Saturday December 17 2011


DREAM: I’m escorted into a big room—a few chairs set up in the center. I have a good feeling inside me, a spiritual warmness that’s familiar. A man, the music leader of a church, sits down and asks a question to me and the others before we start, “Is everyone okay if we pray and enter into?????”

We begin to sing hymns. I immediately find my place in harmony. The guy next to me drones on a bass tone of A and encourages me to do the same.

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Getting out of bed at 11:20 a.m.

Fruit and Nut Bar. Orange Juice.

All day shift at China Wok.

[Text message]

Margot: “I still love you. This blows. I miss being in your life. Even when we were hanging out again I realized you were doing so many things without me and I felt like I didn’t fit in your life anymore. And it sucks so much cause it’s true. I don’t fit. And I really just want to make Christmas cookies with you :(”

Me: “i feel that too. but we can still make christmas cookies ;)”

Spicy Chicken Sandwich with Waffle Fries and a Sweet Tea from Chic-fil-A.

Marbled Mocha Bread.

Soaking in the new tunes while I make deliveries.

My friend Jes from Durham is in town for the weekend. She drops by and joins me on a few deliveries.

Me: “Chinese food is a natural de-odorizer in my car.”

Jes: “Actually I think you mean odorizer.”

Me: “You’re right [Haha]”

Back home. With Darren and Devon in his room. Entertaining ourselves—browsing through lists online of ridiculous inventive products like glow in the dark toilet paper and water jet packs.

Tofu and Mixed Vegetables with Rice in Garlic Sauce.

Downstairs, at the card table sharing a few glasses of Red Wine and German Spice Cookies with Jes. Anthony, Kelley, James Graves, and Kevin walk in just in time to join in conversation—the concept of getting progress reports long past our school years. Kelley has a lisp caused from a tongue bite...

“Kelley you should always talk like that. It’s really cute.”

Margot’s at some grad party right now but wants to come over afterwards. She states in a text, “I wanna do things to you.”

Me: “okay ill get clean first.”


Showering and decompressing before her arrival...

She’s here in my room but tainted from a squabble at the party...upset about some dude disrespecting her by lifting up her dress then walking away. She’s heated and yelling about it. I try to calm her and put her in the bed. We share sweet lusty kisses and the momentum builds. Her dress. Unbuttoning one at a time straight down the middle. Touching her. So desirable. There’s an obvious mutual understanding that we’re going to have sex.

I pause, “Okay I’m gonna put something on.”

But’s over. She’s done with this now. She’s thoroughly offended once again...and lost her excitement. And so have juice is gone.

Me: “Really? I told you I would have to wear a condom.”

Her face is stern. I give up. It doesn’t turn me on when she’s turned off. She clothes herself and gathers her stuff to leave. And so begins a dramatic debate on how insulting this is to her.

Me: “Insulting? Are you fucking kidding me? Margot, you had sex with someone else unprotected. I have no choice. I’m not going to risk that. If anyone should be insulted it’s me! I’m sorry. If we’re going to have sex I’m going to wear a condom. It’s that simple.”

She’s so stubborn and self-focused. Full of twisted logic and redundant arguments. Trying to reason with her is like talking to a brick wall and convincing it it’s made of Jell-O.


Now she’s missing her key ring piece and struggling to find it in her purse. In frustration she dumps the contents all over the place and slams her watch down. The attention is diverted to this minor situation. I pitifully watch her crawl in search of the lost item. Upon discovery of her watch breaking in two, her expressive outburst would make you think it’s the end of the world. Hateful. Bitter. God, that vanity. How does a person become so materialistic? Something is terribly wrong with her temper. I attempt to help and make promises that this could be fixed. She’s doubtful. Escorting her to the bed where she curls up and cries for a bit. Offering tissues and comfort. She’s such a queen.

I caress her tense head, “You’re too beautiful to be this stressed.”


She warms up after a while. I guess it’s possible she actually realized that none of this mattered because we pick up right where we left off...

+ + + + + + + + + +

Our blockade of inhibitions has crumbled. The condom isn’t a nuisance anymore. As soon as my latex monster penetrates her hot and wet ravine, a switch goes off and she immediately enters into a cloud nine sexual frenzy. Emphatic. Pumping. Pounding. Pushing. That incredible fiery sensation comes back to me. Oh how I missed this...the sex... invigorating...making up for lost opportunities. She talks dirty and I like it. But this was only a recent development in the months leading up to our break-up and even after. Here we are, diving into pleasure together. One-on-one. We finish and lie down naked fully satisfied.


Watching an episode of How I Met Your Mother (2005) then falling asleep around 4:30 a.m.

[i] Original image by Andrew Richardson. Graphic by me.


Anonymous said...

Pathetic sex by pathetic people who use eachother. Weren't you guys just yelling at eaxhother yesterday. This is not healthy. Why don't you stop using a condom so you can get this enabler knocked-up and you can be in a soulless, loveless marriage rather than this on again/off again immature high school bullshit.

Newsflash: you use Margot as much as she uses you. You're a pretentious hipster wannabe, a hypocrite hiding behind superfluous post modern prose. You're life is not that interesting. In fact it's pretty pathetic. You're the same d-bag womanizer I remember you being.

Oh, and does Margot know you describe your sex life in your pathetic little blog? She may still be the little attention whore she was at 17, but I wouldn't want anyone putting inimate details of my on a public blog, you clueless shit.

James Robert Smith said...

Dear Miss Anonymous.

Firstly, and most importantly, let me make you aware that this is an account from Dec 17 of LAST YEAR, meaning this is not the current state of affairs. I feel your comment is a reaction with the present in mind.

Secondly, who are you to sit there and judge MY LIFE and who I am? (then again I do put my life out there in the public to be judged). So whatever. Scratch that.

However, I don't profess to be the constant victim. I've got blood on my hands too. I'm a creature of habit, a human being with insecurities and vices, just like anyone else. Demonize me all you want but if you were in my shoes you'd be as confused and lost as I was. You'd feel like you had no control. Yes, I should grow some balls and be stronger. Yes, I shouldn't tolerate bullshit. But we all do it in some way. Even you. We shouldn't but we sometimes do.

Yes I'm a hypocrite but I'm not hiding. And if it's not interesting to you then nobody's forcing you to read it. I don't write it to appease an audience. I just write...because I've decided it's important to know where I come from and to see how I progress or digress, whichever the case.

Anonymous said...

haters gon hate.