Sunday May 6 2012


☼ ○ ▬

In the house – a few friends scattered about. I pick up an acoustic guitar and notice the A string is jangly and loose but emits a sitar-like sound when I pluck it. I try to build a song from here with an Asian-scale chant.

▬ ○ ☼

Waking up at 11:20 a.m.

A fresh hot shower proves to be invigorating.

Cinnamon Oatmeal with Brown Sugar, Flax Seed, and Milk. Orange Juice.

All day shift at China Wok.

I’m still slightly depressed and my mind is still marinating in thoughts of loss – my stomach getting sick spasms. 

The deliveries begin and continue at a steady pace.

Deerhunter and Interpol are lulling my mood to victorious plateaus as I drive around.

It’s nice because throughout the day I’m having a casual text conversation with Kristin that helps in distracting me from my gloom.

I’m startled by a text message from Margot...

“Hey. I behaved last night. Didn’t get wasted. Not even close. Love you. Have a good day at work. I’m hanging with mommy.”

Yesterday she told me she was going out with friends for Cinco de Mayo. I asked her to behave. I’ll admit that this text makes me feel a little better because out of context it feels like a normal correspondence. I appreciate that. But I choose not to respond. I would like to try and continue the silent treatment from here on out unless she desperately needs me for any reason. 

I’ve been here before. We’ve done this before. I’m just missing the old and the comfortable. That’s all this is. I’m going to have to go through a detox. And those are never pleasurable. I could pass for a junkie trying to get off heroin or dope. I mean that’s what Margot has been to me over the years, a drug. I will press forward and welcome the opportune distance.


Here I am...breaking away from your hold. I’m free. I can really be free now. I’m letting go of your power over me (my heart)...leaving you alone as I hope you will too. This separation has been long over due.

God, this weather today is beautiful and perfect – just the right combination of sunshine and breeze.

Double Egg Sandwich with Mayonnaise and Tomato. Salt n Vinegar Chips. Aloe Vera Drink.

The whole shift has been non-stop driving. The deliveries keep coming all night until the last drop.

Finally off work.

Tofu with Broccoli, Snow Peas, Onions, and Rice in Garlic Sauce. Mickey’s.

Fortune cookie: “All you have is today—there is no such thing as yesterday or tomorrow.”

So Margot finally questions the silence by texting me, “What so you’re ignoring me now?”

I guess I have to say something now. I’m not very good at being rude.

Me: “I’m sorry. I wasn’t sure what to say back.”

Her: “Ok.”

Me: “and I went through quite a mental torment about you yesterday and some of it bled into today. I’ve been really sad.”

Her: “I’m so sorry. I should just leave you alone.”

Me: “one day when all is said and done we can look back and say to each other, we finally did it. we let us go.

Her: “I will never let you go completely. You were my first love and that’s forever.”

Me: “I hate acting like an emo sap but I love you so much, baby. its only been somewhat of a week and I miss that closeness and comfort we had. even through all the hate spells I adore you and cherish you. but I know how to be a man and be strong. and that’s what I’m gonna try and do.”

Doing chores – cleaning up the dishes – laundry – brewing tea for the week.

Anthony had emailed me a while ago...

Exchange long emails soon?

I decide to begin with this one,

Oh Dean,
I wish I could capture all that has been taking over my mind into a net and simply sling it your way. But I fear even if I accomplish that you still wouldn't know what to make of the figures and pieces. It's easy for a junkie to get off heroin when he's geographically distant from it's grip. Let's just say for you being on the road I'm sure it is much easier. But here it is a different kind of story for me. I'm starting a detox and it's the roughest kind because she's so close by (literally and speaking of the heart). It's serious this time, Dean. You might not believe me. Trust me, none of your brothers here do either. And I don't expect any of you to. But here I am...turning into a man at 27 years of age. Separation is a powerful thing but I'm going to press forward. Fresher faces and spirits are in store... 

Sleep around 3:30 a.m.

[i] Leif Podhajsky.

No comments: