Monday February 7 2011

6:30 p.m. crawling out of bed.

My nose is sick—not feeling well.

Breakfast: Cream of Wheat with Brown Sugar and Milk. Immune Defense.

Watching Right at Your Door [2006].


Organizing video footage.

Phone calls.

Talking to Wes, a piano teacher and friend from back in the day—might be teaching piano lessons again.

Talking with Emily about shooting some scenes for the film Ken and her are making here at the house during Show N Tell.

Lunch: Tuna Salad Sandwich with Lettuce and Tomato. Salt n Vinegar Chips. Honey Green Tea.

Trying to make plans with Margot over the phone for her to come spend the night. She tells me she already planned to go to this guy Les’s place to watch a movie first and then she would come over. “Are you kidding me?” I hang up. I don’t understand. After all we talked about last night. I don’t know why I’m so sensitive right now. I don’t like that she’s been spending time with this dude more than with me. I mean, I know I’m busy and it’s hard for me to make time for us, and I don’t expect her to wait around for me, and she should be able to have her own friends, but warming up to somebody new is dangerous in my mind, and I feel threatened. I try to ask her how she would feel if she was in my shoes, which I know she would feel rejected and upset just the same. At any rate, she agrees to just stop by there for few minutes and then see me.

Working on lyrics for a new song.

Margot finally shows up. She picks up a kids book I have lying on the bookshelf entitled Glitter Baby with a pony on the cover and discovers Serendipity, the pink dragon, printed on the back. She becomes giddy and nostalgic. I vaguely remember this character. She insists on showing me Youtube clips from the movie as I continue strumming on the guitar.

Her being here is nice but I’m still uneasy about things. It feels like I’m on the verge of losing her and, again, that scares me. She’s been a part of my life for about 2 years, but it feels like forever, and there’s been plenty of time to develop an almost indestructible connection. I’m in it with her emotionally. And the conflict is almost always related to my human fear of not having control. She gave me the responsibility of controlling her happiness, which is not a good thing because no one but yourself should control how happy you feel. Either way, she’s given this job to me, and when someone could potentially come along and snatch that job up I no longer have that role in her life and become useless in a relational sense. Man. I’m amazed at the lengths we go to in order to protect ourselves from pain or unhappiness. I might need more pain though.

We lie down side by side, entwined. She’s wearing the grey Curious George boxers I never use—allowing me to caress and rub her smooth warm legs. I’ve always been fascinated with her body—the grooves, the curves, the color, the design—I’ve watched it move in so many different ways. Each outfit she wears reveals it to me in a new way every time.

Dinner: Rice with Kidney Beans, Mushrooms, Onions, and Mixed Vegetables. Garlic Naan Bread.

Newspaper route.

It’s become a ritual to listen to Coast to Coast radio as I deliver the papers. William Henry, an expert in wormhole and star gate metaphysics, inspires apocalyptic thoughts. A lot of this discussion is facts jumbled into speculation, and theories explained in a way that makes complete sense. Interesting nonetheless.

“Jesus is this glowing and radiant being beaming energy to this figure…How much more fun would Sunday School have been if they taught us that we could all actually beam energy to one another ourselves…We’re in church to learn how to become a Christ-like being…I’ve been investigating the crucifixion of Jesus as a gateway event, as a star gate event, as an event in which he transformed himself into a being of light and opened a portal into another realm. He has reached deep inside of himself and revealed himself as this extraordinary being of light. All of us have this capability to achieve this transformation…the true nature of the crucifixion where Jesus is demonstrating this next level ability to transform into light. The phrase, ‘I am the way, the truth, and the light. No one comes to the father except by me,’ takes on new meaning if we think of Jesus as instructing us in how to get to the next level, to transform ourselves into light beings and open a gateway into another realm. No one comes to the father except through this portal of Christ-Consciousness.”

In the grand scope of things, I sometimes question why I put so much energy into the emotions in conjunction with romance and relationships. I’m 26 years old and still not married. Sometimes I wonder if I ever will be. I feel like I have to choose between dedicating my life to another person or dedicating my life to furthering myself as a human, musician, and light being. Maybe I can do both. Maybe I can’t. I have so many thoughts on this. In the meantime, I’m trapped in the distraction that is modern society and American culture, which I love and can find my place in, but I don’t know how much more my soul can bear before I implode and give up.

Eating Goldfish with Oolong Tea.

I wake her up slowly around 9 a.m. Instigating a quickie.

She gives me a ride back home after I drop off my car at the shop.

Sleep sometime after 10:15 a.m.

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