Thursday July 12 2012


☼ ○ ▬

A genius scientist with mad tendencies has discovered a new element that could change the world on some biblical level but he’s hiding a secret about it. He conducts these live TV shows from his home in this special glass encased room with futuristic furniture. I’ve taken on the role of his wife. My motive is to reveal his secret because I feel he’s selfishly holding back from talking about it, maybe to protect the people and prevent chaos erupting all across the world. But something tells me this information needs to get out. He leaves the room. I attempt to hack into the TV’s input settings and upload a video where he’s telling the truth about everything. I’m struggling but eventually get it playing, but only for a minute cause he returns angry and frantic.  

▬ ○ ☼

Waking up around 1 p.m.

Apricots. Figs. Orange Juice.

[Text message with Kristin]

Her: “Do me a favor. Do some thinking for the next couple days about me. And really figure out what you feel in your heart and mind and get back to me. I want to know whats up. And what path you’re trying to take. Ok. No cream puff bullshit. We are both adults. I think we need to be honest straight forward with each other. Face to face once and for all.”

Me: “once and for all? really? its not that dramatic. I haven’t once been dishonest with you about my feelings.”

Her: “You speak in metaphors and scenarios lets stop beating around the bush. I’m not asking for much.”

Me: “the direction of my path I’ve made clear. my life isn’t conducive to stabilize a dating relationship with you or anyone. we’ve talked about this. but I still hold you in an exclusive special place that we’ve created Kristin.”

Her: “You sure do give me some beautiful mixed signals in your actions. Let me make things clear. I like you. I have fun with you. I would date you. But you are not on the same page and I’m not kidding myself into the idea that we can be only friends.”

Me: “I like you too very much. and I think we have fun too. I would date you too. I’m just not in a place where I’m prepared for it nor feel like I can give it my all...which is what you deserve.”

Her: “So what do you want? Out of this? Out of me?”

Me: “I want to give you as much as I can give. we are really close and I don’t think we can stray from that. how am I supposed to categorize a non-dating relationship? there are degrees in everything. intimate friends that are lovers sometimes? I don’t know. it felt natural to engage with you like that last night. but I don’t require that from you either. like I said I didn’t plan on doing that.”

Her: “Mm. yeah. I really see that explanation of a connection you just gave ending in a disastrous mess. I’ve been there. And I don’t do well. But if that is what you want then I can’t change your mind.”

Me: “if I was ready for an exciting dating relationship with you I would know beyond a shadow of a doubt. but I know I’m not...not with anyone.”

Her: “Well that’s that then. Bam.”

Me: “this isn’t news. we’ve had this conversation before.”

Her: “I think, and I may be jumping the gun here, but it is safe to say we should cease this path. I think we should be free to see other people.”

Me: “I kind of thought that was already the case when you stopped talking with me and deleted me and ripped up my gift.”

Her: “That was a desperate act to make myself get over the inevitable truth. I like you too much to be just your friend bc I want to be your lover. I will be settling for something I will never have in full :( I am not one to impose. I respect your wants.”

Me: “I respect that kristin. this whole thing is tender and delicate.”

Her: “Yes, yes it is. I bruise easily but can def take a fall. So I’ll be ok. Ok so where do you want to go from here?”

Me: “I don’t know how to answer that.”


Me: “Kristin, please know that I feel your heart beating.”

Her: “I don’t think I can feel yours.”

Me: “trust me. it beats...sometimes rapidly.”

Her: “I don’t believe in wanting cake and eating it too. This isn’t a frivolous game of chess. This is my life. I take it seriously. I feel a little out of sorts and I’m confused. Maybe we can talk about this another time or just let it be for now. My heart is in my throat.”

Me: “I love your personality and your heart. this definitely isn’t a frivolous chess game. id like to see you another time soon.”

Her: “I can’t agree to that. I don’t know what the future holds.”

Chic Pea Avocado Quinoa with Tomatoes. Honey Oolong Tea.

House chores. A little makeshift landscaping.

Then, heading over to Devon’s house where her and Darren have planned a pool party/cookout. James Graves, Kevin, and Tara are also present.

Eating Kababs, Black Bean Salad, and Mac n Cheese.

Good times in the pool. Cannonballs, Belly flops, squirt guns, and chicken fights. 

Back home. The rest of the crew goes to Skybar at the oceanfront.

I’m trying to avoid an emotional dependency on someone.

Steamed Broccoli and Carrots with Rice. Coconut Water.

Watching Meet Joe Black (1998).

Darren, Devon, James, and Tara return from the oceanfront outing all drunked out. Tara slips into my room to sleep for a few hours because she has to work super early and of course is in no way coherent enough to drive. I take on the role of a caretaker, hydrating her with water and feeding her an apricot. We had sex once before so I didn’t feel opposed to the idea of it happening again. I ask, “Are you feeling horny?”

She replies, “Yeah. I am.”

I take over from there and fuel the sexual fire with friction between our bodies. It progresses into a lengthy sex scene that’s anything but lacking. I finish and we lie down out of breath.

Me: “Well that was fun...once again.”

She chuckles and agrees, “Yeah it was.”


Her: “Remember that question you asked me last time?”

Me: “What? I don’t remember.”

Her: “What do you want from me?”

Me: “Oh yeah. Right. I don’t know. I’m just following my instincts.”


She drifts off to sleep but I’m still awake. I watch a little bit of a movie and snack on Chocolate Chip Cookies.

It’s probably a good time to do some reflecting now. Tara is a different breed than I’m used to. She’s reserved but open to suggestion. I really can’t pin point what exactly it is that I want from her. It’s more likely that I’m just looking for a good time and someone to release sexual steam with. Things between her and I don’t happen because they need to but more so because they want to. Lest I forgot, which I haven’t, I was with Kristin last night and it was an intense scene as well. I definitely feel more connected and sense more of a potential with her that is if I was ready to settle down. This is a time of freedom and experimentation for me. I should come to terms with that and make sure to be honest with everyone involved when the topic arises.

Sleep 4 a.m.

[i] Robert McGinnis.

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