Monday November 14 2011


DREAM: I’m in what’s understood to be my bedroom but looks far from it. Three people are sleeping in here. I was given a dress to wear while I play guitar and jam with Skippy and Alex Forster.

Complaining to Skippy, “I don’t understand why they want me to wear this dress if you two are the only ones who will see me...”

The whole house is quiet and we’re about to jam out on our instruments. I’m reluctant to be loud.

Drudgingly waking up at 11:13 a.m. My throat is tender and scratchy.

All day shift at China Wok.

Orange Juice. Banana. Zinc. Ibuprofen.

Slow afternoon at work.


Not feeling very good.

My mom pops into work, as she’ll be here visiting for a few weeks. We talk and catch up on our respective lives and revelations.

Me: “Once you reach the point of loving someone you can never stop loving them. When you distance yourself from them it still doesn’t go away. You just stop living in that love.”

Sharing food at Panera. Eating a Tuna Salad Sandwich with Lettuce and Tomato. French Onion Soup and a French Baguette.

It’s almost surreal to see her face in person. My mother, the one who birthed me and raised me to be a star of love just like herself. Our bond is very important to me.

We go for a delivery run. She’s in the middle of a troublesome text correspondence with a friend...

Me: “It’s hard to be friends with someone who’s capable of such ignorance.”

Mom: “[Haha] I like the way you put that.”

She leaves me.

Honey Green Tea.

Delivering an order on Ebb Tide near Shore Drive.

The girl recognizes me, “Oh, you’re Margot’s ex...”

Me: “Yeeeeah. What’s your name?”

Girl: “Brittney. I used to work at Harpoon Larry’s.”

Me: “Ohhh. Right. I remember you.”

That was an interesting run-in. I felt compelled to call up Margot and tell her about it since she worked with her. She’s doing a shift herself right now at Harpoon’s...

Her: “You’re really bad at this no contact thing.”

Me: “I know. I’m sorry. This wasn’t just an excuse to hear your voice even though it might’ve been. I just wanted to share that with you really quick...And I saw my mom today and it was really good to see her. She wants to see you soon...”

Her: “Okay.”

I can tell she’s a little blindsided for my random call. I guess that’s the effect I wanted to have on her—to keep my presence in her mind just in case I lost my place there.

A few deliveries later I call her back for a hot second...

Her: “Hey.”

Me: “Hey. Sorry. I just wanted to tell you one more thing...I still think about you every day and I miss you. That’s all.”

No real response but she’s in the middle of work so I don’t expect too much feedback.

Me: “Okay. Bye.”

Snacking on Nut Mix, Coffee with Pumpkin Spice Creamer, and an Apple Fritter.

Stephanie and Amanda stop by—Stef rides with me while Amanda stays behind at The Wok studying the decriminalization of drugs.

In the car Stef wants to hear Canadian music, so she cranks up Tegan and Sara.

Delivering an order on Lynnhaven Drive near Shore Drive. The guy requested I buy him two 40’s in return for a big tip.

I knock on the door and the guy invites me in from his lounge chair in the living room, “C’mon in! Just walk in! Sorry my back keeps me in this chair.”

On the TV is an intense air show. He says it’s called the Red Bull Air Race. It’s like watching NASCAR but with stunt planes. He talks my head off for a good 10 minutes about how he’s piloted planes like that before and is an expert in remote control planes.

He directs me, from his seat, to a dark room, “Yeah just flip the light switch to the left.”

Inside resides a green model plane with Heineken painted on the side.

Him: “That’s my baby!”

Finally back in the car. Stef was concerned what took me so long.

Darren’s leftovers for dinner: Red Beans and Rice with Broccoli and Red Peppers. And Gypsy Cold Care Tea with Lemon and Honey.

Watching an Australian film called Beautiful (2009).


A piece of Toast with Biscoff Spread.

Liquids. Liquids. Liquids.

My achy thoughts surrounding her are tough to deal with on their own. But as much as I miss her I also enjoy being single. I don’t have to answer any questions. I can be free with my close friends and stay open to any meaningful opportunities that could take place.

Sleep 4:24 a.m.

[i] Red Bull Air Race, Istanbul (2006).


Anonymous said...

What did your mom say in response to the "not living in that love" statement?

James Robert Smith said...

I'm not sure if I remember.