Saturday February 26 2011

DREAM: In a car with my mother and Jimmy, my stepfather. It’s the blue Oldsmobile station wagon I used to own back in the day. I think Jimmy is driving—mom in the passenger seat—I’m in the backseat. We’re exploring the hallways of an unfamiliar storage unit facility. I can kind of see underneath the doors. There’s a deer-like creature on the loose—being cautious and keeping ourselves safe. I keep finding silver keys that are broken in half—analyzing a few of them.

5:30 p.m. waking up.

Breakfast: An Orange Grapefruit. Orange Juice.

Work at China Wok.

I’ve got a fairly long delivery drive to make so I give Margot a call just to see what’s up. Not feeling very secure after she tells me so casually that she was at Les’s place last night watching a movie, with his roommates. Immediately, I feel sick to my stomach. She goes on to tell me she got queasy there from the Vicodin she’s been taking from the wisdom teeth surgery and had to go home. I’m really trying to be normal and just listen with a few yeahs here and there.

I’m getting close to my stop, “Hey, I have to go. Bye.”

I call back. She doesn’t understand why I had to hang up like that. “Margot, why do you think I’d feel comfortable with you hanging out with the guy you cheated on me with?”

I’m flustered and emotional—giving her the thousand word speech I give her quite often about how much this hurts and how much I love her and how I want her.

“I love you! Don’t you understand? I’m not afraid to be alone. I’ve done it before. I’m afraid of losing you.”

“Like, I kept checking my phone earlier in case you called or texted me. Even when I’m on the paper route, I’m hoping you’ll wake up in the night to text me or call. That’s how nervous and insecure I am right now. I’m so weak for you! You don’t know.”

She says she wants to tell me how much she misses me and cares about me, which she does, but feels telling me these things are detrimental. “Oh my gosh please tell me those things! I want to know what you’re feeling.”

Her: "I'm just confused."

Lunch: Grilled Cheese with Tomato. Salt n Vinegar Chips. Honey Green Tea.

Kenneth’s stuff is still everywhere. Trying to help him move it out of the house so we can fit people in here. He’s feeling my irritation. I told him a week ago about tonight but he waited until last minute.

Show N Tell Night—a very fulfilling and warm gathering.

Performing one of my newer songs on guitar, the peppier one of the two Valentine’s aftermath compositions.

A girl named Jessa is writing on the spot poetry on a blue napkin. I ask if I can write something in response to whatever she composes. She keeps reiterating that she hasn’t written in months. In the end there’s four pieces, two from her, two from me—presenting it on the microphone. Josh likes it so much he wants to put it up at the new Kerouac joint in Norfolk.

Filling the house with smells of fresh roasted garlic—keeping the vampires out. With Dustin and Brendan in the kitchen, all of us making our own meals. Rachel jokes about how it looks like we should have our own cooking show. “Yeah, we can teach people how to cook eggs and simple stuff like that.”

Eating some of Dustin’s Eggs, with Roasted Garlic Naan Bread, a Carrot stick, and bit of Lentil Soup.

In my room, Rachel is knocking on the door. I respond but nobody can ever hear me when I say, “Yes?” I can barely hear her. She steps inside. “You really really really sounded really far. You sounded far away, Robert.” She’s just sitting there on the floor. Telling her about my conversation with Margot. I always feel the need to console in her because she’s really good for things like this. Every insight she’s ever given me makes so much sense.

“She wants to see your reaction….”

Referring to the idea of Margot being involved with other people, “She wants to hear what it sounds like…especially to someone important like you.”

“Rachel, I just don’t see any other purpose for her in my life unless I’m with her.”

Rachel hugs are comforting, too.

Newspaper route.

Eating a Blueberry Muffin from 7-11.

Love me or lose me.

Eating Cinnamon Raisin Toast with Milk.

Counting quarters.

Popcorn and Fire in the Sky [1993].

Sleep 10 a.m.

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