Sunday December 11 2011


Alarm goes off at 11:35 a.m. My eyes are longing for more rest.

Egg and Cheese Biscuit and Bo-Berry Biscuit from Bojangles. Orange Juice.

All day shift at China Wok.

Why do you make me so nervous?

Peanut Butter Bagel. Mango Green Tea.

While I’m driving around making deliveries my imagination takes its toll on my state of mind—composing stupid scenarios where I might make a fool of myself in a raging fit or take a stand on what’s mine—I even ponder investing in a fake gun that looks real to use in these situations. But it’s all good fun in this head of mine. However, this mental hecticness is at times overwhelming.

Salt n Vinegar Chips. Strawberry Yogurt.

Towards the end of the shift, an hour before I’m done, Margot shows up and we chat at the table. She’s texting on her phone off and on. I know she’s got a web of attention-giving-objectifying male friends on that thing, forever hollering at her. I know deep inside she enjoys the fact that men want her and idolize her. She has power over them...and sometimes I think she still has some power over me. For some reason, I’m on edge and unnerved. She makes me feel this way and I don’t know why. I guess it could all be from what happened last night and the dreadfully slow day at work, which allows my brain to wander and dwell on whatever’s close at hand.

Me: “I’m just uncomfortable and you make me nervous.”

Her: “What about me makes you nervous?”

Me: “Everything.”

Her: “Well, what?”

Me: “It’s pointless to psychoanalyze your behavior because it won’t make a difference. Nothing will change. YOU don’t change...I guess that’s kind of comforting though, to know someone will never change.”


Her: “You’re so heavy.”

Me: “I know. I can be heavy. I can be light, too.”

I try to look past those pretty beady eyes of hers cause that’s where the truth lies. I know behind it is a sweet-with-good-intention-yet-manipulative-girl seeking basic satisfaction and validity for her insufficient heart.

Back home.

Stretching and jumping around in the living room. Richie, Anthony, and Kevin take part in the heated football game on television. I feel much lighter than before now that I’m around good vibes—with friends and housemates. Just moving the limbs on my body helps too.


With Nicole and Darren in his room...

Tofu and Mixed Vegetables in Garlic Sauce with Rice.

Jupiter the cat is feisty tonight.

Sharing a Sam Adams.

Later, discussing the House Crisis of 2012. Anthony is leaving and so might Josiah. We’re rearranging the rooms and raising new standards. 1435: The New Generation coming soon.

Decompression in my room—drinking lots of water and soaking in music.

Watching Werner Herzog’s Cave of Forgotten Dreams (2010).

Sleep 4 a.m.

[i] Knitted Gun. Jeni Rodger.

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