a little note on her door handle that says, “Boo! – ?”


I do a delivery. Upon returning I notice her car is still there. I send her a text inviting her to “stop by the wok.”

Her: “That’s crazy weird. I’m at Bangkok about to leave and we were gonna go to kinko’s right next door.”

She’s with a girlfriend from work. I help with the printing of some document her friend needed. Then, Margot and I share a few words at the restaurant. Briefly talking about my life, she asks in a bitter tone, “So how’s your new girlfriend?”

Me: “I don’t have a girlfriend. I don’t know. I haven’t been hanging out with her that much. I feel kind of weird talking to you about it but...I think she might be a little too intense for me. But there’s a lot more to it.”

Her: “You attract the crazy kind. You drove me crazy.”

Me: “I don’t know why I have that effect on girls.” 

The day continues. Enjoying the AC in the rental car I’m using for the rest of this week. I’m used to keeping the windows down and parching myself on the wind. But for this 93-degree weather I’m very fortunate.

Vegan Chocolate Chip Banana Muffin.

Whiskey Rob calls. This time I’m instructed to enter his bedroom. There he is sprawled out on his bed with his pet black cat named Spooky. We make the bourbon/Chinese food exchange. He says some 25-year-old girl is supposed to accompany him tonight and he’s stoked about it.

The night deliveries continue.

Off work and back home.

Tofu with Broccoli, Snow Peas, Onions, and Rice in Garlic Sauce.

Watching Ethos (2011).

Fortune cookie says, “Let the world be filled with tranquility and goodwill.”

Organizing music.

Sleep at 3:40 a.m.

[i] Seaside Inn. Image by me.

Tuesday June 19 2012


☼ ○ ▬

I’m with Tara. It’s understood we’re traveling the country. We stop to hang out with a crowd of people outside a college dormitory. For some reason I have a bag of Chinese food and as a joke I deliver it to Tara. Later, it’s just her and I in my bed. We’re entertained by a green laser light plane spread out above us in midair. We’re about to have sex but decide against it.  

▬ ○ ☼

It was a restless night – constantly changing positions. The beer daze from the night before sets in making my stomach feel slightly queasy. And sleeping next to a new body also took some getting used to. We both wake up slowly and share our dreams. Tara leaves to hang out with her sister... 

Her: “Thanks for letting me cuddle with you.”


Me: “I should say the same to you.”

Peanut Butter Bagel. Orange Juice.

The insurance agent calls me with unwanted news: “Unfortunately, Mr. Smith, your vehicle has been counted as a total loss.” I’m left with options for an unreasonable settlement. So now I’m scrambling, calling anyone I know with advice and ideas for an affordable place to get bodywork done.


I write up a list of shops and drive around, stopping by different places and talking with interesting characters. I recall delivering Chinese food to a hole-in-the-wall auto shop off Sykes Avenue a long time ago. I decide to check it out. I meet Les, a burly black man with a wrapped up dread head. He’s confident he can repair most everything within an insanely cheap price range. This could be a blessing.

My boy, Rob, calls me again from Shore Drive asking for another bottle of bourbon. I’m not working at China Wok today but I deliver to him anyway. He tips me generously.


Stop at Stoney’s Produce for peaches and tomatoes.

James Graves pops in at random hoping people would be in the house to invite to the beach. We chat a bit and I upload some new music for him on his phone.

Grilled Cheese (Soy) with Tomato. Salt n Vinegar Chips. Honey Green Tea.

Watching The Perfect Host (2010).

Kristin asked if we could talk on the phone later. I agreed. But an hour later she changes her mind and I receive these texts...

Her: “Robert, I can’t talk on the phone tonight but at some point we need to have a talk. I know for sure that I don’t want to be in this. Please don’t call me bc I won’t answer. Just let’s talk soon about it if you want...not tonight.”

I respect the request and do not call. But my first reaction instills in me a feeling of defeat. This is ridiculous. This has to be at least the fifth time she’s came to this realization. She’s super up and down, coming to dramatic conclusions every day. It’s frustrating for me. But I get where she’s coming from. This is just who she is. It’s possible she may have better intuition than I do. And maybe this will be for the best. I still like her. And I really hope we can be involved in each other’s lives to a degree. I think what I really need is to be a free bird. I’ll talk to her soon and we can sort out everything.

At the storage unit. Playing the electric guitar, which I haven’t picked up in a quite a while. Then, attempting to fix a keyboard.

Garlic Rice Noodle Soup with Broccoli and Mixed Vegetables. Parmesan Bread with Olive Oil.

Organizing music.

Sleep at 2:30 a.m.

[i] Joshua Petker.

Monday June 18 2012


☼ ○ ▬

A rocky beach terrain. Running across the sandy plains. I turn around to return to where I came from. But a storm has arisen and the ocean water barrages the shoreline with fierce waves – crashing and pushing further and further inland. I try my best to avoid the surging water – jumping and skipping. It’s proving to be a difficult task but eventually I make it to safety.

▬ ○ ☼

Getting out of bed at 11:15 a.m. I wake up to a text from Kristin, “Hi, some of the things you said last night were extremely sweet.”

Me: “oh yeah? I hope they came across as more than just pretty words.”

Her: “They did. They really did.”

Orange Juice. Strawberry Cereal Bar.

All day shift at China Wok.

The Hilltop dragons became too much for me today and I got into an accident. While waiting in a line of traffic near the intersection of Donna Blvd and First Colonial Rd, I busy myself with my phone and shift things around. Out of the corner of my eye I see the light change to green and the cars begin to move. I accelerate and plow directly into the back of a Honda Pilot. Everything happened so fast I can hardly believe the reality of the scene. There’s a spider shaped crack at the top of the windshield where my head slammed. Luckily the visor cushioned the impact and I’m only left with a minor headache. An older guy in his 50’s wearing a suit and a phone attached to his hip stands before me in shock. This yuppie’s probably looking at me in my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles t-shirt and blue-black shades thinking I’m some punk kid on drugs. I ask for his name but he refuses to really talk to me exclaiming, “it’ll be in the police report.” Really, man? You can’t just be cordial with me? Fortunately for him his only loss was a bumper. But for me it’s another story...the ultimate fender bender...


I was convinced after being accident-free for pretty much my whole life I could slide through my driving career flawless, but the cosmic forces just had to keep my pride in check and remind me that I’m not indestructible.


The whole process goes quickly. A few words with the police officer. A quick tow to Larry’s Import Center around the corner. Enterprise picks me up and sets me up with a rental car. All in a matter of forty minutes. Now I’m back at China Wok...back in action ready to slay any other monstrous dragons that decide to pick a fight.

Grilled Cheese (Soy) with Tomato. Tortilla Chips with Salsa and Avocado. Honey Green Tea.

The day continues like normal except I’m sporting a Chevy HHR instead of my precious wagon. Even though I’m still somewhat shaken up about it I strangely feel relaxed about the whole situation. I’ll have a proper reaction I guess once I hear back on the assessment from my insurance company.

Snacking on Trail Mix.

Kristin stops by and accompanies me on deliveries. She offers some homemade Banana Chocolate Chip Muffins along with a cute little card...

Me: “Aww. This is so great. This is too sweet. Thank you.”

This was incredibly thoughtful of her.


Me: “You are lusciously spooky tonight.”

I’m really appreciative of her moral support.

Finally off work and back home. Darren, Devon, and Tara encourage me to join them for a few drinks down at the oceanfront. At first I decline and pull the “I’ve been working all day” excuse but Darren offers to pay my way and I guess drinking with friends could be a good way to let off some steam. So I hop in the car with everyone. Eating dinner on the way: Shrimp with Broccoli, Snow Peas, Onions, and Rice in Garlic Sauce.


At Baja’s. A round of Yuengling drafts. Then, to 22nd Street Raw Bar & Grille. Two rounds of Natty Light drafts. Smoking a clove and engaging in debates on the biology of intelligence in humans – the idea that everyone has an innate desire to pursue truth and facts...a desire to push through the media-information-blindfold. I’ve drifted into a beer haze at this point. Feeling relaxed and enjoying the company. Tara and I sometimes take a back seat to Darren and Devon debating about said topics because things start to get personal between them. It’s interesting to be hanging out with Tara and we both make mention of the fact that we’ve never been friends. But her and Devon are old buddies. As well she used to be my roommate Edwin’s girlfriend way back in the day at 1623. But here we are sparking a new friendship. 


Back at the house, people gather in Darren’s room. It will be our couch surfers Radar and Monica’s last night with us. We browse through Darren’s music collection and shout out bands/songs we’re dying to listen to. Jupiter, the cat, becomes a staple form of entertainment for us when the green laser pointer is found. Having a few more beers. I’m lying down next to Tara, leaning up against her, halfway cuddling. It seems to respond well to her liking. But everything here is casual and laid back.

It’s past 4 a.m. I’ve had my fill of social angst and migrate to my bedroom. I invite Tara. We lie down together and drift off to sleep after a good cuddle session. I feel a little guilty because of my ties with Kristin but I don’t feel I’m crossing any boundaries. But the lines are grey and blurry. This should be my life right now. I need to be single and free. It’s been an adventurous day of turmoil and beauty.

[i] All images by me.