Sunday February 13 2011

It’s really hard to sleep for some reason. I’m really just relaxing my body and daydreaming rather than dreaming. In one of the daydreams I’m lying in a white coffin. It’s very soft and well adorned with nylon pillows. I realize where I am and have immediate thoughts of suffocation and claustrophobia. I open up the hatch to find they haven’t buried me just yet. I’m six feet in the ground but can see the night sky.

Around 11 a.m. she wakes up to go to the bathroom and get water. I watch her open the dresser drawer and take out my black Pop’s Body Shop shirt to wear. She’s sitting on her knees, her beautiful bare back taunting me. Returning to the bed I inform her. “I was watching you…When I was in high school there was a point I realized I wanted to capture every beautiful thing I could. You’re one of those beautiful things.”

Still thinking about last night and how nervous I was about her being at that dude Les’s place. I say to her, “Tell me that you love me and that nothing happened.” She pauses and then replies, “I love you…and nothing happened.” I then start asking her direct questions like, “Was there any physical contact at all?” and “Did you guys kiss?” Yes to all of the above. “Margot, are you serious?” I’m lying down on my left side facing the wall refusing to turn around. “I can’t believe this. You said nothing happened. You lied to me…You even texted me last night saying not to worry and that you loved me so much.” I knew she was hiding something. I sensed something more was going on. I could tell because anytime she was over there she would send me nice texts like “I love you. No trouble.” and “Hiiii <3”>What the fuck. Ever since we’ve been official I haven’t once done anything like that to hurt her. I mean we have our internal issues and I’ve had my share of hurting her but she’s not the kind to do something like this. She was supposed to be working on building up her trust in me and instead she breaks the trust I have in her. What am I to do? Now I feel vulnerable and now I’m the inferior one.

She’s so easily influenced by others, especially when a guy gives her attention. Now I know what baboons feel like. They straight out brawl over who gets the female. It’s all the same game. Everyone’s fighting to select the best possible mate, unconsciously looking for qualities in a mate that will give us the healthiest and strongest children. It’s in our biology to preserve the human race by having the most beneficial relationships we can.

“To know while we were having sex you were also attracted to someone else makes me feel disgusting.”

“I’m sorry. I know I hurt you…I don’t deserve you.” It’s funny because I used to feel like I didn’t deserve her.

“I know sometimes I surprise you but I’m also predictable. Well, surprise! I care about you. It’s true. You’re on the verge of losing me, Margot.”

I talk on for quite a while. There’s just no way I’m going to get sleep now. As much as I hate what she did and how disappointed in her I am, I’m shaking and I need her warm touch. I can’t push her away when she reaches over. I situate myself on my back and pretend I’m in that white coffin—arms crossed over my chest.

Eventually we sleep for a few hours until 4:30 p.m.

Work at China Wok.

Delivering an order on Durham. A bunch of little kids come to the door. Here’s a conversation with one of them:

Boy: “Are you from China?”

Me: “Yes, I’m from China.”

Boy: “Did you just come from China?”

Me: “Yes, I came all the way from China to deliver your food tonight.”

Boy: “Is China far?”

Me: “Yes, it’s very very far.”

Texting with her back and forth.

She thinks I would be better off without her, which I’ve considered in the past but will never accept in the sensitive state I’m in.

Margot: “I feel helpless and I care about you. I just wish I knew how to make it better. I just feel like you’d be better off without me in your life since I keep hurting you doing dumb things.”

Robert: “Stop doing dumb things please.”

Feeling sick to my stomach thinking about everything. Sad. Sad. Sad.

Lunch: Half a Tuna Salad Sandwich with Tomato. Salt n Vinegar Chips. Honey Green Tea.

Watching Gomorrah [2008].

Napping for an hour. She insisted on talking more about stuff. I have her come over and wake me up around 12:30 a.m. I continue to pry into the sudden shift in direction for her. She feels she is at a fork in the road. To be honest, it’s quite strange to hear it coming from her considering the past two years she was usually the one to act hysterical whenever we had talks like this. Something was sparked between her and this guy, and he’s sort of the catalyst for her having these thoughts of ending things with me. She reassures me that she still cares about me and that I mean a lot to her, and she’s just confused.

I get irritated at one point and march over to my computer chair, “Okay just go home.” I can’t take this kind of rejection so suddenly especially after she lied to me about it to begin with. Something she says to me sticks out in my mind for the rest of the night, “I’m tired of being fake to everyone.” What do you mean by that?

Newspaper route.

Snacking on Goldfish. Then eating Anne Gwish’s Vegan Oatmeal Blueberry Cookie with Coffee from 7-11.

Coast to Coast radio as usual. Dr. Len Horowitz discusses the powerful 528Hz frequency. “528 Hz is regarded as a universal frequency, able to promote DNA repair by many experts who have researched and experimented the healing aspects of sound and vibration.”

“528 is a simple number that is central to the ‘musical mathematical matrix of creation.’”

“We now know the love signal, 528 Hertz, is among the six core creative frequencies of the universe because math doesn’t lie, the geometry of physical reality universally reflects this music; these findings have been independently derived, peer reviewed, and empirically validated,” Dr. Horowitz says.

“Indeed, 528Hz is at the heart of everything. It is the energy driving universal prosperity; the bioenergy of health and longevity. It is the harmonic vibration of self-esteem or self-love that lifts your heart. When you are in it, you are in tune with your creative spirit, and everything just flows in perfect rhythm and rhyme.”

Also explained was the opposite of love frequency which is 741Hz, also known as the “Devil’s tone”, which is dissonant and found in most all mechanical and electronic devices, cell phones, cars, refrigerators, etc.,_PHI_%26_528.html

At one point they chime the 528 frequency over the radio using a tuning fork. Something beautiful happened shortly after I heard it. Thinking about the pain I’ve been feeling. Then I start thinking about God. I sense a presence suddenly surrounding my body—incredible chills shoot down my spine—I feel relieved—I feel in need—I feel my burden being lifted. I’m crying. My human condition is holding me back from such sweet surrender and peace.

Dinner: Polenta Provencale. Garlic Naan Bread.

Finishing Gomorrah.

Taking a walk around the block, smoking a Sampoerna cigarette. The sun is bright and actually feels right. The ravens are in the trees above me mocking my thoughts. I feel like I’m falling in love with her as she falls out.

Sleep through Valentine’s Day 10 a.m.

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