Thursday October 11 2012


Waking up sometime before 2 p.m.

Strawberry Toaster Pastries. Orange Juice.

Dilly-dallying on the computer – chatting with Aysena on VK.

Grilled Cheese with Tomato and Hummus. Potato Chip Trio. Raspberry Lemonade.

Watching The Situation (2006).


Darren steps into my room and persuades me to attend Wheeler’s swap meet/birthday get-together with him over on Lake Drive. We go. It’s just James, Stephanie (and a friend of hers), Rusty, a guy named Patrick, Christine, Wheeler, and us. I brought a fancy industrial light bulb and an antique Victorian wooden picture. Everybody snacks on Seaweed and Rice along with Beers.

Stephanie asks Wheeler for some milk to put in her rice. I never heard of doing that.

Me: “Wait, how does that work?”

Stef: “You don’t understand! You’re not tropical like us. You’re not tropical flavored.”


Darren of course goes off on various tangents and bits of contradicting thoughts. In the middle of talking about the burden of beauty pretty girls have to carry Darren counteracts, “Any woman who wants to come in here and fuckin’ try to tell me that shit is terrible, all I wanna say is spend a life of NEVER being cat-called to, NEVER being approached. Spend a life of like, you see a girl across the bar and you have to think, how many other schmucks have gone up to this girl and said the exact same thing that I’m gonna say.”


I’m offered a few hits off a doobie laced with lavender. I don’t ever smoke. It immediately cuts through my system. I’m mildly high.

Back home. Darren and I cook up some Mahi-mahi fillets with Broccoli, Mushrooms, Carrots, and Bread.

Margot reaches out to me with a few simple straightforward texts like, “I miss you” and “I wanna do you”. A tingle runs down my spine. I knew this day would come, the day I would be tempted again. All I can think about is Aysena, how sweet and innocent she is. I don’t want to betray her. I’m in love with her not Margot. Oh gosh. How do I handle this one?

Margot: “So what do you think?”

Me: “It sounds appealing but I’m not so sure.”

Margot: “I want you.”

Me: “why...all of a sudden do you want me?”

Margot: “I always have wanted you. You’re the love of my life. I want you over.”

Me: “it doesn’t feel right to me to be sexual with you so suddenly.”

She calls. On the phone. “Come over or I’ll kill you,” she begs, but in the sweetest sounding way possible. My head hurts from the hits earlier at Wheeler’s. I’m not gonna be doing anything that requires focus so maybe I should just go over there. I can at least get to sleep at an earlier hour. It’s only about 2 in the morning now. Finally I give in, because I know if I don’t it will be the end of the world.

Me: “Okay. But we’re not having sex.”

Margot: “Okay.”


So here I am in her room. She’s definitely drunk. I can tell by the soft black smears under her eyes. She pushes me down on the bed and hops on top of me and starts kissing me. I back away.

Me: “No. Just relax. Take it easy.”

She’s half-crying at this point. I tuck her in under the covers and lie beside her. Physically she’s fidgety and won’t stop squirming. It’s a battle in my mind because it’s very tempting. I haven’t had sex in a while, and an even longer while with her. I wish Ays were here. None of this would be happening if she were. Being underneath the blankets with Margot doesn’t feel right; it seems off-putting in my heart. Eventually, we get off to sleep. 

[i] Images by me.

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