Monday October 24 2011

Waking up at 11:16 a.m.

All day shift at China Wok.

Banana. Orange Juice. Zinc, Alfalfa Grain.

Amanda, referring to my choice of attire in general: “You’re just such a ridiculous looking person.”

Egg Sandwich with Tomato. Potato Chip Trio. Honey Green Tea.

Either there are more birds than usual up there on the electrical lines or I just haven’t been noticing them. I watch their little petite bodies flutter around as I wait at the stoplights. A school of them suddenly take off—swerving left and right, none sure of the direction. Who’s leading them? Is there even a leader? Or are they all just one organism, united, connected.

My mother texts me a black and white photo she found on the community wall of a library in Lake Wales, Florida—she says it looks like me.

Mom: “Crazy how i went n 2 find this book and stopt 2 look at the pics the whole wall was lined with colodges my eyes went strait 2 him”

Me: “Maybe that is me from another life.”

A woman enters the restaurant, in the middle of a phone conversation. She looks impatient to get off the phone so she can order. She finally hangs up...

Woman: “I wish my phone were dead.”

Me: “All you gotta do is turn it off.”


Woman: “If I didn’t have kids I would.”

Applesauce. Ice Cream Cone.

Darren’s car broke down doing a few deliveries so I’m flying solo tonight for the dinner rush. They don’t call me the China Wok Flash for nothing.

Four Cheese Pizza with Garlic. Carrot with Ranch. Yuengling.


Don’t ever come at me with an alcohol-infested attitude ever again. If you want to have a mature adult conversation then I’m all ears. But don’t make me feel like a child being scolded for taking part in an innocent social endeavor that you speculate and wring dry of anything truly beneficial.


You’re hateful. You’re controlling. You’re possessive. At the same time there’s a list of other qualities I take a liking to and adore about you. But you’re a drug—a self-destructive drug—draining me dry and drowning me into delirium—a persistent addiction that keeps knocking on my door. Let’s get one thing straight, whether you believe it or not, I’ve loved you for a long time. And I know you have too. Every time I think of you I’m bombarded with bittersweet emotions. But you make me weak and I want to be strong. This last drop of blood you’ve taken. I’ve hit my threshold for your dark moments. We need a detoxxx. &*#(*R&M(&(&(☼╕Ü7│○,o☻◙▀111!!!!!!!!

It’s scary. Trust me, I know. Unfortunately, there are no nicotine patches to put on our arms, only cold turkey solutions.


Oh God, what have I done? I’ve completely ignored your calls, the clanging noise at my window. I can only imagine the distress you’re experiencing—the feeling of being ignored is the worst kind of feeling. You want to be validated. The thing is...I do too. I’m sorry about all this. I just do not have the capacity. Something needs to change. At another moment in time I want to see you and get it all out once again...and for all.

“the places that used to fit me, can not hold the things i have learned.”

Sleep 4 a.m.

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