Monday May 7 2012


☼ ○ ▬

In the home of some kind of sorority. 6 or 7 female roommates live and work together here. It’s understood to be China Wok or another kind of restaurant. And my job is to deliver. My mom had placed an order 20 minutes ago. I find all the girls lounging in a room taking a break. I get irritated at them because my mom’s order hasn’t even been started and I still have to deliver it. Later, I’m scraping the sides of a white box with a half-eaten cake inside. The orange frosting has hardened and encrusted around the edges. And so I’m trying to condense the space in the box.
▬ ○ ☼

Getting out of bed at 11:10 a.m.

All day shift at China Wok.

Cinnamon Applesauce. Aloe Vera Drink.

Another new day with new opportunities.

Margot responds to the texts from last night...

Her: “Sorry. I fell asleep. Opening today. I don’t even know what to say to all of that...I miss you too and all of this feels strange to me and sudden.”

Me: “yeah the distance from you is definitely strange and sudden. but it’ll become the norm eventually.”

I want to move on and press forward into people that will enrich my life. I think about being with other people. It could help solidify the distance I want to achieve. But the idea of that feels weird. I just want to be free from the stakes of love...for now. This isn’t the first time her and I have tried separating. I’ve dipped my feet in this water before. You get scared. But you develop strength in time.

Having a brief text message conversation with Gillian. Mentioning my fear at the thought of never settling down or waiting too long.

Her: “There is always time to settle down. Live your life organically, let things fall into place naturally, age gracefully.”

Me: “I like that.”

Her: “The maxim of life.”

Tuna Salad Sandwich with Tomato. Salt n Vinegar Chips. Honey Oolong Tea.

A slow shift for Chinese food.

Chatting with my mom for a little while – she’s thrilled to be catching up on financial woes.

My mind has a positive energetic river flowing through it today. Every hour that passes is just one step closer to emotional independence.


It’s terribly slow for business today.

Hot and Sour Soup. Spring Rolls.

Off work.

Doing a few chores.

Then I receive the call from Margot...the “miss you” call that is. It’s nice to hear her. We chat about our eventful weekends like best friends if nothing emotionally distraught has happened. She describes quite the horrific incident that happened with a girl she knows from work involving a stabbing. It reminded her of lost opportunities – worrying that the last time we could’ve had sex she turned down on me, which has been a week and about four days. She mentions goodbye sex and playfully asks if I would come over there.

Me: “I mean I’ve imagined what I’d do if we ever met up again soon to hang out and catch up. Like, I imagine myself walking in the door and immediately smothering you with kisses and all that.”

Her: “So would you?”

Me: “Hmmm. Most of me would. The other part of me...well, what are our terms here?

She explains that she feels bad about not really having a conclusive hang out that included sex and she’s starting her period soon, so it wouldn’t make sense to have to wait and interrupt the healing process.  

Me: What do we do after tonight?

Her: “We work at things.”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Her: “Like being different...not being us.”


Her: “We’ve broken up before. We should know what to do by now.”

Me: “Yeah but none of our methods worked cause we just ended up back together.”


Her: “I can see you being my go-to boyfriend.”

Me: “You mean, default.”

Her: “Yeah like later down the road we might get together and hook up and be like, hey it was nice seeing you, and that’s it.”

I head over to her place. As I climb the stairs to the third floor of her condo I smile the closer and closer I approach her front door. She lets me in. I immediately embrace and kiss her with intensity. It’s wonderful to see her. We retreat to the bedroom and continue as planned. I light a candle and keep the mushroom nightlight lit as well. Her body pressed against mine. Intimate warmth. Her hand providing comfort down below. We’re magnets. Positive and negative. My lips covering her caramel bosom. The force between us is unstoppable once we’re in such close vicinity. The sound of the cars rushing by on the interstate just outside. I don’t want to be anywhere else right now. She rides with precision and purpose. I glance at the closet mirror to capture another beautiful perspective. She’s planted on the bed and I take the reigns now – pounding and controlling the rhythm and responses. Then...the chair. And we’re finished.

I take a deep breath and sigh of relief, “Oh you’re so beautiful. You’re so good. You satisfy me.”



We lie down side by side.

Me: “It feels like I’m on a cloud...with a multitude of cherubs flying around...and then there’s you.”


I tell her about how I was prepared to not see her again, at least for a long while. This whole weekend I had started on a path to letting go. It helped though because now this meeting has a sense of casual about it...a sense of normalcy but also a mutual understanding. We’re on the same page right now, which is a rarity. Our conversation is akin to that of old lovers or best friends. It’s light and fun and laid back.


Something about Facebook comes up...

Me: “You’re not friends with me [on Facebook] so you don’t know what I’m doing.”

Her: “Why did you do that?”

Me: “Do what?”

Her: “Why did you delete me?”

Me: “Sorry I was mad at you.”

Her: “Well re-friend meee!”

Me: “Why?”

Her: “Because I’m— Whyeee? You hurt my feelings.”

Me: “Well you hurt my feelings.”


Me: “You’re always fresh to me.”

Her: “You say that but you’re gonna forget me soon and....”

Me: “I’m not gonna forget you.”

Her: “ some hipster bitch fuckin whore.”

I laugh out loud.

Me: “Hey, you’re the one who said you’re bored of me so...don’t even get offended. That’s not fair. You can’t be bored of me and then not expect me know, I don’t know, meet someone else who isn’t bored with me.”

Her: “Stop...I don’t like it.”

Me: “We’re always gonna be sort of possessive of each other in some way.”


Me: “You’re gonna miss me a lot.”

Her: “Probably.”

Me: “You’re gonna be at home watching T.V. and just think to yourself, something is missing. Somebody’s missing. Where’s Robert? And then you’re gonna text me or call.”


There are moments when this relationship doesn’t seem so toxic.


I keep offering passionate kisses.

Me: “Ah. I’m gonna miss kissing you the most.”

This is a good note to end on.

Me: “Alright, cutie pie.”

Her: “You tucking me in?”

I look at her longingly and with strength.

Me: “We’re only gonna go farther from here...”

I make my way towards the bedroom door and turn on her fan, which she likes to have on while sleeping.

Me: “Bye-bye. See you around.”

Her: “I love you.”

Me: “I know. I love you too.”

Back home.

I recall the other “last hurrah” we had last Halloween...

It’s funny to look back on history and see life repeat itself so many times without shame.

I love you very much. I will never forget you (us) cause I have you (us) preserved in pen.

Back home.

Peanut Butter Cookie Butter Bagel. Coconut Milk.

Sleep sometime around 3 a.m.

[i] The Balance of the Zodiac. Luis Ricardo Falero.

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