Tuesday April 10 2012


Sunlight brightens the room. It’s 7:15 a.m. and I’m wide-awake, my brain lost in a whirlwind of ugly thoughts. She’s still sound asleep. But I’m stuck mulling over the fatal fact that she could be having a crush on another. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this earlier. I’m very familiar with this nonchalant behavior. After many years of interaction with each other any slight shift in attitude is noted and taken into account. I have no evidence but there’s a horrible feeling in my gut that she’s hiding something. Yes, she’s had a busy weekend working long hours and finishing school projects, and not to mention her period has started. But there’s no denying the difference I’ve noticed even as subtle as it may be. I know all too well how transparent Margot is. It could be nothing in reality but in my reality it sits there like a bad pimple on my face.


I don’t know how but I manage to slip back into dreamland...

DREAM: Drinking Little Kings beers. Purchasing plane tickets to a nearby island. Some of us don’t have the money. Approaching a man who appears to have hostile intent. It’s understood I have a fierce ability with weapons. I grab pots and pans and spatulas and other kitchenware sitting on a table near me and swing them in his direction. He returns the favor and I’m forced to dodge his projectiles. I jump off a short cliff into a manmade construction pit. I keep hopping and skipping and flying because this guy is relentless. I’m stressed...

We wake up a little before noon. I don’t have much time to discuss any of my theories, as she has to be at school soon. So I head home.

Hot Cinnamon Oatmeal with Brown Sugar, Flax Seed, and Coconut Milk. Orange Juice.

Catching up on writing.


I decide to inform Margot of the concerns I was having earlier. I get her to come over after her afternoon religion class.

Me: “I need to squelch some worries of mine with you...”

But first, she tags along to Trader Joe’s with me. She gets distracted with all the candy and knickknacks at Five Below while I grocery shop.

Then, at home. While I chop up ingredients for guacamole I extinguish my worries...and she talks. For the most part I was right. There is another guy that she admits to being attracted to, but only as a schoolgirl thing. She assures me there is no situation and that nothing at all has happened. She’s only hung out with him two or three times in a group setting. I’m overreacting a little bit here and I’ll admit sometimes a few people come along that you crush on innocently with, even while being committed to someone. But I make a good point...

Me: “Do not involve other people in this relationship! You’ve done this before. This relationship has to be over before you let someone else in. I would think we would have enough respect for one another...”

She divulges as I pry more into the details. There really isn’t much to speak of and I believe her. We’ve both kept things hidden in order to protect each other but she’s not lying here. I can tell. I’ve already blindsided her enough to confess what little there is to tell. The conversation turns into a constructive critique on the longevity of our relationship. Cause the real issue here is fear. She sheds a few tears.

Me: “Look, I know love sometimes isn’t enough. I’ve heard that before...”

Her: “But I care about you.”

Me: “I know. I care about you too.”


Her: “I’m afraid [if we part] I’ll never find someone that really cares about me like you.”


Her: “I can’t seem to find guys who aren’t assholes.”

Me: “It’s all about where you look...the environment. I know I’ve said this before and I don’t want to make you feel dumb. But the guys that you meet at these bars...they’re not there to find someone to care about. They’re there to have a good time. It’s about what you want. Some guys only want one thing. And other guys want two things.”


Her: “I wanna do right by you.”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Her: “Like, I don’t want to ruin your opportunity with another girl that you could be happier with.”


Her: “I was talking to my mom about this and she says, you’re afraid to let go of him because he was your first.”

Grilled Cheese with Tomato. Multi Grain Tortilla Chips with Fresh Guacamole. Honey Green Tea.

Finishing the movie, Things to Do in Denver When You’re Dead (1995).

“Life is like a mustard burp, momentarily tangy then forgotten in the air.”

I get invited over to Marko’s pad off Chadwick near Emerald Point apartments. Rusty, Daniel Hart, Jose, Stephanie, and Clinton are here. Hanging out on the back patio—cracking jokes—good times.

Working out at the gym. But my body feels a little weak and flu-ish.

Back home. I take an Ibuprofen.

Hickory Salmon with Mushrooms, Cabbage, Kale, Broccoli, Onions, and Rice.

Watching Internal Affairs (1990).

I get the call from Margot. She sounds super wasted.

Her: “Will you come get me?”

Me: “Yeah okay. Where are you?”

Her: “I’m on 24th and Pacific!”

I arrive on the scene. Her friend Tory is with her. We take her home as a team. I tuck Margot in bed. I make sure there is a glass of water by the bedside and that her phone is charging.

Back home.

A shot of Apple Cider Vinegar and a cup of hot Echinacea Tea with Honey.

Baking Beer Bread using a Miller High Life bottle.

In the living room with Corbin and Gillian. A hostage situation with bad overdramatic acting on the TV. Corbin tells of his harsh times stationed in Iraq. He’s only 22 years old and has PTSD.

Relaxing in my room feeling abnormally horny. I wish Margot wasn’t so drunkenly kaputz. Now I’m left alone with my imagination.

[i] Sun; Spill. Brent Schoepf.

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