Monday June 4 2012


Alarm goes off at 11 a.m.

I’m so very tired...


Margot walks outside with me and we share a few words before I go to work...

Me: “Even if I do fantasize about you just showing up or calling me, which I have a few times, doesn’t mean this is fair. This isn’t fair.”

She retorts with more demonizing comments about Kristin.

Me: “Margot! You don’t have any rights over me. We’re not with each other. Stop.”

Peach. Mango. Orange Peach Mango Juice.

All day shift at China Wok.

On the phone with her while I deliver. She explains that despite the incident last night she’s been doing really well as far as separating from me goes. I as well have been doing well. 

Me: “You know I still think about you a lot. I mean, from time to time – I have my moments, too.”


At some point she goes on a tangent about the particular boys she’s attracted to and casually describes the scenarios. I don’t feel so much jealously. We’ve already established that she had sex with one of them last week, which I didn’t need to know but because she felt the need to grill me about Kristin it came up.

Me: “Is it weird that we can talk casual about this stuff?”

Her: “I guess so.”


Her: “I’m gonna be another ghost of your girlfriend past.”

Egg and Cheese Bagel Sandwich with Tomato. Salt n Vinegar Chips. Raspberry Lemonade.

I’m lethargic and feel useless – no energy or passion whatsoever.

A lady steps into the restaurant for a pick-up order. Her name is Cynthia. She’s much older, maybe in her early 50’s, soft thick white hair, and attractive for her age. There’s something revitalizing about the space around her and the effects of her smile. Her voice calmed my bouncing mind from collapsing.

Margot shoots me a text, “So you swear on your mothers life that when that bitch spent the night NOTHING AT ALL happened? Don’t lie to me about it.”

Me: “I could not tell you last night for I feared it would have made the night worse but I did have sex with her. I’m sorry if this hurts you.”

Immediately I receive a storm of calls that I do not answer because I’m in the middle of delivering.

Snacking on more Salt n Vinegar Chips.

A rainfall drops down in bucketfuls but for only thirty minutes. Shooting down Laskin Road I spot a rainbow...


Arlene and Miss Miller call from Cape Henry Towers off Shore Drive. I’m requested to deliver the usual Misty cigarettes but along with a six-pack as well. I’m their delivery boy caretaker. I’m off work now but make this the last delivery of the night. While in route I get into a rigorous conversation on the phone with Kristin about the direction of our little non-exclusive relationship. It’s all confusing to her but maybe just a little simpler for me. She’s not used to the slow drive like I am. But I make clear my apprehensions.


Her: “I don’t wanna feel emotionally trapped.”


Her: “Say something to make all this feel better.”

Me: “I’m still in.”

Her: “Me too.”

Back home.

Shrimp with Broccoli, Snow Peas, Onions, and Rice in Garlic Sauce.

Fortune cookie: “Your desire to protect the people around you is appropriate.”

I’m super stressed with a list of things I need to accomplish before the night is over. But Margot is breathing down my back demanding to speak with me. She’s still at work but it’s slow there I guess. On the phone with her I’m reprimanded and judged for lying about this yesterday, to which I believed I made a good decision in not informing her. She was already upset that I’ve been hanging out with another girl. It just wouldn’t have been a decent thing to tell her at the time. She’s super freaked while we talk. I hate to hear her like this. I just hate it. And along with the pity I’m saturated with her hatefulness and judgment. It’s so unbecoming and distasteful. I hold onto my patience but in moments I lose it and retort in a demeaning coldness. I don’t want to sound this way but I have no choice as she easily provokes usual.

Me: “I’m within my rights, Margot! I’m allowed to do whatever I want. You can’t control me.”


Me: “Everything was going so well. Why did you have to show up at my place? You wouldn’t know anything. I wouldn’t know anything. Everything would’ve been fine.”


Me: “I don’t deserve all this negativity and nonsense. That’s all you give me! Like, I don’t even care anymore...about anything.”


She confesses that her mode and perspective has shifted. She’s having dramatic realizations all of a sudden. She doesn’t feel right being alone. Has the single-casualness worn off? Is she tired of it already? Has she really missed me that much? Even with all the male attention I know she’s been eating up, is it still not enough? I don’t want this. I genuinely want to progress away from her. And I am doing so. But she keeps returning to me like a persistent boomerang. I have moved on emotionally but there’s still an inkling of affection I fear will always be there. We’re like two rock walls and in between us is a river. We can’t move any closer but we’re forced to be in the same vicinity for the rest of our lives. Is there anyway out of this? Maybe the only way is transformation.

After packing and doing a few chores I’m off to bed a little before 3 a.m. 

[i] John Stezaker.
[ii] Rainbow image by me.

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