Monday February 14 2011

Breakfast: Grapefruit Orange.


Looking for new roommates.

I can’t not think of her—nervousness—lovesick. Need.

Don’t feel like eating much today. Just sticking to water.

Playing guitar and waiting for her to get off work.

At her place. Sitting on the bed and having a dramatic conversation. I’m desperate. I’m hurt. I feel rejected.

Me: “You let some guy that you barely know destroy everything that we have.”

Her: “Sometimes I think I want to feel more or less than I do and like I think why it seems like it’s coming out of the blue is because I was hanging out with this guy and I was trying not to like him but really I did.”

Me: “That was cruel. This is the worst thing you can do to somebody. You’re not just rejecting me. You're rejecting me because of someone. You two-timed me.” [You’re supposed to mutually conclude a relationship with a person before you dabble in another one.]

Her: “It’s not like I’m leaving you for him. He’s not even here right now.”

Me: “I’m hurt right now. I’m hurt. You’ve destroyed me…….You’re the one that used to flip out every time I mentioned breaking up. You’d cry your eyes out over it. Now all of a sudden you’re the strong one…….You’re the one that pursued me. You wanted me so much. And I let you because I liked it. And now I’m here saying ‘yes’, I want you too.’ And now you’re not even there with me. You left it. Everything you desired you just threw it away.”

Her: “I’m not throwing you away for him specifically. I realized the type of things I could be doing.”

Me: “You’ve been a part of my world for such a long time. You don’t know what you’re doing. I need to be with you, Margot. I need you….I can’t do this. You mean a lot to me.”

Her: “I know. You mean a lot to me too and I know you don’t believe that but you do.”

Me: “I believe it. It just doesn’t feel like it. You’re giving up what we had. You’re tossing me aside because you don’t want to be with me anymore.”

Her: “I don’t think you want to be with me either.”

Me: “You don’t think I want to be with y—”

Her: “I don’t think we make sense.”
It’s funny. How many times I personally thought the same thing and brought this up to her.

Me: “Yeah sure we’ve had our arguments. And you’ve flipped out over dumb stuff…I move past all that because I loved you. I had a lot of patience with you. I gave you so much patience you don’t even know. I cannot stand you with somebody else. You don’t know how much that hurts me……..So what are going to do now? You want to just be single and have a good time?”

Her: “Well, I think I need to do that because obviously like what happened the other night was…”

Me: “Oh you realized how much fun you could be having with other guys. Now you want to start fucking around with people and living the single life.”

Her: “I don’t want to fuck around with people.”

Me: “Then what do you want to do? Why were you with me this whole time? You wanted to be in a relationship right?”

Her: “Yes I wanted to be in a relationship with you.”

Me: “And I’m giving you that. And now you’re saying you don’t want that.”

Her: “Robert, we’ve been together officially for a while and I don’t feel like it’s…”

Me: “We’ve had amazing moments though! Of course we’ve had our times. When you’ve known somebody for two and half years, of course there’s going to be some problems. I expect that……You don’t understand I can’t go on without you. I can’t do it……Every day I feel like I’m falling more in love with you. As time goes by and we’re together we just become tightly knit and connected. And then all of sudden we’re just broken apart………..I’m so nervous right now…..Remember when I told that if we ever broke up how hard that would be for me? You are everywhere. You’re all over the place. It’s ridiculous I can’t even look at a Facebook message without Facebook showing photos of you and me together or you and somebody else. I see you everywhere. Every time I see Hello Kitty I think of you. I have music that’s from you. All these things and places. Like you’re in my room all the time. You’ve made a home in my life and now you want to move out.”

My eyes are watery and I drop into her arms like a baby, “I just want you.” Heavy breathing. Heavy atmosphere. Heavy hearts. I can see she’s as sad as I am. Holding each other. I mutter in a soft voice, “Don’t throw me away please.” She responds genuinely, “I’m not trying to….throw you away.” She thinks she’s holding me back from being productive in my life, which I always thought was the case, but in this moment it’s not what I want to believe. “You’re a part of me. We’re a part of each other. I don’t understand. We’re so close to each other.”

I find this whole scene with her ironic because this is one of the only times her and I switch roles. I always had the cool head on me shoulders, the smart and logical one that singled out the problems and encouraged her to see that this wasn’t working and suggest taking a break or ending things. And now, she takes that role and I’m the baby who feels desperate and abandoned, crying, on my knees begging for my life.

Sharing more tears—touching.

Me: “I really love you.”

Her: “I love you too…….I feel really bad about cheating on you. But I think I feel more bad about the fact that I actually like this guy.”

Me: “I can’t do it.”

Her: “I don’t understand why you keep saying that. Of course you can.”

Me: “No.”

Her: “Yes you will.”

Me: “I can’t imagine surviving this right now. I can’t. You with somebody else is not going to happen because I can’t take that.”

Her: “I’m not with someone else.”

Me: “I know. I understand that. But you’re going to be.”

Her: “Eventually….and so are you.”

Me: “No. Not right now. I’m with you, Margot. You’re in my head. You’re in my heart. It’s you! I’m with you!”

Her: “I just feel really unsure about everything. I don’t want to be half with you.”

Me: “You don’t have to be. You can be full with me. You have to make that decision.”

Her: “I also think you’re just not the type of person that can give me everything and that’s fine. You have been what I needed for the whole time we were together. You’re my first boyfriend. I learned from you what I really want and don’t like. [whisper] You’re always gonna be special.”

Me: “What is being fake? Why do you feel like you’re being fake?”

Her: “I feel like I’m trying to be a person that I’m not to make it fit with you better.”

Me: “You’re trying to be somebody else in order to be with me? Why do you have to do that?”

Her: “Robert, you have changed. I’ve told you this. You’re not as fun as you used to be. You used to go out and do things and it was awesome. It was exciting. I still want to do things. I want to go out and have fun and socialize……I feel like I could be happier in a relationship with someone else without having to try as hard.”

I’ve felt the exact same thing that she’s saying. I feel I’ve been stifling her from having a good time and experiencing her 21dom so to speak. I mean, I had the chance to do that. And now I’m at a different stage in life. I’ll admit it’s a boring stage to share with another person.

Her: “Robert, you’re not a bad boyfriend. You just aren’t the best one for me…..I really don’t think you should be in a relationship right now either.”

Me: “But you’re so close to me, Margot. You’re so close. And I don’t know how to let you go. I’m not ready for this. I can’t do this. I need you.”

Yeah, this goes on forever. She keeps saying she’s sorry. And I know she is. My voice cracking as I pronounce statements of anguish and grief. I feel like I’m falling apart into a million pieces. I really amaze myself at how emotional I am when things are in jeopardy.

Eventually things lighten up. I made her two mix CD’s entitled Margot Valenzuelantine. I thought it was clever considering more than half of her last name is Valentine. She shows appreciation for it and tells me she’s excited to listen to it.

I suggest we try to finish the movie we started last week called The Good Night [2007].

Lounging in the den watching the movie—snacking on popcorn and drinking white wine. We order Chanello’s. After the pizza arrives we pause the movie. More conversation strikes up again. Both of us a little tipsy now.

She says something to me that really hits me hard….“I feel like if you put the moves on me I could say no. It’s just the principle of it like if you tried anything I could fight you and if Les was here I wouldn’t………I have a larger crush on him than I thought, whatever, or had. Even if nothing happens with him it’s just the fact right now that is what it is and…”

Me: “That’s fucked up, Margot. That is so fucked up that you liked somebody else more than me while we’re dating. And that is the catalyst to the end of our relationship because you developed a larger crush on somebody else when you loved me. You told me you fucking loved me!”

Her: “I do love you…..I just don’t think it’s the best thing anymore. You mean a lot to me and I’m enjoying being with you right now. I am.”

Me: “You saying that you would reject me over him makes me feel horrible. It makes me feel like trash. It took two weeks to let somebody else get into your heart and mind and destroy everything we had………It’s fucking Valentine’s Day!…..A crush is fleeting. When you love somebody it does not go away. It’s not going to go away between us.”

Her: “I will always love you.”

Me: “I love you. I’ve been with you. I know you. I know how to take care of you. I know how you are. I know you so well and you know me. I feel like I’m no use to you anymore.”

Her: “Look sorry I’m attracted to some guy but he’s very impressive.”

Me: “What makes him so fucking impressive compared to me?”

Her: “He’s not you. He’s different than you. He has a normal job. He sleeps normal hours. He…”

Me: “So I’m a fucking weirdo to you. You don’t like me because I don’t sleep at night. I thought you loved me despite anything. You said that to me, that despite our little issues you still loved you.”

Her: “I think I’m just ready for something new.”

Her: “I don’t feel good about this…..

….. [she reaches over to me and nuzzles her face on my cheek]

Look at me.”

Me: “I can’t look at you. I feel like I’m going to melt if I look at you……You prefer somebody else over me and that’s why I’m sad.”

Her: “Oh god. [breath] Please say something mean to me please.”

Me: “I can’t….You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever met.”

Her: “Wrong answer.”

Me: “But it’s true.”

More sniffling and crying.

Me: “You told me to say something mean to you. That’s the meanest thing I could say.”

Her: “That’s not mean. [whimper]………..This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.”

We entwine our bodies together. As much as I feel like this is charity coming from her, I’ll take what I can get. But she’s being real with me—kissing and comforting me—loving me—loving her.

I point out the similarities of the character’s situations in the movie and how they’re relevant to us.

Discussing the sexual part of our relationship.

Me: “It’s the gift that we’ve been given as humans to experience that oneness with somebody. That’s why this hurts so much. Cause I’ve been one with you. And you let somebody invade our space.”

Her: “He didn’t invade me that way…………I want to experience other relationships.”

Me: “I am not prepared to see you with somebody else.”

Lying down side by side covering our backs with our arms and squeezing tight—exchanging more kisses. There’s a beautiful moment of pleasure shared that I produce in her. It makes me feel good, like I can please her still. She’s getting sleepy. Before I leave, I remind her how she would feel if I told her there was someone else, or even if I got involved with another girl soon. She tells me she would have the same reaction. I kiss her on the forehead and walk out.

Newspaper route.

Eating two slices of Pizza with a Naked Smoothie form 7-11.

Listening to the interesting discussion on Coast to Coast radio about UFOs and the moon conspiracies. Engaging myself with something other than what’s hurting me right now.

Back home, replaying our conversation from my digital recorder—looking for clues and hints to help me better understand things. I’m just so sad right now. And it’s as simple as that. God, I love her so much. You know, it's funny, I even asked for this a while ago. I even prayed for this. I knew the only way things would change is if she hurt me. And here I am getting what I knew was coming and hating it. I just need endurance.

Finishing the bottle of wine like a hopeless and lost romantic.

Sleep sometime after 10:15 a.m.

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