Saturday July 2 2011

DREAM: Exploring the halls of the church I used to go to, Freedom Fellowship. I step into one of the small classrooms. A guy is standing there with guilt on his face but he’s trying to cover it up by acting badass. He looks like a character from a recent movie I saw called Cop Land. I approach him with determination, reach my right arm around my back, and poke him in his side, “You feel this? That’s my finger sticking into your chest. Next time it’ll be a real gun.” He opens the door to leave and offers me some dap with his hand as if we’re cool. I accept it as a sign to be cordial despite the hostility between us.

Waking up 11:13 a.m.

Breakfast: Plain Bagel with Cream Cheese. Orange Juice.

All day shift at China Wok.

I stop at Stoney’s Produce for some sweet plums and a tomato—the girl working there recognizes me from somewhere. I assure her it’s because I frequent this place. She lives in Massachusetts but only works here in the summer.

On the phone with customers placing orders—sometimes they can be so exasperating.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately on the philosophy of romantic relationships, more importantly the philosophy on the ones I’ve had over the years, and especially since these subjects have been the repeating topics in Margot and I’s conversations. Every single relationship boiled down to this: how happy are we making one another? We all want to be happy and satisfied. We’re ferocious consumers for pleasure and ecstasy and feeling. Anything that counter acts the happy experience is unwanted and causes doubt in the connection—constant bickering and arguing—constant disappointment—feelings of inadequacy—incompatibility—etcetera etcetera etcetera. The question is, are these viable reasons to assume it’s time to separate? Do you really expect to have a perfect relationship without conflict? Is not love a choice? Is it enough? I’m a warrior when it comes to love:::::::::or am I just trying to hard to protect myself from the inevitable?

Margot and I are both too stubborn and comfortable. It was easy for her before when she had a distraction and someone else to want. I don’t want to want someone else! But in our hearts do we feel it’s right…right to leave each other? Right to give each other space? Right to really see what it’s like without the other? I’m scared.

"Love is great. Relationships suck."

"You'll never know if you've found the perfect person for you, but you will know when the person you're with is not the right one."

Lunch: Egg Sandwich with Tomato and Mayonnaise.

It feels like the hottest day of the summer—keeping my driving arm above my head to protect it from sunburn.

After getting lunch, Darren’s sister Gillian is there at the house. I invite her for a few deliveries. Chatting it up about a lot of the things I’ve already been thinking about. She’s really insightful and smart about these kinds of things.

Gillian: “Sexy people have sexy dreams.”

Salt n Vinegar Chips and Watermelon.

One of the guys that works at Verizon next door walks in to pick up his food. He starts inquiring about authentic Chinese food to Cecily. “Look I want to know, is this Chinese food? What is Chinese food?” Referring to American Chinese food that’s served here, “It’s what we as Americans look at as Chinese food. But it’s not authentic.”

Cecily says no one would eat the food if they served real Chinese food.

He starts asking about Ling and the other chef, “Is that your brother?”

Her: “Yes.”

He looks at me for confirmation, “Is she telling me the truth? Does she understand what I’m saying?”

Smiling the whole time I answer, “Yeah. She understands. That’s her husband.”

Him: “Oh!”

Her: “In China, husband is a brother.”

Dinner rush—making good money.

Back home after an 11 and a half hour workday.

Dinner: Papa John’s Pizza and a Carrot.

Talking with my mom on the phone—she has a computer question—trying to explain how to save an attachment from an email.

Mom: “So how are you?”

Me: “I’m good. I’m busy. I live in Virginia Beach. There’s a lot of people and a lot of noise.”

Mom: “Are you happy?”

Me: “I’m not happy with my environment but I’m a happy person.”

The queen is here to satisfy me—and boy does she satisfy. Nothing but the blue light stream coiled over my bed and a candlelight. I like it when she’s in control. She does too.

During the transfer of fire and ecstasy, I whisper You’re incredible…You feel so good…

Settling down with popcorn and Let Me In [2010] playing on the computer.

She shouts, “I LOVE POPCORN!”

Me: “You also love yelling.”


Sleep 4 a.m.

No comments: