Saturday December 10 2011


DREAM: My mission is to find this society of people that claim to be Iraqis—they live underground, literally, in these tunnel facilities. I’m supposed to join them and find my comrades. I hop down this ladder and start climbing, sometimes sliding carefully. The ladder is basically made of those plastic baby booths you would find in a restaurant. I’m passing other people waiting in line, hanging on for their turn to enter the underground. I reach the bottom and immediately start exploring...

Getting out of bed at 11:18 a.m.

Egg and Cheese Biscuit from Bojangles and Orange Juice.

All day shift at China Wok.

Busy. Busy. Busy.

Peanut Butter Bagel. Potato Chip Trio. Mango Green Tea. Pear.

The day is long—non-stop—no time to sit or think. But I’m not complaining because apparently it’s Tip-Your-Delivery-Driver-Generously-Day.

Ice Cream Cone.

Keep going...

While driving around I receive quite the text from Margot, “So how would you describe my vagina?”

Considering her and I haven’t had sex in a long time I found this to be very random and off topic. But I guess it’s not too off-basis for two exes who had a regular sex life for over 3 years.

My response: “a heavenly fantastical ravine with an ever flowing stream of the sweetest honey known to man.”

Apparently, vagina preferences and what guys thought of them were the topic of discussion with her girlfriends.

Tofu and Mixed Vegetables in Garlic Sauce with Rice.

Annnnnnnddddd...OFF! Finally. 11.5 hours at the wheel and I’m done.

Back home.

Settling down with Coffee and German Spice Cookies.

Watching Paid in Full (2002).

Thinking about the dead water in my life. I long for cleaner clearer fresh water.

Practicing piano. Yum.

Margot went out drinking with her girlfriends for a birthday and hit me up wanting to have a sleepover. I agreed. She shows up with a frisky and attractive attitude—to be expected after a night out. She undresses and adorns herself in the tie-dye she made me a long time ago. We tumble in the bed for a bit and kiss. She’s adamant about taking it to the next level. I could push myself to feel comfortable with it but I don’t. I can’t. I won’t.

Me: “I’m not ready for that...”


Her: “Get off me. I’m going to sleep.”

Offended, she twists around and closes her eyes.

Me: “I’m sorry...”

Is something wrong with me? Or have I just tied the physical and emotional together? I mean I did a long time ago when I decided I loved her. I’m protecting myself. I don’t want to get hurt again. I think this is the dead water I was identifying earlier. Give me fresh water...and not necessarily a new romantic idol. I’m talking about wholeness to replace the holeness.

Stephanie texts me, “I’m so happy and free right now. This must be what Marilyn Monroe was talking about.


She’s dead asleep in the bed while I relax with that gangster movie I started watching earlier.

Eventually I join her.


She emits those cute sleepy moans and groans and mutters weird statements like, “You’re my traffic penis” and “I want a burger!” and “You’re my escape penis.”

“Margot, what are you saying? I don’t think you know what you’re saying.”

“Yes I do!”

“No you don’t.”

After drinking, her nights are always fuzzy and I could definitely sense fuzziness. She rolls over and smacks her lips on mine. We make out and God does it feel good. Her beautiful backside is presented to me...

I warned her earlier: hypothetically speaking if we were to ever have sex again I would have to cover it up...for my own protection. Granted, I’ve been holding amazing restraint anyway but you should always take precautions...

So there we are...she slips off her panties and she’s touching me in such a way that I can’t help but surrender. All the signs are there encouraging more. I’m hesitant for a long while but then it hits me and I grab the condom and go for it. It was short lived but a wonderful sexual release nonetheless. She’s in such a blissful sleepy state. Not much fazed her. But then it hits her...

“Did we just have sex?”

She’s a little blindsided by what just happened and disappointed because it had been so long since we last hooked up—we were doing so well and she was okay with the abstinence as well as I. Also, the fact that I used a condom offended her, but she should’ve expected that. The next hour involves two attempts at leaving on her behalf and blurry reflections trying to make sense of this minor occurrence. Reason is lost and extremely hard to instill in her during this state of mind. It’s like trying to talk to a squirrel. But eventually squirrels get tired of searching for acorns...

“It’s not a big deal. Let’s just go to sleep.”

We settle in and snooze away the fuzzy night...

[i] Tanya Johnston.

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