Friday May 11 2012


☼ ○ ▬

I’m a part of this contestant troupe – maybe it’s reality or just a live-action realistic video game – where we travel from level to level, using our karate and combat skills to fight ghostly opponents through manmade constructions and mazes. Each level rises in difficulty. The three other girls I’m with are extremely cute in appearance. Throughout the game and the travels I recognize how attractive they are and it proves to be distracting at times because I find myself involuntarily trying to impress them.

▬ ○ ☼

It’s 12:49 p.m. I wake up to a missed call from Margot. I guess she just wants to say hi. It has been four days up to this point since we’ve spoken. She texted me last night saying she missed me. I text her back instead, “aw kitty. you’re always on my mind.” But she calls me soon after. I answer.

Me: “Hey.”

Warmly she replies with, “Hiiii.”


In a playful manner she asks, “Have you replaced me yet?”

Me: “What? Ha. No.”

She attempts to get me to join her at Panera. But I don’t want to leave the house just yet. So I offer to visit her later before she goes to work.

Quaker Brown Sugar Cinnamon Breakfast Bar. Orange Juice.

I head over to Margot’s. It’s a hot beautiful day. There. Her and her roommate, Emily, are sitting on the couch. I plop down. A cheesy over dramatic TV show with Jennifer Love Hewitt plays. Emily puts on some boring soaps that cause Margot and I to retreat to the bedroom.

Emily: “You two be good...”

I smile back mischievously.


We lie down on the bed and she’s adamant about snuggling.

Me: “Yeah I’ve just been preoccupying myself.”

Her: “Have you been sad?”

Me: “Only when I’m alone.” 

The whole scene is cute and funny. We kiss a few times and I persist in kissing more intently. Then, caressing wherever I can. I don’t go too much further than that.

Me: “I’m just teasing you...or teasing myself.”

Her: “I feel kind of bad.”

Me: “But why?”

Her: “Cause we’re not supposed to be doing this.”

Me: “Its just affection. I’m not taking this too seriously.”

Time to go. We step outside the bedroom. Emily’s cleaning the kitchen.

Me: “Don’t worry, Emily. We didn’t have sex.”

I feel sort of weird about that. I’m not taking it too seriously but I’d prefer to just not see her and have no contact with her. I predict she’ll reach out to me another time soon, maybe in a week. I don’t know. I’ve already untangled myself from her web and I’d like to keep it that way.

Back home. Darren and Devon are eating steak fajitas. I tap into some of the Chips and Guacamole he made and eat a little bit of Applesauce.


Eating the last of the Chocolate Chip Cookie Bar.


Meeting up with Kristin in Norfolk for sushi at a quaint restaurant in Ghent called Kotobuki.

Discussions veer onto the topic of Christianity and then to the origins of eating meat.

Me: “We were never meant to eat meat. From a biblical perspective...we eat meat because of sin. We were kicked out of the Garden of Eden because we sinned. And we had no choice but to cultivate our own crops and be hunters and gatherers. And we weren’t allowed to eat the fresh fruits and veggies of the garden anymore. And we reverted to eating our friends [the animals] that God created for us. And look at all the diseases we have because of it. Our body is still not immune to all the degenerative diseases that we have because of meat. It’s ridiculous.”

We mix and match 4 different sushi rolls, three of them being vegan and one spicy salmon for myself. A bottle of unfiltered chilled silky sake is all the rage. 


We head back to her apartment.  

Two cats roam the place, one named Freddie and one named Margot.

Me: “Ha! I can’t believe you have a cat named Margot. That is too funny.”

But they don’t belong to her; they’re her roommate’s.


In her bedroom – it’s a small cozy room. A spunky abode for a spunky gal. She puts on Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974). I watch off and on as we chill-ax on her bed. I’m a little drunk off the white sake. She’s comfortable enough to caress my back and hold me from behind, which leads to an innocent bundling of bodies on the bed.


Her statements are almost always animated with expression. She would do well as a children’s cartoon voiceover.

Her: “Why do you seem so nervous right now?”

Me: “What?”

Her: “Are you nervous?”

Me: “Uh. I tend to be nervous sometimes. But I’m not uncomfortable.”

Her: “Am I too close for your comfort?”

Me: “Not at all. I’m really comfortable.”

Her: “Cause I like being really close.”

Me: “You’re doing what you feel natural.”


She does this thing when I’m talking about something she’ll just stare from a distance without responding. I turn my head and giggle...

Her: “Whaaaaat? Can you not handle me staring at you?”

Me: “Haha.”

Her: “Why can’t I stare at you?”

Me: “You can! You’re welcome to. You might not find what you’re looking for.”

Her: “What are you talking about?”

Me: “I’m just talking.”


Me: “I’m only 75% spooky.”

Her: “You can become all spooky with me.”


She mentions how she’s a sexual person.

Me: “Yeah, me too.”

I then tell her the last time I had sex, which was Monday with Margot (the last hurrah). Kristin is worried that I might not be completely over her. But I explain how many endings I’ve had with Margot and that I don’t feel like I need a year to get over it, like most people normally take when moving on from such an intimate relationship.

Her: “I’m a weird person and you don’t know me.” 

Me: “I’m just curious what you’re weird about.”

Her: “But I crave a relationship.”

Me: “Companionship.”

Her: “Yeah. But I don’t really like to get close to people. And I don’t like to get close to people if, like, it’s not going to be anything.”

Me: “Well what do you want it to be?”

Her: “I don’t know what I want it to be...”


Her: “I’m just a real person.”

Me: “That’s okay. I like that.”

Her: “Sometimes I would rather just be by myself than risk getting close to people.”

Me: “Closeness is what being human is all about though.”


Her: “I’m always that girl that dudes cling to when they like need an esteem boost or like something to take their mind off of something. And I’m not trying to fish for anything I’m just letting you know how I feel.”

Me: “I like to roll with things. But it’s just so new. It’s really fresh.”

Her: “I have a really hard time with that.”

Me: “You should just relax. Just take it easy.”

Her: “God, I fuck everything up.”

Me: “You think you’re doing it now?”

Her: “Yeah.”

Me: “You’re not. Promise. I promise you’re not.”

I hold out my pinkie for a pinkie promise cause she said earlier that those mean a lot to her. She clings on.

Her: “I don’t know. I just feel sad all of a sudden.”

Me: “What do you feel sad about?”

Her: “It’s probably because of that sake. I always get crazy when I drink. I get intense.”


Me: “I like how you look at people. You look at people with such intensity.”

She giggles a little.

Me: “Like, the way you look at me. The whole verge thing. You’re thinking into me.”


She’s a bit of a self-loather.

Her: “This is why I just love being by myself. I see myself so differently. I think I’m like this great person and then I see myself with other people and it’s a like a fucking disaster.”

She mocks herself, “Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah.”

Me: “Hey. Go have fun tonight.”

Her: “I probably won’t but I’ll try.

I head out.

[Text message]

Kristin: “Hey, sorry again I got crazy promise it was the sake.”


Kristin: “I like you btw.”

Me: “you’re fine dear. I like you too.”

Chris Remaley is having a going away get together at Felix’s house near Rosemont. I attend for an hour or two – seeing old friends – playing foosball – dancing and sliding across the hardwood floors – four or five iPhones serving as strobe lights. Chris will be joining the merchant marines and be stationed on a ship for six months. We exchange a proper hug out front.

Me: “I can’t believe this is really happening, man.”

We share a laugh.

Chris: “I know.”

He walks away and demands, “Tell me you love me.”

Me: “Ha. I love you, man.”


On the drive home. I feel blasé – lackadaisical – tired. Or maybe dead is the proper term. I don’t know. I see myself aging along side of people...friends whom I shared dreams and big ideas with but now are settling down without those dreams and big ideas. I’m realizing and accepting reality. It can be depressing. I’m having moments of a quarter-life crisis. I’m just plain dissatisfied with my life. I know how to be happy where I’m at but I don’t want to get stuck.

Home now.


There’s a good chunk of people over here drinking and painting and dancing and playing piano. I accommodate Chen, our Chinese couch surfer to Kevin’s bed for a quiet place to rest while the commotion continues downstairs.

Me: “It’s like an adult kindergarten class!”

Sleep 4 a.m.

[i] Dip Dyed Black Hair. Image source unknown.
[ii] Chris Remaley is going away. Image by me.

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