Monday July 9 2012


Getting out of bed at 11:15 a.m.

Apricots. Figs. Orange Juice.

All day shift at China Wok.

It’s a tad bit cooler than yesterday, emphasis on the tad.

[Text message]

Margot: “How come you never want to hang out with me anymore?”

Me: “I’m sorry. I’ve been busy lately. but I guess that’s normal for me.”

Margot: “Yeah and I’m not worth you making time for anymore I guess.”

Me: “that’s not true. its not a question of worth. it’s a question of should.”


Me: “come visit me if you want. I’m working. its kind of slow.”

I take a pit stop at the house and make some Scrambled Eggs with Tomato. Then, to Five Guys for French Fries with Ketchup and Malt Vinegar. Sipping on Honey Oolong Tea.

Margot meets me there. It feels like more time has passed than it really has since I last saw her. The conversation is playful and friendly. There’s a slight hint of flirtatious behavior. It feels natural to jest.

Me: “So have you been sexually frustrated?”

Her: “No.”

I smile real big and ask, “Are you trying to have sex with me?”

Her: “What? Ew. No.”

She answers in this way because of the Pet Smart employees, just inches away from our table.


Outside in the parking lot, about to leave...

Me: “You need me to make you feel pretty. You need me for validation. I know.”

Her: “No. I can get that from other people.”

Me: “Yeah but I’m comfortable. You know me.”


Me: “You haven’t seen my car yet have you?”

Her: “Yeah I have. It’s purple...Barney purple. It’s a Barney mobile.”

Me: “No. It’s a Wonka machine.”

It’s a slow afternoon for Chinese food. An order here and there but mostly I just sit and read and tweak with things.

Watermelon. I haven’t had the opportunity to enjoy watermelon all summer. This is satisfying.

The jet noise is exceptionally obnoxious today. I imagine it might be normal for me to own a pair of those noise-canceling headphones that airport workers usually wear just for this purpose.

Twix Bar.

Off work and back home.

Hot and Sour Soup with Fried Noodles. Spring Rolls.

Fortune Cookie says, “Failing to plan is planning to fail.”

Enjoying some Peach Cobbler that Darren made and a Trader Joe’s Summer Ale downstairs. Richie and Kevin jamming on violin and guitar nearby. Small talk with Darren, Devon, and Tara at the card table.


Tara needs to charge her phone so I offer to take care of that up in my room. Chatting for a bit while I put my clean clothes away. Discussing the topic of the ideal age one should get married...

Me: “I feel anytime after 30 is good. I like the idea of not being enslaved in your 20’s...being autonomous and free for a while.”


Things get awkward when Margot starts to call me. I answer the phone. She’s upset with her friend who apparently just threw up in her car. She wants to come over. Obviously this is a bad time.

Tara: “I can go if you need me to.” 

Me: “Yeah this is awkward. I’m sorry.”

Tara doesn’t seem in any way offended and understands. We never planned to hang out anyway. But what am I to do? Margot claims she’s going to come over no matter what. Intertwining relations is a confusing and muddled thing.

As soon as Tara exits the house Margot walks up the stairs. She questions the girl she just passed on her way in here.

I assure her, “Oh that’s one of Devon’s friends.”


Me: “We’re separated and I want to stay that way. I know I saw you earlier today and I was being playful and flirty. But I thought about it afterwards and I can’t act like that around you.”

When I’m around her I feel attracted. And I’m concerned I won’t be able to control these desires. She makes clear she’s not here to make moves and won’t bombard me with anything of the like. I get that. She just wants a close friend to sleep next to and feel comfortable and help purge all the negative energy of the day with.


Her: “You’re the nicest person in the world...for dealing with me. I know I’m a handful.”


Lying down in the bed. We can’t help but kiss and hold on tight to each other. But I’m not allowed to go any further. I said earlier that it would be detrimental and she took that to heart. So I’m left unsatisfied but it’s probably for the better. I guess the strange part to think about is if Tara had stayed over I’m certain we would’ve had sex. But the person I’ve had a crazy love affair with for over 3 some odd years is here in my bed and I’m not having sex. I’m sensing the difference between biological needs and emotional needs.

[i] Excerpts from Adbusters Magazine.

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