Wednesday October 24 2012


☼ ○ ▬

I’m the big sister of a little sister. Two strange men have broken into the house while our mom is at work. They’re forceful and want their sexual needs fulfilled. I don’t give in easy. And so throughout the dream I’m constantly running away and loosening myself from their grip and attempting to find help throughout the neighborhood. It’s stressful and I can never seem to completely escape.

▬ ○ ☼

Actually getting up at 1:11 p.m.

Strawberry Toaster Pastries. Orange Juice.

Skype chat with Aysena. Something is ultimately wrong with her. She’s depressed about her future and such things. I try to encourage the best I can but it kind of brings me down. I know she understands the balance of life; that is certain. But it just kind of sparked a dark hopeless mood in me. Despite it we smile and crack jokes between each other. Most of our conversation teeters on sincere and nonchalant. It makes it interesting, however a little bit exhausting.


Me: “I’m afraid of you. That’s the only thing I’m afraid of.”

Ays: “Yes I’m afraid of everything. Every. Single. Thing.”

Me: “You have no reason to be. BE STRONG.”


Me: “It’s hard to help you understand the truth.”

Ays: “But everybody has their own truth.”

Me: “It’s not just my truth. It’s wisdom.”


Me: “Life is full of seasons. Nothing lasts forever. Everything’s temporary. It’s depressing. I just want something to last...just one thing to be infinite.”


Me: “Keep your balance.”

Ays: “I will.”

Me: “I miss you. I do.”

Ays: “Me too.”

Me: “Bye.”

Ays: “Bye.”

Double Egg Sandwich with Mayonnaise and Tomato. Salt n Vinegar Chips. Orange Mango Honest Ade.

Spending a lot of time organizing and cleaning up downstairs – consolidating – installing the chair throne in the corner.

Kevin’s cooking up some bacon; the greasy salty smell fills up the whole house. I comment on how that’s the worst kind of meat to put into your body. He contradicts me of course and tries to convince me otherwise.

Kevin: “You’re wrong. It’s got protein and it releases endorphins.”

Me: “You know what else releases endorphins? Sex.”

Fish Nuggets with Onions, Mixed Vegetables, and Quinoa.

Watching K-19: The Widowmaker (2002).

Going for a nightwalk and learning Russian on the iPod.

There’re a few of the usual guests roaming around the house including Jessa Potter, Richie, Mike, Skippy, Joshua, and Erin Gilroy (not usual). Jessa is deejaying on the computer spinning 60’s garage jams. I muster up the energy and put on a dance show.


At some point I enter Kevin’s room. Josh, Erin, and Skippy are engaged in a discussion about some fraternity horror story that happened at Longwood. I role-play and become their English teacher. I give out pieces of paper and demand we all write for one minute non-stop, which is called applied writing. Afterwards we all read aloud what the person next to us wrote.

Go JIF I’m not choosy I love to be loved myself rethink about existential grief over my dead brain...can you feel it can you understand...

I reject the blue pen. It is not me. Flow and depth did you know we felt so much the same same fears I know everyone all full of theirs I saw his blank face when I said what he said it was all the same woods in the


I depart the mild social stimulation and head to the Friend’s School to shoot some hoops for a while.

Back in my room.

Cheerios with Brown Sugar and Milk.

Sleep 4:30 a.m.

[i] Photo by Jessa Potter.

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