Sunday January 22 2012


Waking up at 11:20 a.m.

Cinnamon Oatmeal with Brown Sugar, Flax Seed, Raisins, and Milk. Strawberry Banana Orange Juice. Zinc (50mg).

All day shift at China Wok.

Snapping the peas.

Peanut Butter Pita Bread. Potato Chip Trio. Aloe Vera Juice.

Why does she make me so nervous?

It’s a steady unstressed day for Chinese food. Generous tippers too.

Chocolate Glazed Donut and Coffee from Wawa.

Tofu and Mixed Vegetables in Garlic Sauce with Rice.

Watching Solitary Man (2009).

Hanging out at Elliott’s place. He’s dubbing split cassettes with four songs from The Vaginasaurs and songs from his project, You’re Jovian as well. We’re going to hand them out for the show on Wednesday.

I stop by Margot’s with the possible intention of sleeping there. She just had a bunch of her girlfriends over here hanging out and she has to open in the am so she’s super tired. Her roommate Emily baked homemade Pound Cake. I have a few slices with a little White Wine. We sit there on the couch discussing things while she’s obviously exhausted. I experience those ugly feelings of jealousy when she informs me the next two evenings are booked with two different guy friends of hers. And here I am at the butt crack of her day. Her life is busy now...juggling work, school, a social life, and getting acquainted with her new living situation.

Me: “I don’t have security with you right now…………….I think I’m just too emotional with you for my own good…………….I miss you being invasive.”


Her: “I like that you’re complaining about not spending time with me……….You’re still my number one, Robert.”


It’s nice having someone who considers you their world...considers you #1. How much longer though? Will I always be number one in her life...her first choice? I hate the rollercoaster relationship. We’ve ridden this many times before and it does get old.

Me: “I told you before I want all of you or nothing at all. I don’t want to be on this rollercoaster and I know you don’t either.”

Her: “That makes me sad I couldn’t be friends with you if we didn’t start dating again.”

Me: “Yeah I know. But I can’t watch you...knowing you’re available to other guys.”


I recall to her the time she was desperate and said she would change/do anything to make the relationship better.

Me: “Would you really do that?”


She tries to convince me that it’s not her that stresses me out so much but my love for her that stresses me out.

She’s dead asleep next to me but I can’t seem to get there. It’s hot and my neck hurts. It dawns on me that I could take a peek at her text messages in case there’s something hidden in the interaction that she’s holding back from telling me. She’s never been good at hiding things though. And she’s not one to lie and she’s really only ever lied once to me but it was for my protection at the time. I hate feeling this insecure that I would do this but I couldn’t stop myself. I had to ease my mind. I had to. I flip through the conversations, most of them about making plans with friends like: “We’re at Schuckers” or “Meet me here” or “I have school tonight” or “What are you doing tomorrow?” But one unnamed number is obviously from James Duke. I remember she said he changed his number a few times. My God, these texts here...the way he speaks to her like some shallow booty call, along the lines of, “I’m just looking for some mouth on my dick.” and other such noble phrases. Wow. However, her replies showed an apparent distaste for his ugly classless words. She calls him out for being such a shitty person, something along the lines of, “I can’t believe I had sex with you...” I foresaw this being the extent of their relationship. But it’s a shame she had to learn the hard way.


Either way my body is shaking and my feathers have been ruffled. I’m nervous and tired. She mildly snores next to me. Time to sleep all this off.

[i] Elif Sanem Karakoç.

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