Sunday September 25 2011

DREAM: I lie in bed…maybe I just woke up or maybe I’m about to fall asleep…she sits at my bedside…an unspoken tenderness…a rekindled understanding…normality…familiar melodies ringing in my head…on repeat.

Waking up at 12:07 p.m. I’m late for work but it’s slow anyway.

All day shift at China Wok.

Picking up a Peanut Butter Bagel at the house. Carmen enters the kitchen briefly and speaks to me in her soft mousy voice…

Carmen: “If I tell you something private will you put it in your blog?”

Me: “No.”

Carmen: “Can I hold you to that?”

Me: “No.”

Carmen: “Thank you for being honest.”

Salt n Vinegar Chips. Pomegranate Cherry Ade.

Grey rainy days, I implore thee to shower me with your precious dark goodness…

Sluggish business.

“Trying not to die is so taxing

You take a breath just to let it out again

Waking up is an exercise in trust

But you’re gonna find something to hold close

In the moonless night I wait for your ghost

Trying to live on is so taxing

Just stacking up all those failures and accidents

We’ve thrown away on a mountain of mistakes

I've watched in the dark and counted them all

In the moonless night I wait for your call

Oh, how we put the days away

We just danced beneath the sea of snakes

We can bury our heads in our rooms and our beds

We can bury our ways in these songs we have sung

And we can bury our limbs underneath all these hands

Until we see those days again”

Dark Chocolate Bar with Caramel and Black Sea Salt.

I like my job.

Finally off work…

Dinner: Tofu with Mixed Vegetables and Rice in Garlic Sauce.

Sitting around the card table with Darren and Anthony…engaging in guy talk…covering recent relational issues in my life. It’s comical listening to Darren, coming from the nihilistic cutthroat romance is dead perspective and then Anthony, coming from the x-ray goggles of a hopeless romantic but also trying to be sentimental perspective.

Darren’s so annoyed by the teenage poetry of it all, “I’m so angry with you two!!!!”

Anthony: “Stay grounded…It’s important to you because you’re a Cause man.”

Becca and James show up almost at the same time, then Kevin…completing the family. Anthony takes a good look in the kitchen at the commotion and asks me, “How much longer do you think you’ll be a part of this kind of family? When are you gonna be ready for a real family like with a wife and kid? Five years down the road is it still going to be like this?”

“I think so.”

Trying out some of Carmen’s Strawberry Shortcake…

There’s dancing shortly after… “It’s Friday I’m in Love” on the computer stereo…Becca cuts my hair…all the while more and more charismatic dancing via James and Anthony. Anthony resembles a typical member of a Pentecostal church, running around like a madman, shaking his legs, flailing his arms, his hair swinging every which a way, jostling everything in his path…

Me: “If there were chandeliers in this house he’d be swinging from them!”

Later, in my room…Margot calls. She’s upset because the angry voicemail I posted a few weeks ago of her in a rage and threatening my life was shown to her tonight by another friend she barely knows.

Her: “I don’t want to be in your blog anymore…I never did.”

The conflicts of publicizing my life make the experience of journaling difficult. Involuntarily involving others has been a hard line to cross. After almost two years of doing what I do she’s become used to it by now. But it still affects her and she doesn’t like people knowing about her problems and her sex life.

Her: “No one needs to know about my life.”

Me: “But you’ve been an important character in my story…”

We continue discussing…the advantages and disadvantages of the blog, for her personally. When we were dating it wasn’t actually such a problem for her. But now that we’re separated it’s different.

“Oh I read your texts. I’ll have to think about that.” I might touch on this another time.

Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

Sleep sometime after 4:30 a.m.

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