Thursday May 3 2012


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My right front tooth falls out. I notice it as I drive around in my car. I’m very disturbed by this.

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Waking up at 12:19 p.m.

My body feels weak and my nose is still clogged up. Being sickly is not a pleasant way to be.

Half a Banana. Orange Juice. Ibuprofen (200 mg).


Double Egg Sandwich with Mayonnaise and Tomato. Creamy Tomato Soup. Honey Oolong Tea.

Watching I Melt with You (2011).

Margot calls me but our conversation doesn’t last too long as she’s in the process of retrieving the new True Blood book at Barnes N Noble and says that she’s having dinner with her mom after.


I text, “you’re losing me”

Her: “Wut?”


Her: “What do you mean baby?”


Her: “Srsly. Don’t text me something like that and then not respond.”

Me: “sorry. i feel a distance. we haven’t really seen each other much at all lately.”

Editing old blog entries.

A little bit of Chocolate. Ibuprofen (200 mg).

She stops by briefly. Catching up on yesterday and today’s activities. I’m not feeling very secure and she takes notice after I display a few hints. She leaves.

Garlic Barbecue Salmon with Onions, Mushrooms, Kale, Carrots, and Rice.

At Stephanie’s place having Vaginasaurs practice with her and Sarah. It’s been at least three weeks I would say since we’ve gotten together. We have a show Saturday at a basement in Norfolk so we just brush through the set.

Stef gives me an Immune Booster from Arbonne to help with my sickness. I already feel ten times better than this morning. 

I call up Margot cause she said we could hang out when I got out of practice. She’s at Harpoon Larry’s having a few drinks as usual, and with some guy friend that I’m halfway familiar with but still not sure if he poses a threat or not. She says she’ll call me after her and her friends get another drink somewhere else. I’m irritated that another night in a row she’s blowing me off. Her lack of concern doesn’t help. She’s in the middle of a social commotion so the conversation is hard to focus on for her. I hang up in a fluster.


[Text message]

Me: “I don’t think you understand that I need you. and you’re making yourself unavailable more and more everyday. I’m backing off. have fun with your new guyfriend. its obvious I’m not what you want or need anymore.”

30 minutes go by – no response.

Me: “ don’t care. I appreciate the concern.”

I’m being dramatic I know. But she’s still not responding. I understand that she’s with people and such. But c’mon, have some empathy.


An hour goes by while I work on some writing.

Me: “now you’re just being a jerk by ignoring me. thanks for ruining our plans to spend time together.”

Already stressed out as it is I walk downstairs to find Kevin, Richie, and Skippy trashing the place by turning everything they can find into projectiles.

Me: “Are you fucking kidding me? We just cleaned this place! This is ridiculous!”

I’ve had it. I decide to hop in the car and head up to Poon’s. I know she’ll be there. I ride past the parking lot and discover two bodies leaned up against Margot’s car. Could it be? They’re kissing. And one of them is definitely Margot. With haste I pull up into the spot next to them and get out. I recognize the dude as Shane, the guy she confessed to being attracted to a while ago. 

Me: “What the fuck? Are you kidding me right now?”

Margot’s in the driver’s seat of her car now blindsided with her hands over her face in shock and shame. I’m infuriated and also shocked.

Me: “Margot, what is going on here?”

Shane is still standing here. I turn to him.

Me: “So you must be Shane. You do realize that her and I are seeing each other.”

He calmly explains to me that he was pushing himself onto her and that this is the only time anything like this has every happened. Also, he includes the fact that he’s leaving for California on Sunday.

Me: “Okay. I appreciate your honesty. But this is not cool. This is disrespectful.”

He’s a big man and undoubtedly stronger than me. Not that I considered fighting because it wasn’t even my first thought. I’m a reasonable person and politely ask him to leave. He accepts and departs from the scene.

I turn back to Margot and through the window yell, “We’re done!!!” And storm off. Back into my car and up the block. But quickly pull a u-turn and park right back where I was. I get out again and begin a lecture of the century...

Me: “You fucked up! This is the shittiest thing you’ve pulled on me.”

I pace back and forth blurting out statements.

Me: “I don’t know what to do. Maybe I should use this as an opportunity to exit the relationship.”


Me: “I don’t deserve this!”

She’s remorseful and disappointed with herself.

Her: “You’re right. I’m not for you.”

Me: “I’ve lost all my respect for you now.”


Me: “How are you attracted to all these shallow types? These guys don’t care about you as a person. He’s shallow. I could see it in his dull eyes! He knew you were with someone and yet he pushed himself on you anyway. I’m beginning to think you’re a shallow person too.”


Me: “They’re only going to make you feel pretty for one moment. One moment! I make you feel beautiful all the time...and I tell you all the time.”


Me: “I mean what perfect timing. There’s a reason I caught this scene. I mean what if I left a minute or two sooner or later I wouldn’t have caught it.”

She explains that none of this was planned. He wasn’t supposed to be here.

Her: “I was about to leave...”

Me: “You were about to leave...and then call me? But not after getting your kicks on with some dude first.”

She looks up at me with sad eyes and says, “I’m sorry.”


Me: “You’ve lost your integrity.”


She explains too that this is a part of the fact that she doesn’t feel like she’s IN the relationship anymore. The word boredom keeps coming up.

Me: “What, you couldn’t at least ended things with me first before you allow something like this to happen? Before you let some sleaze push himself all over you?”


She develops tears in her eyes and they stream down her face. She’s truly disappointed by her actions.


Me: “Look, I’ve done worse to you. This isn’t that bad. Yes, I’m angry. Yes, I’m hurt but people have done worse.” 


Me: “We’re weak hearted people, Margot.”

Her: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Weak-willed. We’re weak-willed. I want to just get in my car and leave but I don’t know how. I don’t need to convince you this was wrong...that this was thoroughly fucked up.”


Me: “I’m the only one in this world that’s in love with you!”


Me: “And I know you’re worried about losing me as a friend but we can’t be anything else to each other. We can only be lovers or nothing at all.”


Me: “I’ve invested so much in you. Of all those times I had to deal with you yelling at me for no reason...only because you were drunk. I dealt with so much. And I stayed! I could’ve used that as a reason to leave but I stayed anyway. Cause I loved you. Now I guess I have a reason to exit.”


We’re distracted briefly from drunk people yelling in the street nearby. Half off-topic I comment on the situation, “There’s so much anger going on. People have really lost it, man. We’ve lost it! What is happening to humanity?”


She stretches out her arm reaching for my hand. I glance at it for a second then keep pacing around trying to avoid it. I almost give in but retort with, “I’m not touching you, Margot.”

Offended she revs up and leaves.

I shout to her, “Don’t get all pissy with me! You screwed up!”

She sends me a few after-texts...

“I’m so sorry. I love you. Your life will be better without me in it. I know you hate me and have every right. Just know I will always care about you and be there if you need me.”

God, I want to respond with, your words don’t mean anything to me anymore. But maybe I should just stay silent. Should I just give her the cold shoulder? I do have every right to. Should I really use this as a reason to stop seeing her? I could. But I fear it wouldn’t be enough. Part of me wants to fight for her. But is it worth it now? We’ve gotten through worse than this before. I want to stay on this silent treatment. But will I have the strength?

Cookie Butter Sandwich. Lots of Water...

Sleep sometime after 4 a.m.

One more text from her, “...and you deleted/blocked me on fb? Alright then. I’m going to leave you alone now. We shouldn’t talk anymore. I’m sorry.”

[i] Emma Bennett. (my depiction).

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Those projectiles seem so fickle now.