Thursday September 29 2011

DREAM: A painting propped up by my bedside. It’s a rendition of the Virgin Mary and baby Jesus but it’s fuzzy and dreary—solid colors with dark undertones. I continue staring…and suddenly it transforms…the faces changing—eyes caving in revealing an eerie skeletal look—sinister—unwelcoming—not pleasant. I reach my hand underneath the vision of Mary—her mouth nibbling my fingers—a vibratory sensation—uncomfortable but not as affected by the evil turn as I thought I’d be.

Waking up around 1:30 p.m.

Banana. Orange Juice.

Getting a bunch of groceries for Darren. Him and his sister Gillian are cooking together in the kitchen, making Chicken and Dumplings from scratch. Mmmm. A good lunch.

Show N Tell Revival is happening tonight. Getting to The Shed early with Anthony and Rachel to set up the PA system and organize the place.

Bug spray helps.

The Nerdlucks—Virginia Beach nerd swag hip hop core.

The Vaginasaurs—banging the drums, strutting a skirt and new age style blazer.

Poetry. Comedy. Acoustic guitar music. Performing “All I Want is You” by Barry Louis Polisar made famous from the movie Juno. Anthony blows the harmonica alongside me.

Pinball Locomotive does a performance. Anthony belching out his Wilco-style indie rock angst with Rusty on bass and Richie on electric. Feeling hype on the drums—improvising with them.

Another dude gets up to play a few songs on guitar. I’m by the PA box tweaking the sound…Margot approaches to say that she’s leaving…I offer a hug and try to be warm…she’s annoyed I didn’t speak to her much…and she’s eager to discuss this proposition she presented to me a few days ago that involved her and I being allowed to have sex for the time being because “we have needs”. I haven’t really given her a decision on it because I have my obvious concerns…but here I am standing there near the stage all the while someone is singing just 2 feet next to us…I notice her eyes begin to well up…one tear from each eye trickles down her cheeks falling perfectly in sync with each other’s path…

“Hey don’t be sad. I’m here.”

She exits with no words…

Amanda’s backyard worked out well to host a Show N Tell. It’s getting towards the end of the night…not many more performers. I hop on the microphone to play those robotic text messages—encouraging everyone to decipher them—a laugh riot.

“Robert’s Blog Live!”…sharing what might be considered too much information but relevant and with a comical tone. I exploit my life already on here so what’s the difference doing it on a microphone. I reassure the crowd…“I’ve ran into quite a few conflicts choosing to publicize my life…but there’s still the mystery you don’t know about…”

Josiah: “You look like a prophet or some shit.”

Back home—a supposed after party is taking place. Kevin strolls in with free Papa John’s pizza. I’ve got a DiGiorno in the oven. Josh takes it upon himself to cook a frozen box of food even though it clearly doesn’t belong to him. I reprimand him for overstepping his bounds and taking too many liberties in the house whenever he’s over here. In the end we’re all friends and he apologizes. There’s always been a misunderstanding in this house on how to properly identify people’s food in the fridge/freezer/pantry.

Later on in the night or rather very early morning I grab Anthony to give me a hand unloading equipment into the storage unit. As soon as he gets into the car I can sense he’s unsettled…about things with Kelley, his ex-girlfriend.

Him: “There’s a lack of discipline in this society! Whatever happened to discipline and accountability?”

The both of us simultaneously are dealing with the same situation: How to break off ties with our exes…

At the end of the day it’s a question of flesh…”

On the drive back he’s in the passenger seat on the phone with Kelley. Margot’s calling me also. What great cosmic timing.

I answer with a question instead of a hello, “Is it a question of hormones?”

Her: “What did you just ask me?”

I repeat.

Her: “Yeah?”

“She’s being really persistent tonight.”

In other words she coerces her way into coming over…and yes, I’m complying with her offer by allowing her over…

Kevin drunkenly hops into my bed. Margot joins him and they laugh. Anthony hobbles in…

Me: “Our lives, Anthony. Our lives.”

Anthony: “The Penis and Our Lives. An essay by Robert Smith!”

I kick everyone out except for you know who…

Me: “I don’t feel good right now. I’m a little overwhelmed…”

Her: “Sorry. I can leave…”

Me: “That’s not what I’m saying. Just…all the commotion…it’s a lot for one day. It’s too much. We just need to think about the repercussions…at the end of the day it’s just two people having sex…two people making love…doing what they know. But how many more times? When does it stop?”

Her: “When it’s done.”

Me: “So when you’re done with it?”

Her: “I’m so emotionally exhausted from dodging arrows tonight…”

She explains her bar situations where she had to deal with guys complimenting and barraging her with flirtatious behavior, and also running into the guy she slept with after the first time we broke up in February. She was capable of saying, “Hello how are you?” to him. I really just don’t want to hear this.

I sit down on the bed…she caresses my back with soft tender hands…

Me: “I think I’d be okay with being blind.”

Her: “Why?”

Me: “Because touch is enough.”

Her: “But then you couldn’t see my naked body.”

Me: “Yes I can…with my hands.”

After a heavy ecstasy session…she’s lying there naked while I stuff my belly with Muscadine Grapes…such a beauty.

I saunter downstairs to grab a bowl of cereal. Anthony grabs some for himself.

Me: “Anthony, don’t always follow my example.”

Him: “At the end of the day I want to look in the mirror and say, That’s an okay guy who’s making good decisions.”

At the end of the day

Sleep 4:30 a.m.

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