This is an open and unfiltered diary-style journal
on the life of James Robert Smith.
This blog will contain sometimes graphic experiences (both beautiful and ugly),
sometimes stark insight, and all honest and factual documentation of dreams, diet, activity, and thoughts.
Oatmeal with Cinnamon, Blueberries, Maple Syrup, and Almond
Milk. English Breakfast Tea.
Taking care of business. Running errands.
Talking with a lady at Chartway about closing mom’s account
there. Apparently, her account was already closed. Turns out the lady’s mom
also passed from cancer. We get into a conversation about how strange it is
that so many people die from cancer.
Grilled PB&J Bagel. Plantain Chips. Coffee.
Teaching in-home lessons for the first time in a few months!
They are glad to see me. Anna, especially has developed a huge drive for music,
writing her own songs and learning stuff on her own.
For dinner Ana and I go to Simple Eats off Shore Drive. I
enjoy a Chicken n Dumpling thing with Biscuits and Green Beans. Ana isn’t 100%
satisfied but she’s a trooper.
Later on, we play music at the studio focusing on original
songs.
Ana and I go to the legendary DMV down the street, a place
you don’t need to visit frequently but when you do you enter a time void. She
forgot some documents she needs so has to walk back home and come back
separately. I stick around for over an hour and a half to transfer my mom’s
truck title into my name.
Scrambled Eggs. Toast with Butter and Jam. Salt n Vinegar
Chips with Avocado. Coffee.
Teaching lessons at Music Makers.
Ana cooked a big pot of Vegan Bean Chili with Cornbread.
It’s very delicious.
At the storage unit with the Ladada boys writing songs.
Catching up on business. Running errands – replacing the
wiper blades in mom’s truck – grocery run.
Scrambled Eggs. Spinach. Sourdough Toast with Vegan Cream
Cheese. Coffee.
Teaching lessons at Music Makers.
During one of my piano lessons I discover a great music
teacher joke:
“What do you call an underage chord?”
“A minor!”
Back home. Making dinner for Ana and I: Smoked Salmon with
Peas, Onions, Peppers, Kale, Carrots, and Quinoa.
Later on, at the studio playing music with Ana. We always
have intense moments of self reflection and discussion on bettering ourselves
at our instruments.
Oatmeal with Cinnamon, Blueberries, Maple Syrup, and Almond
Milk. English Breakfast Tea.
Basketball at the Rec.
In light of Kobe Bryant’s death yesterday Stephen, the kid
who’s always shouting and wanting to be called “Kobe!” or “KD!”, is there
and has lot of energy. He pauses for 24 seconds to honor him and goes on a
rampage on the court shooting the ball. The rest of the guys encourage it.
Orange Juice with Turmeric. Scrambled Eggs. Buttermilk
Biscuits with Butter and Jam. Coffee.
Watching Midsommar
(2019).
Teaching lessons at Music Makers.
Home. Cooking Vegan Burgers Ana picked up at Trader Joe’s.
Having them with Five Guys Fries and Bok Choy.
Doing various things – catching up on business.
Chilling with Ana and the cat. She takes me to drop off my
car overnight.
Oatmeal with Cinnamon, Blueberries, Maple Syrup, and Almond
Milk. English Breakfast Tea.
MMLIVE rehearsals all afternoon.
Panera lunch break in between: Tuna Salad Sandwich with
Tomato Soup and Coffee.
Back home. Taking care of cleaning and chores. Napping.
Nawab leftovers for dinner.
Watching The Good Liar
(2019).
Later on at Music Makers. Cleaning the black hardwood
floors. Practicing drums.
Chilling with Ana in the bedroom. Playing a few rounds of Unreal then cuddling with her – with our
warm bodies tucked under the covers I feel an urge to make fire.
Date and Almond Breakfast Bar. Irish Breakfast Tea.
Teaching afternoon lessons at Music Makers. Still weird not
having mom here, especially on Saturdays cause it was always low key – she’d be
vacuuming or cleaning – and of course having lovely conversations with people.
Scrambled Eggs. Buttermilk Biscuits with Butter and Jam.
Coffee.
Catching up on business.
Cleaning more of the bathroom.
Taking care of lots of laundry.
Running errands.
Cooking dinner for Ana and I: Brown Rice Quinoa Spaghetti
Noodles with Mushrooms, Onions, Peppers, Tomatoes, Kale, and a Baguette.
Sharing glasses from a bottle of Red Wine that my mom bought us a while back.
Having a movie night watching The Shining (1980) in it’s entirety.
Oatmeal with Cinnamon, Blueberries, Maple Syrup, and Almond
Milk. English Breakfast Tea.
Errands – settling mom’s bank accounts and depositing some
money – getting new wiper blades and buying a new fire extinguisher for Music Makers.
Scrambled Eggs. Toast with Butter and Jam. Coffee.
Watching The Two Popes
(2019).
Cleaning the bathroom, mainly the tub and shower walls,
which are redundantly annoying to clean all the time.
Ana gets off work. We put on some accidentally matching
clothes and grab dinner at Nawab. Enjoying Butter Chicken with Veggies, Basmati
Rice, Garlic Naan Bread, and Samosas. We can’t not get Gelato next door either.
Later on, playing music at Music Makers. We’re not really
worried about practicing sets or anything, just learning new songs and having
fun. Later, enjoying some love time.
I run some errands while Ana bakes a cake for Wanda.
Scrambled Eggs. Spinach. Toast with Butter and Jam. Coffee.
Teaching lessons at Music Makers.
Ana pre-made a dinner for me to bake in the oven with
Tomatoes, Chic Peas, Zucchini, Onions, and Quinoa. I have a big plate of it
with Sourdough Toast.
Watching The Two Popes
(2019).
At Ladada practice with the boys. Continuing to write and
work on new songs.
“Thanks for your time
and talent,” is the recurring phrase of the night.
Oatmeal with Cinnamon, Strawberries, Maple Syrup, and Almond
Milk. English Breakfast Tea.
Basketball at the Rec. On a team with a bunch of little guys
but we manage through it knocking down 3’s and making lay-ups.
Scrambled Eggs. Bagel with Butter and Jam. Potato Chips.
Coffee.
Teaching lessons at Music Makers.
One of my teen piano students, Bianca, as soon as she walked
in I could sense something was wrong. She kept saying she was tired but it was
apparent something else was bothering her. She opens up and starts crying. She
describes past situations with abuse and how it makes her uncomfortable in
school to be around certain guys. We barely touched the piano but instead I
became a counselor for the day. Sometimes I forget how much these kids go
through.
Eating a Your Pie Pizza with Cucumbers and Gelato.
Watching Terminator:
Dark Fate (2019).
Cleaning up the dishes and the kitchen.
Going through mom’s bills and hospital things in the living
room. Trashing most things that aren’t necessary to hold onto. I discover a
rugged journal she wrote prayers and thoughts in from 2008. Found a little
handwritten thing that says, “I Love You
Robert – Mom” with the O letters replaced with hearts. It’s like a little
message she wrote for me to see in the future.
Waking up right at 11:13 a.m. two minutes before my alarm’s
supposed to go off. I had an in depth dream about new years eve.
☼▬
I’m in New York City. It’s understood I’m near Times Square
where the ball is about to drop for 2020. In a busy stairwell inside a
building. I had just come out of work or something. I spot a cleaning bag my
mom used to use all the time sitting on the shelf. I notice a long piece of
paper with instructions on how to use whatever cleaning equipment that’s in
there. It’s obviously her handwriting with the almost cursive consistent print
in pen. Elliott appears in one of his goofy jumpsuits – no shirt on nor do I.
People poke fun at the scene we’re making standing there pretending to move
things around on the shelf. At some point I feel an urgency to run outside and
meet up with Ana down the block. There’s so many people everywhere cause of new
years. I shove my way through to a stage where the New World Record ELO band is
supposed to play but it’s unclear. Nigel and Kevin are here standing on the
stage. Later on, I’m inside an apartment – different storyline. A girl is
acting hostile towards me refusing to pay me something I’m owed. She has some
kind of sharp nail pick and a wire with intent on hurting or killing me. We
rumble in the dining room. She pretends to choke herself with the wire. I take
control of it and pull hard so as to restrain her from doing anything else.
“I’m gonna let you breathe now,” I say. “I’m not gonna kill
you.”
I let up and she immediately hands me a bowl of what’s
understood to belong to me. There’s Lindt chocolates and quarters inside.
“Wait, are you serious? There’s like $4 worth of quarters in
here!”
While lying on a chair she pulls out a wad of cash. It seems
like the whole thing isn’t about the money but the principal of the matter. I
go on a rant to her about how she’s never learned to love or trust anyone.
“You haven’t had a lot of good things in your life. But you
gotta keep looking for the good people and surround yourself with them. They’re
out there. I promise!”
▬☼
Oatmeal with Cinnamon, Strawberries, Maple Syrup, and Almond
Milk. English Breakfast Tea.
Catching up on business and scheduling.
Chores.
Tempeh Bacon. Sourdough Toast with Butter and Jam. Potato
Chips. Coffee.
Teaching lessons at Music Makers. I’ve got Jordan, one of
our guitar teachers, running the front desk today. Starting this week I’m gonna
hire him and others to help do that job.
Jackfruit BBQ Sandwich with Egg, Lettuce, and Roasted
Broccoli, Carrots, and Onions.
Short Bohemian Rhapsody practice at the rehearsal spot with
Anne, John, and a few others. We’ll be performing this song at the Veer Music
Awards coming up in February.
Later on back at the house. Ana baked the most delicious
Vegan Brownies yet! I pop some popcorn to go with.
Oatmeal with Cinnamon, Strawberries, Maple Syrup, and Almond
Milk. English Breakfast Tea.
Today’s the first day back for Music Makers LIVE winter
session. At the rehearsal spot – we got three bands this time. I play drums in
the adult band. Anne, Lisa, and Devon help out throughout the afternoon. I take
a break for the second band then come back for the third.
Scrambled Eggs. Sourdough Toast with Butter and Jam. Potato
Chips. Coffee.
Organizing stuff at the studio.
“I’m not doing well
mentally today...” she texts me later in the night.
I respond with a Bitmoji saying “Same”
Just thinking about mom and I miss her – just the
realization that she isn’t physically and tangibly here anymore hits me deep in
the heart.
Chinese food from Jade Garden for dinner: Tofu with Mixed
Vegetables and Garlic Sauce.
Watching Killer
Inside: The Mind of Aaron Hernandez (2020).
Catching up on business and chores.
Meanwhile, when Ana gets off work at midnight we congregate
in the living room eating leftover pastries and watching the British baking
show.
Bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch (Cascadian Farms version) with
Almond Milk. English Breakfast Tea.
At Music Makers doing a few afternoon lessons.
Scrambled Eggs. Sourdough Toast with Butter and Jam. Coffee.
Organizing and prepping things.
At the rehearsal spot setting up for MMLIVE, which starts
tomorrow.
Then, at Abbey Road Pub for the Musicplayer gig, our second
night in a row here. A new set of friends come out to see us: Ana’s mom and
brothers, Elliott and friends, Megan and her parents, etc.
We always seem to impress at least one couple at the
restaurant that’s never heard us before. She compliments my voice saying
something like you sing that Billy Joel song better than Billy Joel. I don’t
know what to say to that. I just thank her. We ended up doing an unrehearsed
“Hallelujah” upon their request with Ana and Megan on the mic. We get Ryan up
on the drums for “Psycho Killer” then Elliott on the drums for “Satisfaction”.
Mike and Kelly show up too. It was another fun night of music with friends.
After Ana and I transport all the gear we meet up with some
of the group at Rick’s Café. I don’t even remember the last time I stepped foot
in here. Many late night memories here.
Oatmeal with Cinnamon, Blueberries, Maple Syrup, and Almond
Milk. English Breakfast Tea.
Catching up on business.
At the studio packing up all the music gear.
Tempeh Bacon with Spinach and Sourdough Toast with Vegan
Cream Cheese. Coffee.
Chores.
Revving up mom’s truck and packing all the gear inside. Got
a gig at Abbey Road Pub tonight. Setting everything up. A nice old black man
who’s giving away candy to everybody offers to help bring in a few things.
Starting off the night with a set of my own songs. Then
Anthony comes up to sing. We’re splitting the bill tonight. While sitting with
Ana and Tristan and listening to Anthony and Allyson belt out Lazy Danger tunes
I’m reminded what it’d be like if mom were sitting with us in the seat over
from me. She’d be thoroughly enjoying herself clapping and dancing. She always
loved Anthony’s music.
It’s a fun time with music and friends. The regulars at the
bar don’t seem to mind our joyous ruckus. Tristan even gets up on the bass and
joins the band.
Afterwards, we don’t need to pack up anything cause we’ll be
back here tomorrow night!
Back home. Hanging out in the dining room with Anthony,
Allyson, and Ana eating snacks and talking.
Later on settling down in my bed with Ana. We make fire in
celebration of life, music, and happiness.
Waking up throughout the morning from stressful dreams –
sweaty legs.
Date and Almond Bar. English Breakfast Tea.
It’s raining hard outside – not the brightest of mornings.
Seeing the dentist for a cleaning and to check on one of my fillings I got a few
months back.
Errands.
Scrambled Eggs. Sourdough Toast with Vegan Cream Cheese.
Salt n Vinegar Chips. Coffee.
Watching Earthquake
Bird (2019).
Teaching lessons at Music Makers.
Back home. One of our student’s mom’s got Ana and I dinner
from The Green Cat: Lentil Soup with Brown Rice. Ana brought home a French
Baguette to go with. Anthony joins us in the dining room discussing the latest
Veer Music Award nominees. Ladada was mentioned in multiple categories.
Later on, at the studio practicing songs with Ana.
Ana made us Blueberry Waffles. I brew some Tea to go with.
She tweaked the recipe a little and she is disappointed with the outcome but it
was only because we didn’t have almond milk.
I’ve got the entire day off. Just gonna catch up on business
and whatever else I need to take care of.
Ana and I run grocery errands.
Deviled Eggs, Spinach, Sourdough Toast with Vegan Cream
Cheese. Potato Salad, and Coffee.
Watching From Paris
with Love (2010).
Posting some stuff about mom thanking everyone for their
support.
Organizing MMLIVE things that start next weekend.
At Music Makers fixing up a place for mom’s remains using
the flower arrangement from the memorial service. I want all the students and
families to see it for a week. Then, I’ll prepare a small memorial thing at the
studio so everyone is reminded of her impact.
Enjoying some of Ana’s homemade Cinnamon Rolls and Coffee
for breakfast.
At Freedom Fellowship. Today is the big day for my mom. We
fill up the sanctuary, packed all the way to the back door, and celebrate her
life and memory! I sit next to Ana, my dad, aunt Pansy, Peter, and nearby is
John and Cindy (two best friends of my mom and dad’s), Jimmy Carr, Jimmy
Napier, Wanda, Karen Glaze, etc. I worked with Pastor Rick to design a
structure to the service but he really brought it all home for the
congregation. So much music and celebration. You could really feel the
consolation and peace in the room. I put together a slideshow of pictures of
mom all the way from baby pics to the last moments of her life. I placed an old
recording of her singing with her dad when she was 16 at the beginning of it –
it brings tears to my eyes almost immediately. Dan plays Beethoven’s Pathetique Sonata on the piano for the
rest of the video.
...
Pastor speaks in such a down to earth fashion it makes everyone
feel at home and like we can really understand the truth behind the message.
“Don’t let your heart
be troubled...”
“Karen was sick. And
she never lost hope. And so what I want you to know is that Karen is now with
the Lord Jesus!”
I came up with ten words that described my mom and who she
was to many...
“Warrior
Faithful
Legendary
Beautiful
Loving
Caring
Protector
Nurturer
Light
Believer”
I wrote a eulogy that Pastor reads perfectly. At some point
I get up on the stage with a guitar to lead the Music Makers students in a few
songs. “Can’t Help Falling in Love With
You” and House of the Rising Sun
“Amazing Grace”. Wesley accompanies
me on keys adding organ and piano. The whole performance is exactly what mom
would’ve wanted to hear. She loved the students at Music Makers like her own
children.
Where do I start? We had a special mom and son
relationship. Not all sons can say this about their moms but I know I can say
beyond a doubt that I had the best mother any son could hope for. You protected
and nurtured me since day one. Cooked the best meals. Wrote the best cards.
Sang the most beautiful songs. Told the best advice. Prayed the best prayers.
Gave the best back and head rubs. You made a beautiful life for me filled with
so many wonderful memories. Remembering all those extra long hugs you used to
give me when saying good night, the kind I couldn’t escape from.
“Goodnight son. I love
you.”
“Love you too, mom.”
I wish I was there now in your embrace.
You are the most important link to my past. I’ll always feel
like there are more questions to ask. You comforted me through hard and
traumatic times. You lost a daughter; I lost a sister. Because of you I am
stronger. I am the man I am because of you. There was a season where you had to
turn “single mom mode” on, working all kinds of odd jobs to keep the bills
paid. I was grateful though to still have a father as well as a stepdad who
supported us all the way through. Don’t ever think you did anything wrong when
you were raising me. A child will bloom into their own, and when there’s an
unconditional love surrounding them every day, they’ll become who they’re
destined to be. You’ve always taught me to have compassion, listen to people,
and to care for others. Some of your last words you spoke, “Be ready and love people!” That’s
exactly what you did your whole life is love people, the embodiment of who
Jesus is.
You always had a way of keeping things neat and orderly in
the house. Thank you for doing so many things, big and small, for me, for us.
Many times I remember coming home from a long day of work or rehearsals and the
kitchen would be clean and the dishes were done. Who’s gonna do the dishes now?
Don’t worry, I’ll take care of everything. I know you’re proud of me cause you
never stopped talking about me to everyone. Every show I performed you made
great efforts to be there right in the front clapping, dancing, or singing
along.
“Mom is your number
one fan,” you always said.
One place you absolutely loved to be was at Music Makers.
When I took over the business you were there ready to help build a community of
parents and students that became like a second family to us. Anyone who walked
through the front door of the studio immediately felt like home because of all
the love and light you offered. You genuinely cared about each and every one of
our student’s future. Your love is embedded in those walls and lesson rooms. I
think you deserve employee of the month...forever.
I’m so grateful God gave you the opportunity to see so many
friends and family before you passed on. Life is precious. Your love is
precious to me. It haunts me every day the fact that you’re not gonna be around
in my life. For one thing, I want any children I have some day to know how
beautiful and wonderful their grandmother is. But like I said at the hospice
bed, when I get a house “I’m gonna plant a tree for you. So I can show your
grandchildren what a beautiful person you were.”
Mom, there are so many things I want you to know and so many
things I wanna say. Words, of course, aren’t usually enough to explain. A
friend of mine said, “Music transcends the tangible world. It guides and heals
us – while giving us strength to carry on.” Music is how we celebrate your
life. I hope you can hear the echoes of the melodies we play for you down here
on earth. You live on in our hearts as you watch from your new life above in
the stellar skies of the heavens.
Afterwards, Ana and I, along with family members we wait in
the front row as people line up the aisle to give their condolences and many
hugs. I probably received about 500 hugs today. It’s a little overwhelming at
times but good to know there’s so much support from all the people who were
impacted by my mom. There’s plenty of food to share! We all just stay right in
the sanctuary and eat.
Back home. Ana and I go through the sympathy cards. Frank
Mihlon spearheaded a fundraiser online that brought in well over the amount that
was asked. Later on, dad comes over and we hang out in the living room. I set
up mom’s urn, flower arrangement, and picture in there.
Later on, Ana and I lounge in the living room and watch a
movie over leftovers. Marriage Story
(2019).
Staying bonded with her the rest of the night. Making fire
up in her bedroom, something we haven’t done in a long time, especially since
all of this stuff began with mom.
Jimmy, my former stepdad, is in town. Ana and I take him to
Three Ships for Biscuits and Coffee. He’ll always be family to me.
Him and I run some errands. At Virginia Beach Florist in
Kempsville ordering a cradling floral arrangement to go around the urn for the
service tomorrow. Then, driving over to the Cremation Society to pick up mom’s
remains and the death certificates. It’s kind of strange transporting her in a
different form in the backseat.
Running an errand to drop off recycle but I discover they
took away the recycle dumpsters so now there’s nowhere to recycle anymore. 2020
is really bringing on the changes.
Stopping by Outback Steakhouse to say hi to Jimmy’s aunt and
uncle, Ann and Karl.
At Music Makers we rehearse with a select few students to
help sing a few songs at mom’s service tomorrow. It’s kind of fun. Ana and her
friend Erica are here also helping sing. Meanwhile, Jimmy and dad sit nearby.
Afterwards, we grab some dinner at Pho 79, just Ana, Erica,
dad, and I. Trying out Fried Quail with Vegetable Pad Thai Noodles.
Back home. Ana and Erica bake up a storm in the kitchen.
Kenny comes over, Erica’s recently acquired boy friend and also friend of mine
through Elliott. Him and I hang in the living room and share stories of our
moms. I never knew his mom also battled cancer and died this past year.
Later on, I sort through baskets and drawers in my mom’s
room throwing away some things and putting some in a donation bag. I always
come across little notes that my mom wrote. It feels like she’s still here.
Oatmeal with Cinnamon, Blueberries, Maple Syrup, and Oat
Milk. English Breakfast Tea.
Catching up on business.
Meeting with Pastor Rick and Diana at the church to discuss
the memorial service. It’s always so comforting to talk to Rick. His job is to
love people and he’s so genuine, just like my mother was. I give him a flash
drive with all the notes and eulogy I wrote.
Scrambled Eggs. Bagel with Butter and Jam. Potato Chips.
Coffee.
At Music Makers teaching lessons. Lou is here helping
collect payments and such.
Off work and back home. Ana started cooking dinner. One of
the burners isn’t working properly, not surprised. I help finish the job.
Enjoying Tofu Stir Fry with Quinoa and Vegetables.
Grabbing some gelato from down the street.
Taking care of stuff. Organizing. Chores.
Chamomile Tea.
Ana reminds me that we were supposed to pray together every
night. Both of us still feeling like we need guidance but have plenty of peace.
Oatmeal with Cinnamon, Blueberries, Maple Syrup, and Almond
Milk. English Breakfast Tea.
Catching up on business.
Ana and I enjoy burning calories at the Great Neck Rec for a
little bit. Haven’t exercised in a few weeks and we really needed it.
Scrambled Eggs. Blueberry Bagel with Vegan Cream Cheese.
Salt n Vinegar Chips. Coffee.
At Music Makers teaching lessons and running the front desk.
Everybody knows what happened to my mom at this point. Some ask how I’m doing
but most just acknowledge condolences. Accumulating quite a collection of
sympathy cards and notes from students.
Back home. Warming up dinner: Tomato Soup with Peas, Kale,
Quinoa, and French Baguette.
Watching The Kid
(2019).
Finishing up this memorial service preparation.
Chilling downstairs with Ana, a guitar, and the cat.
Taking care of Music Makers business and scheduling. Not
gonna teach yet cause there’s still so much to organize and do.
Running errands. Cleaning up the Christmas decorations at
the studio.
Scrambled Eggs. Toast with Butter and Jam. Snow Peas.
Coffee.
Watching The Kid
(2019).
Meanwhile, a rain storm came through and afterwards I see a
post from one of our students, Olivia. She took a picture of a rainbow that
shone near Music Makers and said, “Ms.
Karen came to visit Music Makers in the form of a rainbow!”
So fitting. I see it as a sign from God that even with mom
not here he is still watching over us.
I keep working on this slideshow of mom. It takes a lot of
time.
Earlier today Frank Mihlon, a parent of two of our students
and doctor who kept close watch on my mom’s cancer battle, put up a fundraiser
thing on Facebook to raise $2,000 to help costs of the funeral/cremation and so
forth. Before nighttime even hits people donated way more than expected. It’s
not even about the money. It’s just the outpouring of love and support that
feels so awesome.
Later on, Ana arrives home with a dinner idea: Fresh Tomato
Soup with Peas, Kale, and a Baguette. We work together to get the meal done.
Watching a Prank Encounters episode
together.
I decide to pack Christmas away – taking down the Christmas
tree on the table and other things we had out.
At Music Makers playing some music – trying to brainstorm
some things to play at mom’s funeral.
Sleep at some point. Ana and I have started this ritual of
praying with each other every night. It’s a way to reflect and keep our minds
at peace.
At 10:34 a.m. Wanda comes to the house to wake me up. My mom
passed on from this earth at 5 in the morning. Ana and I arise and take in what
just happened. I knew it was gonna happen after I saw her last night. She was
absolutely ready to leave this earth. I’m so glad I got the opportunity to
exchange one last I love you with her
before she drifted off into sleep.
Oatmeal with Cinnamon, Blueberries, Maple Syrup, and Almond
Milk. English Breakfast Tea.
Composing a public post on Facebook so everybody knows what
happened. Of course, it’s blowing up the internet. So many people out there are
concerned and giving their condolences. There are a lot of great words of
encouragement.
I love the way my friend Rocky explained the situation, “Today, you lost your mother in her temporal
body, but in doing so, you have gained an ancestor whose entire being, as here
on earth and now in heaven, was made to love and guide you. Her physical
presence is gone and is reclaimed by the earth, but her spirit is with you
always, loving you, nurturing you, and guiding you into your next steps. The
bond you have can never be broken because it is a bond of unconditional love.
Always remember that you were her masterpiece here on earth.”
Organizing ideas for the memorial service this weekend.
I found Elvis lying in mom’s recliner chair. He’s right on
top of her purse as if on purpose – his way of honoring and paying his respects
to her.
At Music Makers for a little while. Kay is here helping take
payments and watching the front desk. I print out some flyers to invite everyone
to the service and take down the Christmas decorations.
Ana got off work extra early cause she couldn’t handle being
there today.
We take care of some chores. I go on a hunt to figure out my
mom’s mother’s maiden name cause I need to have accurate info for mom’s death
certificate. I happen across quite a few things in one of her file boxes, one
including a letter drawn in crayon from when I was a kid, another of my first
piano recital program, and my dad and her’s marriage certificate which has all the
names and information I need.
Ana and I decide to go out for dinner so we don’t have to
cook. At Old Beach Tavern eating a Crab Cake Sandwich with Fries and a Stella.
We head to Three Ships for Biscuits and Coffee. Mom is still
on our minds and hearts but we feel at peace. She still hasn’t left us yet.
I received a text from Wanda that mom woke up at 6:45 in the
morning, saw Karen Iverson and Wanda and said, “What the heck! I thought I’d be
in heaven!”
I take the afternoon off to catch up on business and
communications with people.
Scrambled Eggs. Toast with Vegan Cream Cheese. Salt n
Vinegar Chips with Avocado. English Breakfast Tea.
Watching The Aeronauts
(2019).
Composing a letter to be read at mom’s memorial.
Later on in the evening, I decide to go to the hospice to
see mom. She’s awake and feeling restless – constantly wanting to sit up and
scratching. The nurses come in often to help situate her and give her things to
help with the itching or pain. I’m able to have a few more moments with her. I
know she was upset to still be here this morning because she was ready. I play
a little piano while she rests. Telling her I
love you and anything else to help her feel at ease. The whole thing is
still surreal but I still feel peace.
At some point I feed a small bite of a muffin that Ana’s mom
brought. She saw the box of them and said she wanted it. The nurse came in and
I explained that I was able to give her a bite.
“A pinch,” my mom corrects.
“That’s right. A pinch,” I say.
It’s funny cause we always joked about that at the house.
There were many times she wanted to try whatever it was being eaten. She’d say
she just wanted a pinch.
While driving away I put on this Helen Reddy song she used
to sing when she was in the family band way back when, “Keep On Singing”. It’s
just another trigger cause when I start singing the chorus it grips me and I
can’t help but cry. I remember singing this song with her a long time ago at a
gig.
Back home. Cooking dinner: Smoked Salmon with Sugar Snap
Peas, Carrots, Kale, and Quinoa.
Settling down. Ana gets off work. I update her about mom.
It’s getting really close. She’s experiencing anger about the whole thing. We
sort through our feelings...
Going directly to the hospice to visit mom. She’s actually
been sleeping heavily all morning and afternoon. Dad’s here. All kinds of
people showed up earlier including John and Cindy (old friends of my dad and
mom’s) and Jimmy Napier (my mom’s first husband). She’s leaned over snoring
sweetly every time she takes a breath.
I have to head over to The Sandler Center to set up for the
big show tonight. DEJA and friends perform Pink Floyd’s The Wall, where we show the movie on a big projection screen and
play the soundtrack live. This time we’ve got local all-star musicians guest
starring on the stage to do solos and such. My head isn’t in a good space but I
have to push through.
After sound check I head right back over to the hospice.
Karen Iverson is here with a few other friends. Dad of course is still here.
Now mom is awake and some of her funny personality is back. But it’s apparent
the decline I’ve noticed day to day since she’s been here – her eyes glassy –
slow formulated words and phrases. Somehow her true self still shines through
cause really she gets energized from people. I stay for a little while but then
I have to go. Hugging her at the bedside – and of course every time I start
crying.
“That’s her baby boy,” someone says.
Back at the theater I get dressed in my black concert attire
– wearing the black western shirt with the roses. Chowing down on some
Vegetable Fried Rice I got from near the hospice. I gotta get my head right and
focused for the show. The theater is a packed house. As we’re performing there
are some great musical and emotional moments, some of the mother related themes
feel relevant to me. It turns out to be a successful night. Ana and Amelia were
in the audience along with other friends.
Ana and I ride back over to hospice again. Karen Iverson is
here. They leave the room at some point so mom and I can have a moment.
“You made a beautiful life for me,” I tell her. “So many
great memories.”
...
“We’re gonna get a house soon. And I’m gonna plant a tree
for you,” I say.
“Wow,” she hoarsely says, a word she’s known to use
frequently.
“So I can show your grandchildren what a beautiful person
you were.”
We start weeping together.
...
“I gotta get up,” she starts exclaiming in her whispering
voice. “I gotta get up to heaven.”
“I know,” I tell her.
Later on, she requests Wanda to join us. We had to call her
and get her out of bed. It was really important for her cause she keeps saying,
“I don’t know how much longer I have.”
So we’re all here now. Basically, we give her permission to
leave whenever she’s ready and that everything has been taken care of. It’s a
sad but wonderful moment of peace. Karen Iverson prays with Ana. Mom always
cared about Ana and her healing. And I know to see that in front of her eyes
really warmed her heart.
“You can feel the love can’t you?” I ask.
Karen Iverson asks mom what she would like to tell us to be
more ready for times like this.
“Be ready,” she says. “And love people.”
We finally get her to lie back when she sleeps so her neck
doesn’t ache. I hug her another time – it could be the last but it might not.
We’ll know tomorrow.
Oatmeal with Cinnamon, Blueberries, Maple Syrup, and Almond
Milk. Irish Breakfast Tea.
Dad meets me at the house. We hop in mom’s truck and run
some errands – grabbing water from Whole Foods and a few things at Trader Joe’s
(saying hi to Ana). Mom’s been having a busy morning of visitors so we decide
to take our time getting there. Stopping by the Sandler Center where the DEJA
peeps are setting up for the big Wall show tomorrow. I need to transfer some
movie files from Anne’s computer. Then, we grab a quick bite at Shake Shack.
At the hospice visiting mom. Ken, Austin, and Cindy are
here. Ken plays The Beatles song, “In My Life”, and it just moves me. I’ve
noticed certain lyrics or things people say trigger an emotional response that
can’t be ignored. At some point Addy shows up with the violin. And of course we
start playing beautiful music for mom, filling the room up with an energy that
cannot be described. Pastor Rick and Diana show up and help guide us in a few
hymns like “I’ll Fly Away” and “How Great Thou Art”. In between the nurses and
other people show up. Ken points out it’s like a sitcom. I’m so grateful she
gets the opportunity to feel all this love and support from people before she
leaves us.
Mom tries to explain after a song or two that Wayne fell in
love with her cause of her voice.
Dad laughs and responds, “Not just for that.”
“Oh it was the cookin’!” I add.
Pastor Rick, dad, and I go into the chapel room and discuss
things regarding the memorial service. It’s important we take care of these
things now before we have to concern ourselves with it during the grieving
process. Pastor is always so comforting and assures me I have nothing to worry
about and that the church will handle everything. He explains how he lost his
mother back in 2003 – how it made him feel like a little boy again during that
whole process but in the years to come afterwards he felt a sudden surge of
strength and it made him a better man and a better pastor.
Back in mom’s hospice room. Aunt Pansy and Peter show up and
mom’s longtime friend, Lynn. Then, Josiah and Bianca appear. Josiah is prepared
to play a song for her, a hymn that George Harrison wrote. He even passes out
lyric sheets to everyone to sing along. At the end mom raises her hands up as
if she were in church surrendering.
At some point everyone departs. Lynn decides to spend the
night and stay with her. Before I leave I give mom one last embrace (for the
night). I can’t help but start weeping again in her arms. She immediately responds
with the kind of crying only a mother can do.
Back home. Having some leftovers for dinner with Ana.
Figuring some slideshow problems for the show tomorrow.
Playing piano at the studio. It’s been a long day.
