Tuesday October 9 2012


☼ ○ ▬

A semi-family gathering in a dining room. I’ve conjoined with my mom to make a few deliveries for China Wok; she’s supposed to help me. I sit there looking at a map and try to figure out the correct delivery routes. I call out a few addresses to my mom but she’s not paying attention. Her focus is elsewhere, with her friends. I get frustrated and flip the big table over, knocking off drinks and plates of food. Everybody reacts in shock.

“You’re not paying attention! What’s wrong with you?”

I feel very defeated that my mother, of all people, isn’t engaged in our project. It’s out of character for her. Throughout the rest of the dream I’m lost in anxiety and get mixed up in scenarios where she falls in love with some deranged man with a punk rock Mohawk. She changes her appearance drastically to fit the man’s look. It’s as if she wants to experience being young again. I think to myself, I don’t like this mom. I want the old mom back.  

▬ ○ ☼

Opening my eyes at 1:41 p.m. My mind locked in with remnant thoughts of my dreams.

Pear. Coffee.


Skype chatting with Aysena. It’s her birthday today. I play her a song on guitar as a present. “All I Have to Do Is Dream” by The Everly Brothers. She seems to appreciate it but something seems wrong at the same time. I’m getting an unenthusiastic vibe from her. She says she’s just tired.

Egg Salad Sandwich with Tomato. Quaker Rice Cheese Snacks. Honey Oolong Tea.

Catching up on writing.


Vacuuming, cleaning up, and making repairs downstairs.

Red Beans with Spinach and Rice. Coconut Water.

Learning Russian.

Having a small Facebook conversation with my mom. She never fails to slip in spiritual encouragement.

Mom: “I miss you so very much...”

Me: “yes i know. i feel it.”

Mom: “For such a time as this...you have such purpose locked inside you...even though you have continued to grow and progress in some ways...other areas have suffered loss...deep calls to deep...God is calling out to you to come back to a place of intimacy.”

Me: “i feel that too.”

Mom: “I believe there are rivers of living water that need to flow forth from you...there have been experiences that were necessary but also detours and distractions. The Spirit of the Lord says, ‘My love comes to set you free from rejection & free from shame & from low self esteem. And from despair & abuse. Because when I look at you, say’s the Lord, I see something that I love. I see something that I can love outrageously. And I have much to bestow upon you, so much to give you, so many places to take you in My heart. But you cannot go there unless you allow me to love you.’”

Carrying some things to the dumpster with Kevin, Anthony, and Darren. We find a huge piece of ply board. Anthony thinks we should take it back to the house for art purposes. He lifts it himself.

Anthony: “I got it.”

Me: “C’mon, Darren. Grab the other side.”

Darren: “He’s got it.”

Me: “If Anthony tried to pick up the Empire State building would you help him?”

Darren: “No!”

It’s a beautiful night to go running. I throw on my little green backpack with an iPod safely inside rocking a newly made playlist. It turns out to be quite a cathartic jog. I take a different route by going across the street into the Linlier neighborhood. It’s dark and misty. Tiny drops of water accumulate on the lens of my glasses creating a blurry kaleidoscope effect. Taking deep breaths through my nose and almost tasting the sweet smells of the floral life from the thick vegetation. Soaking in what my mom said to me earlier. It’s not so much that I’ve been taking detours; they’ve merely been part of the path I choose to explore. It’s ambiguous sometimes in my head. But I like it that way. Too much clarity stifles the adventure. I don’t know. But she’s right. Spiritually I’m malnourished. But even that isn’t necessarily true. In general I stay in tune to the spiritual. I think I’ve just forgotten how to communicate.

It’s been a while since I made Chocolate Chip Cookies. I got inspired before the run and already made the cookie dough. Margot invited me over. Originally I was going to borrow her copy of Inception to let Anthony borrow but I didn’t need to anymore. I go over anyway. I bake a small batch of cookies and enjoy it with a wide mug of milk to dip them in. On the couch with the TV on. Everything feels casual and unusually normal. It’s not like we’ve been hanging out on a regular basis or even at all. The Colbert Report is on. She’s tired. I tuck her into bed. But before I leave I lie down next to her for a while.

Back home. Rewarding the kids with a batch of their own.

Sleep 4ish a.m.

[i] Kaleidoscope 5. Mark O'Brien.

No comments: