Saturday June 16 2012


Alarm goes off at 11:11 a.m. I wake up from dreams filled with anxiety.

[Text message]

Kristin: “I’m scared bc you have a hold on my heart and I might not be able to run away from these feelings.”

Me: “do I really have that strong of a hold on your heart?”

Kristin: “More than anyone else.”


Kristin: “I see myself wanting to give so much to you, that is something I haven’t felt in a long time. My heart has been shut off and you turned something on in it and now I’m trying to tame my feelings bc I have a lot to give and I feel too intense for you at the moment. That feeling of too intense makes my heart wither and want to give to someone else even though my mind says no. I am usually ruled by my brain and I’m being ruled by my heart something I know nothing about. I wish I could tell you why it’s this way but I can’t.”

Me: “I think I understand what you’re saying. the power of the heart is difficult to comprehend. I enjoy intensity Kristin. I really do. I am also of that intense nature. I wish I was more open to being as intense at the moment. unfortunately the monsters that rule me hold me back from least for now.”

Kristin: “Yeah that hurts. I feel that though...”

Apricot. Strawberries. Orange Juice.

All day shift at China Wok.

Me: “our conversations last night reminded me of the kind I would have with someone I was involved with for a long time already. it shocks me to be having such in depth introspect so early on...and it almost pushes me away but I understand the purpose.”

Kristin: “You’re right I am all or nothing. So I feel I have no choice but to be nothing. That wasn’t my intention to push you away but if that’s the case then you may never be able to handle me. Do your own thing Robert, let the monsters rule you. I’ll be fine on my own. I only have chosen to let things out with you bc I thought I could but I see now I was wrong. I thought you would get me, and understand my affections. They seem to perplex you and you are not ready. I will shut these feelings out and let them fade away.”

Me: “you have not pushed me away. I said almost. and I do GET you. I am not perplexed by your affections Kristin. I have affections for you too you know. I just need a lot of space in a relationship in general. because of my life and what I want to accomplish I don’t feel I’m gong to be able to give you 5 days a week, as you stated last night. I guess that’s what scares me. I want to give you me but I value my personal time. it may sound selfish but its just how my needs work.”

Kristin: “I understand that. I don’t know if I could/would be happy. I don’t want to take away from what’s important in your life. But I like being number 1. I don’t want you to feel that you need to pick. But I know myself I guess enough to know that your need for alone time could be a huge disconnect for me. My two ways of showing love/affection is through spending time with each other including sex and verbally words of affirmation. I need those to survive.”

Me: “I hate this. I just wanna watch Addams family with you and role play and enjoy each others company because I feel we get along so well.”

Kristin: “Ok. Sure. I think too much. I want to know that I have a part of you though.”

Me: “of course you do!”

Kristin: “What do you want me to do. And I’ll try and do that. I want this to work out.”

Me: “I want us to be a part of each other’s lives.”

Grilled Cheese (Soy) with Tomato. Five Guys French Fries with Ketchup. Lemonade.

It’s been at least five hours now and the deliveries have been non-stop. Sun glaring on my driver’s arm. The wind blowing through my black thinning hair. New tunes blaring on the stereo. I’m in a work daze. Stop here. Stop there. Keep going. No stopping. No thinking. Just drive...

My favorite customer, Rob off Lynnhaven Drive, calls after a few months of hibernation. I haven’t heard from him in a long time. I thought maybe he died but no, he’s alive and kicking and still asking for a bottle of cheap bourbon along with his Chinese food. Altogether he places three orders throughout the day. In his house delivering the last one, he requests I place the bag of food in the fridge for him while he signs the credit receipt.

Rob: “Just squeeze it in there wherever you can find space!”

Upon opening the door of the fridge I observe a few baby cock roaches scatter along the side. Wow.

Snacking on Vegan Banana Chocolate Chip Cookies.

The night continues...

Stacking up the tips I suppose, but also the miles.

Finally off work – back at home. Settling down in my computer chair with dinner...

Tofu with Broccoli, Snow Peas, Onions, and Rice in Garlic Sauce. Lionshead Pilsner. 

Fortune cookie says, “It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them.”


Catching up on some writing.

Chatting with Kristin over the phone about our experiences today. Our words are dramatically light hearted compared to last night and earlier today. No anxiety-ridden dreams tonight I think.

Sleep at 3:30 a.m.

[i] Dismal Forest. Image source unknown.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Ew. Gag.