Monday July 12 2010

1:34 p.m. I wake up to Jamil knocking on my door. The ladies are here to buy a camera from me.

House chores.

Art is confused on why I’m up so early.

I decide to treat myself to Sonic for breakfast.

Sitting there in one of the stalls, feeling sick to my stomach. But I order an Egg and Cheese Burrito anyway, with an Orange Juice easy on the ice.

Sending texts to her, “congratulations. you’ve succeeded in making me feel the way you’ve felt before when I’ve hurt you. now I know what its like.” “ugh I feel so sick right now. I truly thought I could handle you with somebody else. im literally crying right now.”

The carhop comes back to check up on me. She’s pretty. “How’s everything going?” My sunglasses still on, I stare at her smile just for a second and lie to her by saying, “Everything’s fine. Thanks.” Watching her skate back inside – thinking to myself, I need to fall in love with somebody else.

My mind still dwelling on last night’s talks. It still hurts me. I haven’t felt this lovesick since high school. This was her way out – out of this and away from me. She found someone to distract her from my inconsistency. I really thought I was stronger than this. I thought I was a tin man without a heart and I only needed someone to oil me every once in a while. I can’t seem to shake my pain. Listening to a Tegan and Sara song…“I feel you in my bones…” It always reminded me of her. But listening to it in a new light. I remember thinking a long time ago when I first heard this song that I would use it later for nostalgia.

Stopping by Trader Joe’s and then going to a produce stand on Harper’s Road. Music. Music. Music. Misery loves company and the best kind of company is the music. That’s all I want to do is make music, play music, live music, and be music.

Drinking Honey Green Tea and skipping lunch.

Meeting a lady at Barnes N Noble to sell a food processor.

Stopping by the Goodwill Super Thrift Store.

Discovering through text that she had sex with him. My blood begins to boil. Just sitting in the driver’s seat in the parking lot with the door half open. So many feelings wanting to build up into a chaotic reaction.

But all I can do is text back, “wow. I can’t believe you did that. well…I guess now you’ve found your way out. hope it was good for you.” “I don’t know how you had it in you to have sex with another guy in this fragile time. I cannot see you. you are not allowed at my house.”

Somehow, Emily reads these texts and it sparks another issue regarding the things her and I talked about last night.

I arrive at the house. Everybody just came back from the beach or something. I walk straight inside and into my room. I need to talk to someone but Emily refuses because of her own frazzled state. My friend won’t even talk to me. I plop my head into my arms on the desk and start crying. Making it outside to the van, sitting there. Rocky listens to me as I vent and explain what’s going on. She’s a good listener.

Pressing on, meeting Chris at the storage unit to practice a new song. Kal shows up as Chris and I stand around by the cars. We get into a real heavy “guy talk” about all of our current female situations.

Back at home, eating a Grilled Cheese with Tomato.

She confesses she’s upset too and is crying and wants to talk. I can’t decide if I’m even capable of confronting her right now.

She comes over and I have her drive us to the church parking lot.

“This is the only place I feel safe right now.”

Sitting in her car and clearing the air. I don’t want to be here but I do. I refuse to look at her as if upon a slight glance I would melt or it would only elevate the intensity of my emotions.

“Everyone can prepare for the apocalypse but when it actually happens everyone’s gonna fuckin freak out like it’s the same situation like you can prepare all you want for something but when that day comes when that moment comes and it hits you, all that preparation you can just kiss it goodbye because you weren’t ready.”

Back at home, making a grilled cheese for Margot. Lying on the couch with her still unsure but all I know is I feel a little bit better.

Art walks out for a minute and explains how magnetic gravity in space may cause headaches here on earth.

Eating a bowl of Frosted Shredded Wheats and a Plum.

Sharing affection…I’ve been missing…missing…missing.

She's in the bed, but we just sleep.

Sleep around 6:30 a.m.

No comments: