Monday April 23 2012


DREAM: Inside another person’s apartment. An old friend I knew from back in the day, Alixandra, is here with a gay friend of hers. In the kitchen attempting to cook a makeshift meal – sautéing string beans, green onions, and rice. Ants crawling on one of the burners on the stove...

Struggling out of bed at 11:15 a.m.

All day shift at China Wok.

Egg and Cheese Biscuit and Pecan Cinnamon Twist from Bojangles. Orange Juice.

It’s terribly slow for business today but the tips individually are generous – lots of five dollar tips.

Potato Chip Trio. Chocolate Crème Cookies. Honey Oolong Tea.

Snapping the peas.

The air is surprisingly chilly – a cold refresher.

Quaker Cheddar Cheese Rice Snacks. Bosc Pear.

Finally off work.

Tofu and Mixed Vegetables in Garlic Sauce with Rice.

I run home and grab Darren. We attend Roma’s birthday party at the Russian’s apartment off Harper’s Road. James Graves and other people I don’t know are there. It’s a small gathering. Sipping on beers and playing beer (water) pong. Art is competitive as usual and Darren is proud as usual.

Back home.

[Text message]

Margot: “Why haven’t you texted me all night :(”

Me: “I was just about to ask you the same question”


Me: “well???”

Margot: “Well what you want. I’m at poons”

Me: “so that’s why. you’re out.”

Margot: “Yea. But I still texted you unlike you did. You chicken monkey duck”

I convince her to stop by my place before she has to go home and get up early for school. She walks in through the door. I rise out of my computer chair and hug her intently. I see a little alcohol tint in her eyes.

Playfully I say, “Alright. I predict you had 2 drinks and one shot.”

She holds up three fingers, “I had 3 drinks and 2 shots.”

Me: “So how was your night? Who’d you see?”

She gives me the rundown of the bars and the girlfriends she hung out with. Then I decide to ask, “So did you see any of those boys of yours? Did you see ----? How bout -----? And your friend ----? I’m sure you saw him.”

Even though it was a serious inquiry I said it in a facetious manner. She is immediately offended and irritated that I would even ask such stupid questions. She threatens to leave. And so sparks a time warp...a déjà vu...back into past episodes of me experiencing her drunken emotional rage. I know the questions came from an insecure part of me and I admitted that to her, but I didn’t expect to receive such a vile response. I try my best to stay calm and collected while she yells and raves on with outlandish comments – some of the words strike like bullets – their only purpose to break down and destroy – a psychological violence. 

Her: “Maybe I’m bored with you.”

Her: “You’ve been suffocating me.”

Her: “Stop being a pussy-bitch!”

Her: “Maybe I need a real man whose dick is 10 inches longer unlike yours...”

There is definitely no logic or rationale to her behavior. I keep thinking, where did my sweet Margot go? She persists in throwing it all back onto me as the catalyst to this hellish predicament and expects me to grovel at her feet. I refuse to take this kind of abuse. I don’t deserve this.

Me: “Margot, you’re royally insulting me. You don’t respect me. Just leave. Please step out of my house. Now.”

Of course, if I ask her to leave she won’t.

Me: “What do you want from me? You’re obviously bored with me. Just go! Get out!”

She refuses.

Me: “Margot, you’re standing there saying these things so you can have the you can be in control. You’re immature and you’re being a bitch.”

I keep thinking to myself, How did this turn into such a rough emotional night? Where did we go wrong? Does it matter who is to blame?  

Eventually, I don’t know how, but she exits. I’m really shaken up now. This is all bullshit. This whole thing. She’s a joke. I wish I didn’t love her like I did. It’d be so easy to make my exit too.


She demands that I come over and apologize as if I was the one out of line the whole time. How does she turn it around and put it all on me?

I send her a conclusive text...

“I’m really shaken up. I’m not going anywhere. you don’t understand the damage that your words can do.”

After an aggravated solo sexual release I continue lying down in bed mulling through thoughts. Thinking about the other friends in my life and how the kind of nonsense Margot just pulled off would never happen with anyone else. Even at their roughest moments they would never be that harsh and degrading. I have better friends.

Sleep a little after 3 a.m.

[i] Barbie Cigarette. Photo by Russ. Meme creator unknown.

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