Friday June 29 2012


☼ ○ ▬

Jumping high in the air...above traffic...avoiding possible awkward eye glances with the passerby’s.

▬ ○ ☼

Opening my eyes just before 10 a.m. She’s next to me completely naked. Even though I already received my sexual healing from last night I can’t resist the heat that encompasses our bodies. Just one more time...

Scrambled Eggs. Toast with Butter and Blackberry Jam. Orange Juice.

Watching The Rum Diary (2011).

Darren drives us to various stores for groceries and necessities.

Peanut Butter Bagel. Potato Chip Trio. Lemonade.

Running a few errands on my bike.

At home. Sitting in my computer chair. Kristin machine gun texted me earlier with some disconcerting thoughts. I call her back and we have at it. She blew me off last by not coming out to the show when she originally intended to. This isn’t the real issue though. I don’t even know what to think about any idea of “us”. But I guess you could say we come to some more conclusions – accepting certain variables in the equation that are unchangeable, at least on my part. We touch on some of the humorous aspects towards the end of the conversation but still revering the fragility of the situation.


Her: “I feel like you’re hindering me from getting on with my life. Why am I hung up on this?”


Me: “Do you think I don’t have the skills to handle you?”


Her: “I feel taken for granted. I feel like I’m a second-class citizen to you.”


Her: “I have a big problem with how much time you need for’re very self-absorbed.”


Her: “I objectify men. I have sexual tension with everybody.”


Me: “I do have a lot to give. I’m just not ready to give it.”


Her: “So how long is it gonna take to pick out your next victim?”

Me: “Shut up I should ask you the same question.”


Her: “Part of me just wants to hate you. My heart hurts.”

Me: “I feel it. I really do.”


Her: “I think we just need to let go of whatever it is we’re holding onto.”

Me: “I’m so sad and disappointed and upset. I’m sorry I brought you into this.”

I’ve come to learn something about myself. I’m too focused inward...focused on my life. I have a choice to make sacrifices in order to let someone else in. And it’s not that I think she’s not worth it. She even reiterates to me that she thinks she’s an awesome person and has a lot to offer. I can’t agree more. If I were to choose any route for a female support system in my life I would pick her. But I’m just not ready for that kind of intensity in my life. I need to stay independent. I try to get that across to her and I think we both understand where we’re coming from. With a bittersweet taste on our mouths we attempt to conclude the exchange of words. It’s not so sour now...


Her: “I hate that you’re not ready to date bc we could be awesome together.”

Baked Haddock Fillets with Kale, Mushrooms, Onions, Green Peppers, Jalapenos, and Rice. Beer.

Watching The General’s Daughter (1999).

My car is finally ready after two weeks. I meet up with my guy over at his storage unit. I got him to paint a brand new color to it, Daytona Violet Metallic, and all covered under the settlement check given to me by my insurance company.


I spend the rest of the night re-establishing my car home – fixing minor things here and there. 

Sleep at 3:30 a.m.

[i] Miranda Lehman.

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