Friday July 20 2012


☼ ○ ▬

Yesterday in waking life Anthony told me he ran into Raven in Hilltop. Apparently she was here for the day for a tattoo appointment. My dream continues as such with this setting. It’s yesterday. And somehow Raven is in my bedroom now visiting me. It feels awkward at first but I manage to break the ice...

Me: “I just want to lot of time has passed...and I’m okay. Everything’s okay.”

She has that blank smiley face just as I remember. I reach in for a hug and she leans into me without hesitation. It’s such a complete feeling hug. I allow a light clasp of my arms and then gradually squeeze. Everything is resolved in this moment. We let go but she gives the impression she wants more and leans her face into mine. We kiss. But our bottom lips are stuck together naturally from the lack of moistness. I make a joke about it. We pursue further. I realize my bedroom door is open and walk over to inspect. Anthony, Darren, and others catch me from the hallway. Cases for musical instruments are blocking the way for me to close the door. I kick them to the side enough to shut it. Then back to the passionate scene awaiting me. Inside I’m confused at why she’s being so seductive. Everything is so detailed. Her hair. Her stomach. Her skin. Her legs. Part of me knows I’m dreaming so I don’t ask questions. I reach under and pleasure her with my fingers. I’m experiencing such an ecstatic high and so is she.  

▬ ○ ☼

Waking up around 1 p.m.


Running some errands and picking up two pounds of shrimp and a fifth for Whiskey Rob. 

Grilled Cheese with Tomato on a Bagel. Potato Chip Trio. Pomegranate Cherry Ade.

Watching Rampart (2011).

I’ve been in such a tender state the past few days. I find myself missing substantially, not anyone in particular, just missing. I feel empty, emotionally and spiritually.

The sky cracks open to a torrential down pour of rain. Traffic is slow on the road as Hilltop floods.


At the storage unit rehearsing a few songs.

At College Park All Ages, which is merely a spacey room inside a church. No AC but the fans are whirling and the fresh rain smell permeating the air. Maybe about eleven people are here for the show. This girl Alicia just started booking through this place. A girl with an acoustic guitar under the moniker of Brighter Lights goes on first with some emo pop. Then I, Musicplayer, perform a set with my acoustic – some originals and some covers. It goes over well. I notice Kristin in the audience. I wasn’t expecting to see her but it’s a pleasant surprise. Sharing Cokes and Freeze Pops. Cat Be Damned perform last with their 90’s influenced Modest Mouse style songs.


Afterwards Kristin and I meet at the Waffle House that Becca and I usually meet at. It’s right down the street from the venue. I even invited Becca to join but she had work drama. Sitting down at the usual booth. Our friendly restaurant employees and The Professor nearby.

Ordering Scrambled Eggs with a Biscuit, a Waffle, and Coffee.

Most of Becca and I’s favorite Waffle House characters are here.


Kristin makes fun of me and my daily routine, “Here’s Robert. Robert’s like, Hey I work at China Wok and I just wanna let you know that I pretty much stay up till early in the morning every night and I won’t wake up on my days off till 2. That’s when my day starts but I have to wake up at 11 to be at work at 11:30. It’s really fricken early. Um, excuse me you sound like you’re still living my teenage high school dream.”  

I laugh hysterically in response. I show her the picture I just took.

Her: “I look horrified.”


We get into a discussion on image and the styles we choose to associate with in our dress...

Her: “I’ve always wanted to be able to dress a certain way to reflect who I am. I just never had the balls to just be who I wanted to be and dress how I wanted to be and now I do.”

Me: “And this is it.”

Her: “Yeah.”

Me: “What about me? How does the way I dress tell you about who I am?”

Her: “You look like you’re into an alternative image. You’re not buying into this mainstream like I have to be wearing what the GQ catalog tells me I need to wear to appeal to women. You’re very take me as I am like I’m not trying to impress you.”


Talking about my relational perspectives that were shaped from former relationships...

Her: “You had a lot of time to grow and you were in a really bad situation and part of me just thinks that you’re used to manipulation. You’re used to you being a puppet. I just think that you maybe are like brainwashed that like that’s how everybody’s gonna be.”

Me: “Yeah I need to get out of that mindset. I think maybe psychologically I might see it that way for sure.”

Her: “It’s sad.”

Me: “I think you’re right. I am used to that, somebody manipulating me.”


We get into a coolheaded version of our familiar conversation on the definition of the connection between each other.

Her: “I’m very frustrated with the fact that I can’t walk away that I’m having difficulty walking away.”

Me: “I’m sorry I’m making it difficult.”

Her: “My thing is this right now I just want to invest my emotions into you cause that’s what my heart feels led to do and I think I have to control that. I think I can’t do that because I would be cheating myself out of what my heart was gonna do and the only way to regain all my emotions so...and maybe I am old fashion. Maybe I’m all about finding that one person...”

Me: “Maybe you’re at that stage in your life.”  

Her: “I think it’s cheating myself and cheating who ever would come into my life that I continue to be friends with you cause that little piece that I gave to you was never a friend piece to begin with.”


Her: “I felt like on top of the world in the beginning.”


There’s a social conflict of interests.

Her: “I think you’re getting your fulfillment of people already and you don’t need a significant other to fulfill your human contact.”


An upsetting feeling starts to surge in her...

Her: “I feel soooo used. I’m like disposable to you. I’m like a balled up piece of paper and when you decide that you wanna take it out of the trash you just like unravel it and say, it’s time for Kristin time, and then you just close it back up and toss it back when you need alone time.”


Her: “I really want you to...kind of just like forget about me for a while. And I want you to go out and do what you want and I’m gonna do what I want. I just think if we’re meant to act on something in the future it’ll happen but it’ll happen for a reason. I just think for now its not meant to be. I just don’t think any type of relationship is appropriate to have with you right now.”

We migrate outside and she hops into the driver’s seat of her car. The door still open. I kneel down and reflect...

Me: “I’m sorry. I’m just sorry that you have to feel this way and that I’m the reason for it. I’m sorry that I am the way I am. I guess I shouldn’t apologize for being who I am but at the same time my decisions are causing some pain for you. I do think you are valuable and I do think you’re worth it. I just have a lot of things I need to figure out on my own. And I’m sorry for starting something that I couldn’t finish. I wasn’t thinking about that. I was just really excited.”

Her: “Why were you excited?”

Me: “I don’t know. I was just excited about you. You’re a deep person. It’s the kind of person that I want to be involved with cause I’m a deep person too. But I think I need to cool off. I do understand what’s going on and I understand what you’re feeling.”

Her: “I’m not gonna let it make me feel less desirable...less wanted...less valuable.”

Me: “Never. Never feel that way. Of course.”


Me: “I like you. I like your personality. You make me laugh a good way.”

Her: “Yeah well I do that. I make people laugh.”

Me: “And you’re sweet.”


Her: “If this is making you sad then why are you inflicting pain on yourself?”

Me: “Cause I feel like it’s something I have to do.”


I try to give a hug but she refuses and says one last thing...

Her: “All you have to do is tell me that I’m worth it and you wanna be with me and that you wanna be with me despite the fact that you need time to yourself and if I could find a way to work you into letting you have time to yourself but no you’re not ready for that so yeah, no contact. And probably most likely gonna reach a point where I’m just not attracted to you anymore. Those feelings are gonna fade away.”

Me: “Okay.”

She shuts the door and that’s it.

Back home.


The kids are getting LIVE in the house, but it’s nothing I can’t tolerate. I lay down the law by calling a curfew for 3 a.m. It works and I successfully kick everyone out.


Later, Elisa has a few friends sleeping over downstairs. Beverly Hills Cop 3 on the TV tower. I hang out for a little bit.

Sleep 4 a.m.

[i] All images by me.

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