[i]
☼ ○ ▬
Jumping high in the air...above traffic...avoiding possible
awkward eye glances with the passerby’s.
▬ ○ ☼
Opening my eyes just before 10 a.m. She’s next to me
completely naked. Even though I already received my sexual healing from last
night I can’t resist the heat that encompasses our bodies. Just one more
time...
Scrambled Eggs. Toast with Butter and Blackberry Jam. Orange
Juice.
Watching The Rum Diary (2011).
Darren drives us to various stores for groceries and
necessities.
Peanut Butter Bagel. Potato Chip Trio. Lemonade.
Running a few errands on my bike.
At home. Sitting in my computer chair. Kristin machine gun
texted me earlier with some disconcerting thoughts. I call her back and we have
at it. She blew me off last by not coming out to the show when she originally
intended to. This isn’t the real issue though. I don’t even know what to think
about any idea of “us”. But I guess you could say we come to some more
conclusions – accepting certain variables in the equation that are
unchangeable, at least on my part. We touch on some of the humorous aspects
towards the end of the conversation but still revering the fragility of the
situation.
...
Her: “I feel like you’re hindering me from getting on with
my life. Why am I hung up on this?”
...
Me: “Do you think I don’t have the skills to handle you?”
...
Her: “I feel taken for granted. I feel like I’m a
second-class citizen to you.”
...
Her: “I have a big problem with how much time you need for
yourself...you’re very self-absorbed.”
...
Her: “I objectify men. I have sexual tension with
everybody.”
...
Me: “I do have a lot to give. I’m just not ready to give
it.”
...
Her: “So how long is it gonna take to pick out your next
victim?”
Me: “Shut up I should ask you the same question.”
...
Her: “Part of me just wants to hate you. My heart hurts.”
Me: “I feel it. I really do.”
...
Her: “I think we just need to let go of whatever it is we’re
holding onto.”
Me: “I’m so sad and disappointed and upset. I’m sorry I
brought you into this.”
I’ve come to learn something about myself. I’m too focused
inward...focused on my ambitions...my dreams...my life. I have a choice to make
sacrifices in order to let someone else in. And it’s not that I think she’s not
worth it. She even reiterates to me that she thinks she’s an awesome person and
has a lot to offer. I can’t agree more. If I were to choose any route for a
female support system in my life I would pick her. But I’m just not ready for
that kind of intensity in my life. I need to stay independent. I try to get
that across to her and I think we both understand where we’re coming from. With
a bittersweet taste on our mouths we attempt to conclude the exchange of words.
It’s not so sour now...
...
Her: “I hate that you’re not ready to date bc we could be
awesome together.”
Baked Haddock Fillets with Kale, Mushrooms, Onions, Green
Peppers, Jalapenos, and Rice. Beer.
Watching The General’s Daughter (1999).
My car is finally ready after two weeks. I meet up with my
guy over at his storage unit. I got him to paint a brand new color to it,
Daytona Violet Metallic, and all covered under the settlement check given to me
by my insurance company.
...
I spend the rest of the night re-establishing my car home –
fixing minor things here and there.
Sleep at 3:30 a.m.
[i] Miranda
Lehman.
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