Friday September 2 2011

Getting out of bed at 11:14 a.m.

Pluot Plum. White Nectarine.

Non-stop deliveries as soon as I arrive at China Wok.

Kettle Cooked Potato Chips with Avocado. Lemonade.

I receive a string of 6 texts from Margot…

“I can’t stop thinking about how you like her. It makes me sick. It kills me that you’re already moving on in a way. Last night was so nice and it felt right being that close to you again and I can’t believe it won’t happen anymore with me but you and someone else :( How can you want someone else?!? Why?!? It’s tearing me apart. I can’t even fathom me with another guy and it’s insulting that you can. I’m so desperate for you and love you SO MUCH! I wish that was enough for you to believe me when I say things would be better if we gave it another round. All I want is my baby and for him to only want me. And I know you don’t want me, but someone else now. So I’ll try my hardest to leave you alone. But remember I love you, I will always love you and be willing to be with you again if you change your mind.”

Believe me, darling, being close to you like that achieves an insurmountable ecstasy. Our lovemaking is beautiful and without comparison. To fathom you with another guy is not easy. I know it’s not, from past experiences. This is more difficult than you think for me. “Nothing Better” by The Postal Service came on today and I cried. When listening, the male and female voices should be reversed of course. But it applies. In no way is this a complete account of what we would say to each other in song, but still appropriate. I love you. So much. I care. I care what is happening in your heart…and in mine. Separation from one another. I know every ounce of your being is crying out, NOOO!. I hear it ever so clearly. I hear your voice. I see your face. It’s weird our roles have switched once again. But I’m not turning back on my decision because I feel it is still the right path for me to take. I know you don’t think it is the right path for you, to be without me. We’re all we’ve known for so long. Remember what I said yesterday about “really experiencing the non-existence in each other’s lives”? I truly feel this is the route we need to take. I know it hurts. I know you can’t accept this. Trust me, I’m having my own hard time accepting. I just don’t know if I can ever see you in person and have any kind of restraint, like wanting to touch you or caress you or call you “baby”, you know all of the normal stuff between us. I can’t see you any other way. I told another friend this once before, “Your river is empty and dry but if you’re patient you will find you will be washed in with the rains of time.” Please know that I will never forget you. I will never forget our adventure………

Raven has clear unadulterated thoughts and insight. She has the eye of an eagle over all things delicate. She has this to say in regards to everything. It applies…

Things are going to be easy again. I promise. You deserve simple. Uncomplicated. Flow. It seems to be the type of life that attracts you and I don't just think, I KNOW that you're not able to obtain it and haven't been for a while.

Peanut Butter Sandwich. Banana. Strawberry Yogurt. Pomegranate Cherry Ade.

Next door to the restaurant I overhear a lady walk out of the Verizon store exclaiming, “Technology is a horrible thing!”

This day is non-stop—I don’t even think my car had time to relax for one minute—the orders keep coming and I keep going and going. At some point it feels like I hit a level of complete efficiency and speed. I’m quick. I’m fast. I’m the China Wok Man.

Dinner: Vegetable Lo Mein. Can of Name Tag lager.


Watching some documentary on garbage used for art and eating a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch…

I’m going to read and try to fall asleep early tonight—if I can push out all the madness going on outside my door.

Sleep 3:30 a.m.

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