Wednesday August 31 2011

DREAM[S]: A hostel. Raven’s staying here for the night. And by chance, my dad is sleeping here too on the same night. Anthony and I meet up at the hostel looking for Raven. We find her room. Anthony jumps for the chair…“I got into Raven’s chair first!”…as if it were a competition to claim space in her room. I jump for the bed…“I got into Raven’s bed first!” Something one of the hostel workers said to me earlier is ringing in my head…“Watch out for the sarcophagus.” It’s understood that the beds in this hostel are identified as sarcophaguses….

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“It smells like the house is still on fire.” I wake up and confront Raven whose in the kitchen fixing something. It’s understood the house caught on fire last night. I check the living room and discover two identical rectangular shape cutouts in the back wall of the room. Who did this? Looking through the holes you can see attic formations—wood planks and pink fiberglass insulation. Something’s caught aflame on both sides. I grab the fire extinguisher and spray white watery foam shit everywhere I can. Fire is gone….Raven’s off to the bank or maybe to work. Back to sleep…

I wake up to find a brown basset hound with thick droopy ears squatting on the carpet to pee [it’s understood the dog belongs to Raven]. Kevin is standing there just watching. I’m confused as to why Kevin doesn’t stop the dog and take him outside.

“Kevin, you’re an idiot!”

In frustration I jump out of bed, attach a blue leash and drag the dog downstairs. Before we can make it out the door he defiantly reaches into the toilet in the guest bathroom to lap up some water.

“C’mon now. Let’s go outside.”

While opening the screen door I notice a break in the glass as if someone threw a rock at it, also the door has been tagged with writing of some kind. It looks like a math equation: KR + 7 = Loser. It’s assumed Margot did this to make a statement that I’m a loser for leaving her. Just as soon as the dog and I step outside I see Margot running in the distance down the sidewalk heading towards me. She kind of tumbles over a crack but doesn’t fall. She’s upset.

Her: “What are you doing?”

Without giving me a chance to answer she says, “Oh. Probably nothing.”…as if that’s supposed to make me feel bad. She immediately heads into the house I assume to investigate my room because she thinks someone else is here. Thinking to myself, Good thing Raven already left…………………………………..

It’s sometime after 11 a.m. and these dreams resonate in my head…

Snacking on a Pluot Plum………Raven’s here for the day. She has business in Virginia Beach and a work shift…[ellipses] [sharing space]. We hear a knock at the door. It’s obviously a female tapping. Nervous to answer the door but I do anyway. It’s Margot.

Her: “I need to talk to you.”

Me: “What? Wh—why are you here? I—”

Her: “Is there someone else in there?”

There’s a struggle at the door—she barges into my room. Maybe she sensed that someone else was present by the look on my face. But why would she just show up like this? She did text me earlier that she had something “semi-urgent” to talk about. But I didn’t find this out until now. So here she is, showing up at the wrong time—and it definitely looks bad.

Discovering Raven sitting on the bed she exclaims in a sarcastic tone, “Oh. You must be Raven. Nice to finally meet you…”

And despite the potential hostility she could have expressed she’s surprisingly polite, “Can you please go. I need to talk with my boyfriend.”

Boyfriend? Why did she say boyfriend? I’m enraged that Margot would just show up uninvited like this. But it’s not in the least bit unpredictable. Raven left. But there’s still plenty of an audience throughout the house to listen in on the raging episode that takes place.

Me: “Why are you here, Margot! You can’t just show up. We’re not supposed to be talking!”

I really don’t have the energy for this at all—in no way am I prepared to physically see her or communicate to her right now. I demand she leave my house but of course she refuses to listen. Then she demands explanations and after evading the first set of questions I find out the real reason she’s here.

Her: “What does all that mean at the end of your blog yesterday?”

Me: “Are you serious? This is ridiculous!”

The ambiguity of my words were enough to put her in a state of fear, a fear that I may have fallen for the fruit of another. I’m not comfortable talking about that with her and I don’t think it’s fair for her to be reading about my life and knowing this and that. Nor is it fair to me. I already explained to her a while ago that it was good to have another person there to help you through separation, not a rebound, but a friend, and that I have a person like that already. Raven has taken that role. And I don’t think anything would’ve changed without her support and edification and empathy and company.

Me: “Please leave! I can’t talk to you right now!”

She’s a rock. She’s a fighter, a passionate warrior that won’t take no for an answer. We stumble around. It’s frantic. There’s yelling. Because I know she won’t leave herself I make my own efforts to exit by getting into my car…she presses her hands on the back window, desperate to stop my vehicle from reversing. It doesn’t matter. I’m out of here. I roll down the window and apologize, feeling genuinely upset about this whole thing. I take off. On Laskin Road. Within a minute, she’s in her car trailing behind me—running red lights to keep up. I’m stuck. She’s not gonna stop. I take a right on Birdneck and veer into a neighborhood. Halt to a complete stop. I get out…

Me: “Stop following me!!!!”

I walk over to her driver’s side door and slam my hand into it out of frustration. It was one of those crazy frenetic scenes where anyone was capable of anything.

Me: “Margot! You have to stop following me! Stop this! You’re acting psycho!”

She’s in shambles, devastated at how angry I am and how lost she feels. A neighbor is by his mailbox collecting his mail. He walks over.

Neighbor: “I just want you guys to take this elsewhere.”

I apologize to the man…and then direct my attention to her…

“And now we’ve upset this guy. Margot, you have to stop following me. Please. I cannot talk to you like this. Just go!”

She finally darts off. “AHHHHH. Oh my gosh! This is the worst!

Raven had gone to Amanda’s place up the boulevard as a haven for the time being…I gotta go somewhere else. I can’t go home. Margot calls me. As soon as I pick up all I hear is intense heaving and the inability to breathe properly…

“Margot. Listen to me. Breathe. Please. Breathe. Just calm down. I’m here….”

My eyes are heavy. I feel her pain and tears sink straight through my ears and slice the middle of my heart.

“Listen to me. I’m sorry for acting like that. I got really angry…”

She calms down enough to talk. And we talk.

Afterwards, I just sit in the hot car in front of Amanda’s house feeling like someone just chopped off my Siamese twin (but it’s my own doing I know)—just an incredible feeling of sadness and loss—I can’t control my own tears. I’m overwhelmed with sorrow and brokenness. Raven and Amanda are sitting on the front porch. After a few minutes I join them…bumming a cigarette…taking in the fresh air…breathing…still on the point of breaking back into tears at any second. Describing the hectic episode that just happened….

I need to eat…like, now. At The Heritage with Raven. We seat ourselves outside on the concrete.

Eating a Hummus Sandwich with Lettuce, Tomato, and Glazed Onions. Vegan Pasta Salad. Ginger Berry Kombucha.

Things fresh in my mind—the both of us with unnerving feelings. It’s still a beautiful day and I’ve enjoyed my time, well spent and worthy of my personal attention.

The premonition of my dream[s] is somewhat accurate in predicting the events of the day—a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. It’s a very strange feeling to think my subconscious was preparing me for waking life. But that’s why dreams are so great.

I stop by Starbucks real quick for an Iced Coffee.

Hot Yoga session…Boy, did I need this…

As soon as I get out my boss calls me for some extra help at China Wok—taking a few deliveries and making some extra cash…

Dinner: Vegetable Lo Mein. Passion Fruit Wheat Ale.

Watching The Good Heart [2009].

Organizing newly obtained and given music…

Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

Let the music soak into my skin and cleanse my soul…

Sleep 4 a.m.

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