Saturday November 19 2011


DREAM: I’m on a mission to send an in-person message to someone. They’ve put me on an airplane with a partner—he’s sitting next to me. They gave me three shreds of paper with three different person’s names on them. These three persons have been assigned by an anti-group to steal my information. So there I my seat...belted up. My partner and I observe the rest of the passengers step onto the plane. Easily I’m able to point out the three intruders who have attempted to disguise themselves as normal Joe Shmoes. One of them is of Indian descent and he chooses to sit across the aisle a few rows down. I have the paper shreds in my left pocket. He stumbles over me and pick pockets one of the papers. I immediately snag his hand and steal it back. There’re a few other instances where he tries something sneaky and I fight back. At one point I’ve got him in a hold on the floor and I’m smacking him on the face. The other passengers don’t pay too much mind. But I’m extremely frustrated with this guy and his antics. It feels like I have no power to be completely safe and secure on this plane.

Waking up at 11:10 a.m.

All day shift at China Wok.

Orange Juice. Banana. Zinc. Vitamin E.

I just want to get to the point where my imagination doesn’t hurt me anymore.

Egg Sandwich with Mayonnaise and Tomato. Potato Chip Trio. Honey Green Tea.

That same guy on Lynnhaven Drive orders again and requests a bottle of whiskey instead of 40’s like last time. He sounds drunk already over the phone. I don’t have to knock but just walk straight in to meet him by his chair, where he lounges all day I assume, probably never leaving his throne. I wonder what his story is. I know he said he was/is a pilot. He’s kind and tips generously.

I have this moment where my memory of her just screams out in a surreal and all encompassing manner. I feel lead to text but I hesitate...

[Text message]

Me: “margot!”

Her: “What?!”

Me: “sorry. just needed to hear your text voice.”

Her: “Weirdo...I keed :) that’s kinda sweet”


Feeling the pangs of sexual deprivation are obvious but I express these feelings to the one person I’m prone to express them to. I wouldn’t chalk it up to only that cause there’s a longing of romantic intimacy intertwined with it also. I mean this has been hard to control...

Me: “you know i still crave you”

Her: “Oh stop it!”

Me: “i cant stop”

Her: “Yes you can. You just have to commit to it”

Me: “uh huh...congratulations to us for doing a good job”

Her: “Hey I’m doing a better job than you are! So. I’m off thanksgiving and have to open on fri. If you wanted to meet up at some point on one of those days that would be ok with me”

Deliveries have been non-stop. No time to breath. No time to eat. No time to really think about anything except how slow this car in front of me is going and how ignorant they are to the fact they aren’t the only ones on the road. Virginia Beach streets do not revolve around you!

Nicole has plans to hang out with a few friends involving S’mores and she invites me. I’m reluctant because this day has been overwhelming...

Me: “maybe. just hit me up.”

Her: “now your mr. indecisive.”

Me: “i just haven’t been feeling productive lately. its like food to me. but so is human connection. thats why i say maybe.”


She quotes something Pythagoras was known to have said: “Man by his habits, sets into motion those agencies which eventually destroy him.”

Mom stops by. She’s waiting for me in a borrowed car eating an ice cream cone. She joins me on my last hour of delivery runs. Jazz on NPR quietly playing on the radio, directing the mood and keeping me alert. I know I look stressed to her. I wish I were in a brighter state. It’s less than a week till she returns to Florida. I want to take advantage of personal mom time.

Back home...finally. This was probably the busiest workday I’ve ever had at China Wok.

Tofu and Mixed Vegetables in Garlic Sauce with Rice. Coke.

Stephanie’s here painting patches for The Vaginasaurs. I’m counting money and enjoying my dinner. Simultaneously we engage in quite a discussion about drive and attitude and how our past relationships with others have affected that and can bring you down—the distractions can be too distracting. I’m finding a newfound kinship with our similar outlooks and our push to be ambitious. We’ve been friends for a while through different creative projects and such but as of late we’ve opened up a new level of friendship where we can be open to analyze one another’s conflicts and elaborate on life’s challenges.

My fortune cookie says, “One who does nothing but wait for his ship to come has already missed the boat.

A bowl of Cheerios with Brown Sugar.

Watching Starman (1984).

Sleep 4:22 a.m.

[i] Album cover by Keith Kawaii.

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