Tuesday March 8 2011

Opening my eyes in mid afternoon sometime—can’t fall back to sleep cause my mind is racing with dreadful thoughts.

DREAM: I’ve started working for some thrift store and some little black kid keeps messing things up and seems to be a thief.

Waking up around 6:30 p.m.

Katie, Les’s girlfriend/ex, had called me earlier. Thinking it wouldn’t be a good idea to call her back but I do anyway. We inquire more into the story of how Margot and him hooked up and all the details leading up to it. After I get off the phone, I just feel worse.

Immune Defense.

Working on the final queries for this Google exam. My hands are wet and clammy from nervousness, but not from test anxiety so much.

I’m just thinking about you—thinking about the fact that you came on to somebody else. You completely lost it and gave yourself to somebody else and that hurts me more than you can imagine—the ultimate rejection—the ultimate nightmare. I don’t know how to punish you. Yes it’s true, I’ve given you the power to hurt me, and you did the same thing some time ago. Every little word you say to me or text to me I take so close to heart. Your choice of words, the way you say it, your attitude; it’s all so tender and tense for me.

“To [Freud], women were always kind of incomprehensible; he referred to women, finally, as "the dark continent."”

Search queries. Search queries. Search queries.

Talking with Becca on the phone. I mention how I’m too tender to see other people.

Emily sent me a message including a segment from a poetical play she was a part of in high school:

“love is for beautiful people
for fairy tale princesses
for little mermaids who overcome an ocean for her prince!
but we mortals who walk on dirt
must feel the stains on our feet
and the marks it leaves on our clothes”

Eating Cinnamon Roll Toast with Butter and Milk.

Counting quarters.

Margot was supposed to come see me but she’s stuck at Harpoon Larry’s. So I agree to come pick her up. She’s been with her friends drinking on and off all day because of Mardi Gras, so she’s a little wasty.

Driving back. After I mention that Katie and I talked over the phone about the situation earlier today, she flips out. I try to explain

Me: “Why are you mad at me? Give me a fuckin break here. I’m upset because you left out information for me, which was probably in the best interest and we already discussed this last night. It’s fine. I don’t want to talk more about that. I just wanted to see you. This whole day has been heavy for me.”

We get into a discussion on the details of what happened. She’s acting angry and very defensive. Listening to her, I can hear falsities and sugar coatings. I know her well enough to know that she comes on strong to people she’s attracted to. And as much as I’m sure this guy Les had his responsibility in coming on to her, she is plenty to blame along with it. This whole thing just stinks. She’s seems to be more highly concerned about how much she feels disdain for him now and how she just wants things to be cool. The more she goes on about it the more I can tell she really liked him.

Her: “I told him sex ruins everything and he didn’t believe me. He’s like, its just sex. I said, sex changes everything.”

Her: “Every time I talk to you I get more upset about him and every time I talk to him I get less upset. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know who to listen to. You’re telling me one thing about what he’s saying. He’s telling me another to make me feel better…..I don’t need to feel worse about it because he obviously realizes now that is was a bad decision. I was already the one telling him No we shouldn’t. It’s a big decision. I was into a guy and I had sex with him too soon. I was really into him and he just wasn’t. And I was talking about you and me. [when her and I first started seeing each other] I was into you and you weren’t feeling it as much.”

Her: “I feel upset that I hurt everyone. I was a part of hurting his girlfriend. I was a part of hurting you. I gave myself to someone who obviously regretted it and it just makes me feel like a fucking object. Like, Okay, I just used you to fix something and then I put you down until I need you again. You’re a light bulb. You’re used to put in the light. And now I’m lit for a while and I won’t need you until I burn out again. I was trying to avoid that. I told him this, I’m a girl. Alls I have is sex. That’s my only card and I’m not gonna use it cause once it’s gone I don’t have anything. He’s like, You’re smart. I’m like, I know. I’ve learned my lesson. Like, I know that guys only want sex and if you give it to them you’re just done. You’re nothing after that. And that’s sad. it’s pathetic if you think about it.”

Me: “But not all guys are like that. It’s not true. I am not like that.”

Her: “You were like that!”

Me: “Look we did have sex too soon. I know that. But look at me now! Margot, I’m in love with you. I’m in love with you like I’ve never been before.”

Her: “But not at the time.”

This leads into an upsetting analyzation on the history of our relationship—where we came from—how it started—the dark memories.

Her: “To be honest, Robert. One of the reasons I kept going after you for so long was because you were the first guy I slept with. I was a virgin. I’m not gonna let this go that easily. I didn’t want to admit to myself that it was mistake sleeping with you in the first place and I wanted it to become something so it would make me feel better.”

All of a sudden she brings up almost everything she can remember that I did to her that was hurtful—bringing up false accusations and some true accusations of people I hooked up with in the past while her and I were unofficially together.

Me: “Margot, I know I was wrong.” The things I did to her really sucked. I can tell her heart was battered and beaten from the things I did to her. This is probably one of the reasons she’s moved on. She still holds all those things against me. It sucks. Even after we started dating, she never trusted me and always brought up shit. I can honestly say I stayed committed to her during this time after we made it official and even before. I learned from my mistakes and realized how serious this needed to be. No matter how hard I tried I could not get her to trust me. I feel she will never forgive me.

Me: “Do you hate me?……I know you hate the things I did.”

Her: “Yeah I do! They still upset me.”

Me: “I’m sorry. I know the damage I caused. I realized that a long time ago. I know. People change. I changed that mindset when I realized I really loved you. I’m so into you. I really am. I’m not gonna screw you over. I wanted you to trust me. You mean so much to me. I don’t like the person I was then. I’m sorry.”

Me: “Do you love me?”

Her: “Yeah, unfortunately.”

Her lips are inviting me in. I respond with a lippy greeting.

Me: “I’m the best lover you’re ever gonna find.”

Her: “So far so good.”

We lighten up. She starts exploring her attractiveness and what she thinks the ideal physical beauty should look like.

Her: “I don’t like girls that I think are pretty.”

Me: “I never really understood your type.”

Her: “I like the awkward shy nerdy type because they think they can never get a girl like me and I want to make them feel good. If you had seen me out of all the girls would you think that you could’ve gotten with me?”

Me: “No I would not. You would seem out of my league.”

We are a classic Geek and Goddess story.

Her: “I mean I like the opposites. I like that you’re kind of dorky. I like seeing dorky guys with super hot girls. I think it’s cute.”

Me: “You know I’m the best dorky guy you’re gonna find.”

Her: “No, I think Michael Cera is the best dorky guy.”

Me: “He’s already got a girlfriend.”

Back in my room. Ahh she looks so beautiful in that outfit. We’re chest to chest, hugging, kissing. All I know is this is what I want—your affection—your love. On the bed interlocking and squeezing. I have to serve my queen. It’s not about who deserves what. I need to pleasure her. She returns the favor. I assure her not to worry about me down there because she’s my focus. But I’m really feeling it now—getting it up is not so bad. I made the conscious choice. I want to be inside you. Her left hand communicated reciprocation.

I know what you, the readers, are thinking, She’s playing you. She’s toying with you. Why are you letting her do that? I don’t care. Being inside her makes me feel whole—connected. Unfortunately, I don’t last long. But it happened and nothing else matters. I feel somewhat accomplished and secure.

She wants to sleep here until I get back from work.

Eating half a Tuna Salad Sandwich. Salt n Vinegar Chips. Honey Green Tea.

Kenneth’s making Garlic Intense Spaghetti in the kitchen.

“I gotta go to work but save me a plate.”

Newspaper route.

She’s texting me cute things like “Where did you go:(” and “:(come back!!!!”

Trying to finish the route as fast as I can.

I greet her in the bed—hearing her sleepy moans and groans. I love that.

Eating some of Kenneth’s Garlic Intense Spaghetti and some Garlic Bread.

Finishing up this Google exam. We’ll see if I pass after tomorrow.

Margot wakes up and says something but I can’t hear her from all the ambient noise in the bedroom.

Her: “Robert.”

Me: “Hey,” I say warmly as I wrap my arms around her.

Her: “I just had a bad dream.”

She dreamed she was running from a little girl who was trying to kill her. She was looking for a gun but couldn’t find one.

Me: “Oh, that’s good. It shows you’re a fighter.”

I lie down with her while she sleeps—sometimes watching her breathe and dream.

I’ve got to give her a ride back to her car soon but I don’t know when she’s gonna get up so eventually I fall asleep next to her around 10 a.m.

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