Saturday July 21 2012


☼ ○ ▬

I’m being held hostage in my bed by a man that simply hates me. He lives down the hall from me in this big house. There’s an understood history between us from when I was younger. He’s always lived in this house and ever since I was born he’s held an uncalled for animosity for my existence. The severity of his hateful actions have increased over time. He used to pick on me and make me feel stupid and second rate. Now he’s got me at knifepoint in bed. One of the knives is double bladed and resembles a big kitchen knife. I try to protect myself with my hands and keep pushing his knives away. But he’s persistent on destroying me. The scene kind of fades but continues in various scenarios. I’m stuck. Now I’m running along a pier on the side of the house. I’ve pushed him off the edge onto the ground below. I hop over his body. He’s still alive. I dive into the lake and swim at a stealth level to avoid being punctured by his flying knives.

▬ ○ ☼ ○ ▬

I wake up or at least I think I do. I see familiar objects from my bedroom. The fan blowing. The desk. The dresser. But I can’t move my body. I attempt opening my mouth but the muscles won’t budge. I can barely utter a noise from my throat. My eyes are open. I’m half awake half dreaming. The fear of my enemy still clouds my mind. I hear the ruffling of plastic bags behind me but I can’t turn around to look. I’m afraid to. Eventually I drift back into the dream and finish the scene.

▬ ○ ☼

Waking up a little disoriented at 11:10 a.m.

White Peaches. Figs. Orange Juice.

All day shift at China Wok.

Coconut Water.

Tuna Salad Sandwich with Tomato. Five Guys French Fries. Honey Green Tea.

[Text message]

Kristin: “You ok?”

Me: “I’m okay. are you ok?”

Kristin: “Yeah. I saw a side of you I haven’t seen last night. It was nice and comforting. It made me realize you are not as big of an ass as I thought. What brought that on?”

Me: “interesting. how did I portray the opposite of an asshole?”

Kristin: “I don’t know you were just very genuine and you got soft. Something I really appreciate. I felt good after our conversation despite the fact that things didn’t work out.”

Me: “I told you I’m very sentimental. and I can be very tender and soft. do you feel somewhat resolved?”

Kristin: “Yeah, it’s a shame. I do. I feel like I can move on and I have completed this. But it still sucks.”


Kristin: “When I went to the wave it was all men and they swarmed over me and tried to talk and dance with me and I was unenthused.”

Me: “I can envision that scene. you know...our story would make a great novel or movie...”

The storm hovers overhead and the rain pours at various volumes. I still don’t have AC so the windows are fogging up easily. Listening to 99.3 FM and letting the 1920’s spirit create the soundtrack to this dreary day. A song called “Moon River” chimes in and it pulls on my heartstrings...

Delivering an order to Corning court. The lady was pregnant this past year and finally had the baby.

Her: “I finally had her.”

Me: “I know I see! Congratulations. What’s her name?”

Her: “Lyric.”

Me: “Lyric as in L-Y-R-I-C?”

Her: “Yup.”

Me: “That is a cool name.”

Talking with Kristin on the phone here and there.

Me: “Don’t you think it’s kind of strange that anytime we have a conversation or see each other it’s raining and storming?”

The conversation is becoming stressful and so is the drive. I haven’t paid any mind to my low gas tank but it’s too late. The car starts sputtering and stalls on Birdneck road. I’m not but 200 feet from the gas station so I jump out and push the car myself. A man behind me offers a helping hand and together we succeed in pushing it up to the pump. Close call. I fill up and continue making deliveries like it never happened.


My interaction with Kristin ended abruptly and nothing feels good about the situation. We’ve been trying to establish a closure that feels comfortable.

Slurping down some Vegetable Lo Mein while I finish my last delivery of the day.

Fortune cookie says, “Happy news is on its way to you.”

Home finally. Enjoying a Pilsner and catching up on my thoughts and doing a few chores.

Earlier Tara requested if we could cuddle again soon. I agreed. She comes over a little after 12:30 a.m. While putting my clean clothes away we chat and catch up.


We watch Immortals (2011) together. It’s over an hour and a half of thrilling dreamy action packed visuals. Afterwards we sprawl out on the bed and cuddle...

Me: “This is what you came here to do.”

She giggles in response. Of course it progresses into something more. Sometimes the word cuddle can be interchangeable with the word sex. After all the mental stress I experienced today this is what I’m drawn to. I needed it despite how cheap it felt, even more so this time than the last two. I need to be honest with myself and go ahead and say I don’t feel attracted to her and the connection isn’t something phenomenal. That’s not to say there’s anything lacking with the sexual activity. In contrast she’s such a calm and low-key presence too, which is refreshing. But I should recognize it for what it is: lovemaking with somebody I don’t know. My affairs feel fractured as of late. I’m lost with an aimless drive.

Sleep sometime after 4 a.m.

[i] The Cosmos of Enlightened Vision. Penabranca.

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