Monday July 23 2012


☼ ○ ▬

Somehow I’ve conjured up a basketball game with Shawn Kemp, Shaquille O’Neal, Michael Jordan, Mugsey Bogues, and Charles Barkley as players. In a little foyer area of an apartment complex is a half court and hoop. We shoot around and I turn out to be a fair contender. Later in the night I brag to friends about what just happened.

▬ ○ ☼

Alarm goes off at 11:05 a.m.

Plums. Orange Juice.

All day shift at China Wok.

A slow afternoon for deliveries.

Scrambled Eggs with Tomato. Five Guys French Fries with Ketchup. Honey Green Tea.

Catching up on writing at the restaurant.

Coconut Water.

Pulling off the interstate onto Birdneck road. A minivan putts along next to me in the left lane. At first I speed up in order to beat the stoplight ahead but once I see it turn yellow there’s no use so I slow down and get behind the van. While waiting there at the light the minivan pulls up next to me. A funny man in the driver’s seat gets my attention and gives me the best advice I could ever ask for all day, “Let it happen, brother. Let it happen.” Not sure of what to say back I just laugh and nod my head.

“You know what I mean?” he asks.

I just keep chuckling without responding but in my head I’m screaming, YES! YES! YES! In retrospect it’s something I desperately need to learn on this job. I’m constantly looking for shortcuts and subtractions to save time. But I need to learn to relax and allow flow on the road. Thank you, funny man.

I pass Margot on Laskin road and felt inclined to text her. We’ve had a little bit of text correspondence this past week, but only minimal. Being alone of course heightens my drive towards the familiar. She calls me soon after and requests to tag along on my deliveries for a while.


Driving through a neighborhood, passing a U-haul. Two people mosey on out from behind the back door and attempt to cross the street but halt once I’m in sight.

Me: “See. Bam! Right when I’m passing them they decide to walk across the street. It’s so cosmic out on this road. I’m not even kidding, man. It’s so cosmic, like, I can predict every little event.”

Her: “You’re psychic.”

Me: “It’s not about being psychic it’s just I assume that the worst is going to happen and then it does.”


Me: “I’ve been fantasizing about you lately.”

Her: “You’re weird. It’s been a long dry spell for you?”

Me: “Not really. I’m just saying. You have sex with someone two thousand times it kind of sticks with you...But I don’t want to build up your ego too much so I’ll just say that when I do fantasize about you I just change the subject.”

Her: “Okay.”

Me: “And I do other activities instead.”

Her: “Like brush your teeth?”

Me: “No, like read Ralph Waldo Emerson.”



We pull up to China Wok. The deliveries are slow so we just sit in the car for a minute. She mentions how she’s sort of been seeing this guy for a few weeks now. I wasn’t prepared to hear that even though I expected it to be going on. I guess I should be grateful but I can’t fight my insides feeling sick. I hold it in and get irritated when she takes an interest in my personal life.

Me: “No. I don’t feel comfortable talking to you about that. You’re not involved in my life anymore.”

She takes offense and walks out. 


My body is shaking a little bit. How did she just come along and make me nervous again? I’m not hung up. I don’t see it like that cause I’m not reaching out and pouring my all into it. I would be dishonest with myself to say she never pops up in my thoughts. I believe it’s a form of rejection when you think of someone as free. Why is possession such a strong brick on the human’s back? Control. Control. Control. That’s what it is: a fight for control. Every human crisis involves a degree of control.

Swiss Milk Chocolate Bar with Hazelnuts.

I think I just need to have a good cry. It’s been a long time since that’s happened.

The majority of my tips were extremely mediocre today. Two dollars here. Two dollars there. Exact change. Keep the change. I experience a few infuriating moments towards the end of the shift that cause me to punch the passenger seat in anger.

Finally off work.

Broccoli and Snow Peas with Rice.

Fortune cookie says, “In the midst of a busy life, take some time to be a kid again.”

I open up Rosetta Stone and start up my Russian language course, which I haven’t done in at least a year. I’ve decided I’m going to complete this course over the next few months.


During my session I receive a call from Margot. She sounds like a mess over the phone. Apparently things went awry with this new guy in her life. It’s the same dull story where she moves too quickly. The guy pursues her incessantly and preaches sweet nothings in order to get what he wants. It’s given and then she’s left high and dry.

Her: “You’re probably the last person I should be calling about this.”

She relays the situation to me while crying. I’ll admit it’s kind of a strange position for me. But at the same time it makes sense. I’m the one that she knows will always care. It’s a bond that can always be trusted. To feel needed is something I need too. I listen and give her my opinion.

Me: “You’re in this because you let him in too quick. You need to set some boundaries if you want to avoid situations like this.”


While talking she requests that I come over. Why not? So I hop on my bike and I’m there in a jiff. I lie in the bed next to her, holding and caressing her body. I know her deepest darkest secret and that is to be alone. That’s why I’m here. I offer my presence and that’s all I can do. It’s hot and sticky underneath the sheets. Even with the fan blowing I’m still uncomfortable. But we manage to get to sleep early around 2 a.m. 

[i] Ruby James.

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