Monday February 21 2011

DREAM: On the patio of some house with Margot. I watch a spider the size of a baseball crawl along the wall. His outer body resembles a green and gold marble design earring. “Margot, look! It looks just like one of the earrings that you’re wearing.” She pokes her head down to get a closer look. I notice she’s wearing something similar on her ears but in a different color. I ask her to take off one of her earrings so I can take a picture of the spider next to it. She’s acting kind of stubborn because there’s something else of interest to her. “Hurry! I want to do it before the spider gets away.” I keep an eye on the creepy crawly as it maneuvers up the wall.

Taken from

“To see a spider in your dream, indicates that you are feeling like an outsider in some situation. Or perhaps you want to keep your distance and stay away from an alluring and tempting situation. The spider is also symbolic of feminine power… Spiders are also a symbol of creativity due to the intricate webs they spin. On a negative note, spiders may indicate a feeling of being entangled or trapped in a sticky or clingy relationship.�It represents some ensnaring and controlling force. You feel that someone or some situation is sucking the life right out of you. To see a spider climbing up a wall in your dream, denotes that your desires will soon be realized.”

Sometime around 6 p.m. I wake up.

Breakfast: English Muffin with Peanut Butter. Orange Juice. Zinc, Vitamin D.

Skype meeting with Chris—reviewing the Tokyo DVD—giving him feedback on the current edit.

Oh! It’s Anna. Just as I’m about to sign off Skype I see my friend Anna from Russia just got on. Talking with her for a little bit. She’s been in China for 6 months. Kate is with her. I have fond memories with both of them from two summers ago.

Anna: “Its difficult to speak about China in English. China is a contrast. Many beautiful places, mountains, nature. But the level of life is different from European life…Something I learned from here is a person who doesn’t have time he doesn’t have life at all. It’s impossible to not have time. You’re given it by nature. That why you have time for everything you want. You just need to know what you really want.”

At Margot’s place. Sitting on the couch—Family Guy on the TV but on mute. She’s getting her wisdom teeth pulled out Wednesday, and she’s really nervous about it.

Still finding the need to inquire about her feelings and why all this happened the way it did.

Me: “How did you switch like that? This is what hurts me the most.”

Her: “I don’t feel like I switched…….Yeah I guess I am having an easier time with this than you.”

Me: “That’s what I don’t get. You’ve never had an easy time with this.” You’ve broke down before over the idea of the end.

Her: “Maybe I’m just not thinking about it…I’m avoiding things.” Maybe that’s my problem. I’m thinking about it way too much.

Me: “You were more important to me than you realized. Maybe even more than I realized.”

Her: “I see you as more than a friend still, Robert. But I’m trying to separate what you are now from what you were.”

Me: “I’m sorry but I don’t know how to do that. And I don’t know how you do……..That makes me sad that we’re just a history now.”

Her: “We’re not just history. You’re only history if I never see you again. I’m not gonna never see you again right?”

Me: “Right. You’ll see me. But you not being the same person to me is really hard.”

I know I’m a downer. She suggests we go see The Rite with Anthony Hopkins at AMC. So we go.

In the theater—holding hands—she’s being sweet with me and I to her—snacking on popcorn. The electromagnetic lovesickness is heavy, even when I’m with her. However it does help to be physically close and feel her touch. It’s like I’m in high school again having one of those awkward crushes.

The movie doesn’t raise any questions for me but it is an entertaining exorcism flick.

On the way back to her house—she’s driving. I’m still talking about things.

Me: “You’re a good girl. You’ve got a lot of passion in you. You’ve got a lot to offer someone.”

In her neighborhood, we spot a red fox in someone’s yard.

Her: “That was perfect.”

Then, a raccoon that seems to be limping appears a few blocks up.

Her: “Aww. That’s sad.”

Recalling a time last year when I spotted both a raccoon and a fox within minutes of each other (Ref: Tuesday April 13 2010). This time it all makes sense on quite a few levels—it’s symbolic.

▀Fox: Intelligence, Feminine Magic, Feminine Courage.

▄Raccoon: Cleverness, Mental Skill, Curiosity, Inquisitiveness.

Margot is the fox and I am the raccoon. Even as clever as I am, my curiosity in her feminine magic caused an injury and now I’m limping. Aww. That’s sad.

Sitting on the couch in the den.

Me: “Gosh, I hope you come back to me. Who knows, maybe down the road…” Oh yeah, Robert. That’s what everyone says when they want to hold on to an inkling of hope, maybe down the road…

Me: “I’m aware of the benefits of this ending. I know we’ll both benefit.”

Me: “Do you know how many times we had sex? I don’t think we can count. We had such beautiful times together. They were so amazing to me. You’re so good. You were the best lover I ever had.” I look down at her legs, caressing and squeezing my hand lightly over their richness. I whisper, “I want this.” Then I raise my head to her face and grapple my hand over her shoulder, “I want this.”

Me: “Don’t worry. Don’t worry. I’ve already told you I’m not going to pine over you. I’m just not gonna forget about you. I’m gonna put you in a little corner of my heart………My arms will always be open to you.” I spread my arms out and say, “This is how I want you to think of me.”

Walking up her gravel driveway to leave—getting into my car. As soon as I turn on the ignition, the clock displays 1:11. How appropriate, a sign that I’m on the right track.

Eating a Grilled Cheese with Tomato.

Newspaper route.

Talking to myself in the car—just a little pep talk, “Cheer up, Robert! We both know that I need my time alone. Now we don’t have to worry about giving my time to somebody else. It’s going to be good.”

It’s funny, I always thought you would hate me forever if I broke up with you. Ironically, I’m on the other end, and as much as I’m trying to, I can’t hate you. I’m still trying to recollect the negative pieces to our relationship to help remind me what I won’t be missing. But on the other hand you gave me so much to be nostalgic about. Your sweetness will remain.

Snacking on Salt n Vinegar Chips and a Pear.

Coast to Coast on the radio—they’re having heavy talks about Doomsday/The End Times/2012. Nothing like a reminder that we’re in apocalyptic times to distract me from dwelling on my pain from one single person in my life. It seems insignificant compared to the bigger picture, compared to the drastic changes going on around us. Then again, maybe that’s the reason something so insignificant is so important to me, for the reason that we all need to continue on enjoying life’s gifts. The end times will only help me learn to appreciate the things that make life beautiful and worth it. I want to be with you at the end of the world, baby.

As much as I believe this earth is on the brink of something catastrophic, I’m coming to an understanding that my role in this world isn’t so much to remind people of the inevitable but to encourage the celebration of life.

Back home, eating Polenta Provencale with Mixed Vegetables and Egg. Jalapeno Cheddar Cheese Bread.

Finishing Murder in the First [1995].

Finishing lyrics to a new piano song.

Sleep 10:30 a.m.

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