Friday May 4 2012


Waking up around 12:40 p.m.

In retribution Darren felt the need to slightly trash Kevin’s room over the mess he was involved with last night. Kevin had promised to clean up the downstairs but didn’t do it in a timely manner. I take it upon myself to pick up the dining room and kitchen portion.

Pineapple Spears. Cinnamon Apple Sauce. Orange Juice.

Before I closed my eyes last night I texted Becca, “oh becca. I need much strength. can I find it in jesus? we’ve lost it bigtime. humanity has lost it.”

She responded this morning before I woke up, “Humanity really has lost it. Jesus is supposed to be our strength, but most people I meet water that down or deny it all together. Sometimes it’s hard for me to find my own faith cause ppl around me effect my thinking sometimes and it’s discouraging. I probably need to meditate.”

I need fresh company to rid myself of these emotional inconsistencies and dead water. I need a catharsis. Even the heavy shit I just released in the bathroom had a cathartic feel to it.

[Text message]

Margot: “I’m so sorry Robert. I love you so much. You are too nice and too good to me and I’m a piece of shit. I don’t deserve any type of forgiveness from you.”

Me: “its obvious you don’t want me apparent in your actions last night. you’d rather play with snakes in the snake pit than respect the person you I said you’re losing me and’ve lost me.”

Margot: “I care so much for you. I’m sorry things happened this way. I wish you the best and I’ll always be here for you.”

Me: “I feel really hurt and am experiencing a sense of loss. it bugs me that you have only an attitude of farewell and wish me off rather than try to fight for me.”

Margot: “I’m sorry but I feel like its what needs to be done. I do love you so much but I can’t be with you anymore. You don’t deserve me. You deserve something better.”

Me: “you’re right. but I think you’re using this incident as a scapegoat. and that’s okay. because maybe that’s the only way out.”

Margot: “I have just been feeling unsure about us and I don’t want to hurt you anymore. I want you to be in my life still. You’re my best friend. I don’t want to never talk to you again because of this. I just don’t think now is the time for us. Maybe later down the road...”

Me: “hope is a facade. but okay.”

Margot: “I love you forever. Don’t forget.”

Me: “even though I have all this resentment and bitterness towards you...I could use a real hug of some kind that shows you still love me.”

Margot: “I would love to give you one. You free right now? I just got done tanning.”

She’s here now. And offers a perfect hug and embrace.

Her: “Do you like my dress?”

Despondently I reply, “No.”


Her: “Do you hate me?”

Without thought I reply, “Yes.”


I counteract, “I don’t hate you...just your actions.”

We recap last night but in a calm manner this time. I’m still in utter disappointment and persist in lecturing...

Me: “I don’t want to keep lecturing you. I have a lot of insight into things but I don’t want to overwhelm you. I don’t want to keep making you feel worse than you already are. Like I said before I don’t need to convince you that what you did was wrong.”


Me: “It seems like it always takes something extreme to bring out these realizations. Maybe we don’t work. Maybe we don’t fit. Maybe we shouldn’t be together. I feel like hurting each other is the only way out.”


We stand up and hug another time. She’s sympathetic about everything...

Her: “I still want you in my life.”

Me: “There’s only one way for that.”

Her: “You keep saying that.”

Me: “What are you gonna do if I meet someone else?”

Her: “I don’t want to think about that.”

Me: “And what happens if you meet someone? You see? We can’t be friends. There’s only one way to be a part of each other’s lives.”


She’s out of time and has to be at work soon.

I offer, “If you wanted another concession I might be okay with that.”

Her: “Yeah, cause I feel rushed now.”

Small tears stream down the side of her face.

Her: “I’m just thinking about stupid things. Like, all the plans I had with I wanted you to come with me to get True Blood at midnight and watch it with me...and I wanted to go to Kings Dominion with you.”

Me: “Yeah.”


Me: “I like your dress by the way. I lied earlier.”

She perks up a little and smiles.

Me: “So where do we go from here?”

Her: “I don’t know. I guess I’ll talk to you another time.”

Grilled Cheese on a Bagel. Creamy Tomato Soup. Aloe Vera Drink.

I’m trying to block out all this emotional-relationship-possession-control mumbo jumbo.

Editing old blog entries.

More Pineapple Spears and a Banana.

Josiah’s having Bamm Bamm practice with Josh McHugh at his storage unit. So I decide to take a ride on my bike there to retrieve my book bag from him. The smell of honeysuckle ripe in the summer air.

Raw Broccoli and Carrots with Ranch.

I made contact with Kristin, who I know through an old high school friend and have come across at a few shows. We’ve been meaning to hang out for a while but schedules never worked in our favor...until now. She suggests Rick’s Café. I couldn’t have suggested a better place. So we meet up there.

I get the Spaghetti Marinara with Texas Toast and sip on water with lemon.

I wouldn’t call this a date but this is definitely an initiatory meeting with a girl I don’t know very well. But it’s fresh and new. And it’s fun to turn on the observant satellite dishes and pay close attention to uncharted terrain. Lightening flashes through the window of our booth and it begins to pour outside. She becomes immediately concerned about my bike. Our topic of conversation starts with cavities and a fixation for candy then progresses into epiphanies had on fire escapes and relationship history – how love shapes who you are – learning wholeness independent of another. 


Fresh company is a key ingredient in the recipe to soothe a downtrodden heart.


Meanwhile, some of my roommates show up randomly: Tim, Erica, and Elisa along with two other friends of theirs. They sit down at a table next to us.


She calls my current hair style “spooky”.

Me: “I like to think I have a spooky side to me.”

After paying our bill we retreat outside underneath the awning – the rain still lightly dripping overhead – smoking a clove. Some black dude nibbling on cheese puffs approaches and asks if that’s any of our bikes over there attached to the sign. Apparently mine was just lying on the ground unattached to the lock. I must’ve connected it improperly. Good thing he mentioned it.


We discuss sub-cultures and what each of us experimented with in high school and over the years.

Her: “I tried the indie thing for a while...”

Now she associates with the goth scene, apparent in her fashion sense. But it’s not extreme and exclusive.

Me: “Yeah in high school I was really into punk rock.”   


She possesses big bright eyes. I comment on them, “Man those eyes. It’s like they have their own solar system.”

Kristin: “Wait, do you really mean that?”

I giggle, “I mean, I’m being poetic. I do that sometimes.”


She raises the question, “Do you have any brothers or sisters?”

Of course I always answer no when people ask me this but have to explain that, “I used to.” And then go into the story of Dana who died when I was 8 years old. My sister was only 15. Kristin’s eyes get big and they stare with such sincerity and concern as I describe the details of my sister’s death...

“...All I saw when I walked into that room was purple. Her skin, her lips, everything was purple...”

The story is unbelievable to her as she’s never had to experience death in the family of that kind.

Her: “It sounds like a Bright Eyes song. It doesn’t seem real.”

Me: “Yeah it happened. It was quite an experience to go through. I mean I was just a kid. I didn’t know what death was. My mom told me Dana was gone. She’s gone. Gone? Like, I didn’t understand what that meant.”


Then, I describe the prayer circle that happened after the funeral where light seeped through the wall.

Me: “It was a powerful moment. Changed my life. And here I am. I turned out okay I guess.”


Me: “Death is important. We couldn’t value life without it.”

This is a spooky subject to end the night on but nonetheless this date/meeting was nice – a positive interaction – the kind that makes one feel better about life.

The rain stopped. On my bike I slosh through Hilltop back to my house.

One of Margot’s best friends, Monica, was there at Rick’s. I gestured a hi to her and told Margot that I ran into her. I should’ve only expected that Monica would inform Margot about it. Margot calls me on the phone with a territorial attitude...

Her: “Yeah she said you were there with some redhead. I was like, oh that’s just Darren. But she said it was a girl.”

I told Margot about Kristin a while ago even though there wasn’t much to tell. She’s a little irritated that I hung out with some strange girl she doesn’t know. But what can I do? How am I supposed to comfort her? She knows I still love her.

Me: “Don’t worry it’s not like she had me up against my car or anything.”

Of course I’m referring to the other night when I rolled up to Poon’s and some sleazebag had her pushed up against her car.

Her: “Are you still mad at me?”

Me: “Yes! I’m still mad at you.”

Earlier I quoted a text message from a blog entry of mine to Margot. It was something she said to me on Thursday March 15 2012, “Please don’t leave me again. I love you more than anything. I’m your kitty remember?”

She texts me back just now, “I still love you to pieces. And I’ll always be your kitty :)”

4 a.m. sleep.

[i] Heavenly Ambiance. Amerianna.

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