Saturday May 5 2012

Alarm goes off a little before 11 a.m. but the comfort zone I’m in is too much to fight. 27 minutes later I’m rushing for work.

All day shift at China Wok.

Pineapple Spears. Cinnamon Apple Sauce. Orange Juice.

Slow lunch hour.

Bagging fried noodles.

It’s a hot one – in the 80’s.

Blueberry Fiber Rice Snacks.

The old lady that always has me get her cigarettes places an order. And of course this requires a lengthy phone conversation because as usual she has to get through a series of questions before she finalizes the food she wants. This time I’m requested to get her a pack of gum and a lighter, but no cigarettes.

I deliver everything. She’s half blind. She has to be in her 80’s at least. At the door she comments on how nice I am to do this all the time and then blindsides me with, “I love you.” I don’t know what to say back. I just reply with, “Okay, see you next time.”

Egg Sandwich with Mayonnaise and Tomato. French Fries from Five Guys. Pomegranate Cherry Ade.

It’s a really slow day for Chinese food. I didn’t think Cinco de Mayo would have much effect on our business but I guess it does.

Dinner picks up for the last hour of my shift. As I’m speeding down Birdneck Road a cop pulls me over. I’m hating myself now. I can’t afford another ticket. He approaches the window and explains I was going 55 in a 35.

I respond with, “Sorry sir. I work for China Wok. And I was in a rush trying to deliver this guy’s food cause it’s late. I apologize.”

Surprisingly he says, “I’ll tell you what. You’re the only one I’m gonna give a break to today.”

I’m filled with relief, “Thank you sir.”

Cop: “Slow down alright?”

I feel sorry for all the other people he’s gonna pull over because they’re not getting any breaks.

During some of the drives I decide to call Margot. I’ve kind of disturbed her from a nap. I’m calm at first but I have things to get off my chest. I badger and grill her with more questions...

Me: “Why? Why did you do what you did?”

Her: “Do you really want an answer?”

Me: “If there’s one to tell, yes.”

Her: “I’m an awful person.”

Me: “That’s it? You’re an awful person?”

Her: “Yeah.”

I know she’s taking on the defeatist mindset like she usually does when she has no explanation. But goodness, is that really what it boils down to? I’ve been in love with “an awful person”? I just can’t accept that. It’s outrageous and at the same time, explains everything.

I get irritated with her nonchalant attention and emotionless responses. The one thing she keeps saying for a reason as to why the past few weeks have been so blasé are, “I just wasn’t feeling it anymore. I wasn’t IN the relationship.”

Somehow I’m able to be reasonable with her and end on a somewhat mutually agreeable note. We exchange I love you’s and hang up.

Finishing up the work shift. I scoop up Darren, James Graves, and Gillian from the house and we head to Norfolk for the basement show...

Me: “Dude, my day was so eventful. Everything happened. The whole world collapsed on me today!”


We arrive at Jimmy’s house. There’s a packed bunch in the basement. Josiah goes on first with his frenetic Bamm Bamm project. Then, I put on my new dress and green wig and bang on the drums for The Vaginasaurs. Then, Suburban Living.


In the backyard there’s fresh air and fresh people. Pleasant words and little sparse raindrops tickle the skin. It feels good to be here as I was looking forward to this gathering all day. But the night comes to a close. We gather the music gear and our posse into the station wagon.  


On the drive back home. The cluttered interstate. Friends in the car with me but I still feel alone inside – a deep loss. I discover Joy Division on an iPod playlist. It rings and pulses...taking the wheel and steering itself into a pretend oblivion. Heavy. Heavy. Heavy. I didn’t think that emptiness had a volume...a volume so full it actually has weight.


I’m just terribly despondent. I’ve let my imagination take over. Albert Einstein once said, “Imagination is more important than knowledge.” I’ve never understood how much sense that makes until now. Imagination controls and replaces reality. We let it. I let it. God, she’s on my mind like a cancer. I miss her.


Eventually, more upbeat angsty tunes come on and everyone sings along to The Killers and Nirvana.

“Open up my eager eyes! Cause I’m Mr. Brightside!”

Back home.

I saw Kristin, my newly acquainted friend, at the basement show. I call her up and vent to her my heart and mind’s troubles. I find when I talk to an actual person I have the ability to articulate so much more than in my own mind.

Me: “It’s so weird. I don’t even know you really. We only had one meeting. And here I am venting all this stuff to you. I mean you understand what’s going on.”


Me: “It’s that whole death thing I was talking to you about yesterday. It feels like a death. But with death comes the value. I’m going to start valuing the other things more...other other friends.”

Elliott, James, Darren, and Gillian go to Rick’s. I stay behind. I put a pizza in the oven after realizing I haven’t eaten dinner. What surprises me even more is the fact that the thought of food didn’t even cross my mind the whole evening.

I snack on some Carrots and Broccoli with Ranch. And soon after a DiGiorno Cheese Pizza.

Sorting through my worries and troubled thoughts. Sipping on Chamomile Tea with Honey and Lemon.

Sleep at 3:30 a.m.

[i] Black Circle Eclipse. Image source unknown.
[ii] Show photos by Jasmine P and Elliott.

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