Saturday September 3 2011

DREAM: Escorting my dad around a campground—surreal—vast—ethereal. The trails are long and winding. The dorms. The cafeteria. The gym. The kids. It’s understood him and I were here before. When I was young he joined me on a camping trip with only boys. He can’t connect it for some reason.

“You don’t remember this place? We camped here a long time ago. It always rained too.”

Waking up just after 11 a.m.

Pluot Plum. White Nectarine.

All day shift at China Wok…

An email from her in response to mine…

Yes every part of me is saying NO for a reason. That reason is I LOVE YOU. Im so lucky I've found you. Why would I give you up so easily? Sad to say but it took you leaving for me to really appreciate you and what we have. I won't take you for granted again. I just want to be with you. Be your everything. I Love you so much it's poisoning me to keep it in and not express it to you. We have something special. You are my dream guy- well not in every aspect, but in everything that matters you are! You're caring, sensitive, loving, dependable, handsome, strong, talented, I could go on forever. I care for you too much, love you too much. That's probs why I can't let go or stay away. I wish I could. I wish there was something I could say to change your mind. I know at some point I'm going to have to let go, realize and accept you aren't coming back to me, and respect that decision by leaving you be. But that thought just kills me. And when you said about not being able to restrain yourself when you see me in person, it makes me scared to think that since you feel that way, you may not want to see me again. Cause as much as I feel the same way, the thought of never seeing you again depresses me to no end. I know you want to experience nonexistence and maybe that's ok for awhile. But a life without you in it...I'd rather be dead. I just don't know if I'll ever stop feeling the way I do for you. And no matter how much time passes, if I'll ever stop having the urge to kiss you or touch you. GOD Robert! This is just eating me up inside! I'm unsettled all the time. I've lost my appetite. I feel so rejected by you and your opinion is the only male opinion I care about. I don't know, I've blabbed on enough. You've heard my sob story again- it's the same thing. Sorry if I pester bur I just want to be with my baby again and have everything feel right. I love you so much forever.

Lunch: Spicy Chic-fil-A Sandwich with Waffle Fries and Dr. Pepper.

The Smashing Pumpkins on the stereo—oddly enough this puts me in an exceptional mood—feeling really good about life.

Sweet Tea.

An antique Lamborghini from circa 1976 shows up in the parking lot…

Figs. Figs. Figs. The greatest joy in life.

Dinner. Rush.

Earlier Emily stopped by to give me a sample of her vegan cupcakes. Thanks, sis. Delicious.

Off work. Back home. With James and Greg in the living room. Putting on The Farce of the Penguins for fun and deciding after 5 minutes into it that it’s stupid.

Dinner: Brown Rice with Egg. Baby Broccoli. Name Tag Lager.

1:11. One hour and eleven minutes. A conversation with Raven. Talks of road trips, missing, and family reconnection being a beautiful thing.

Early bedtime is happening. 2:30 a.m.

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