Monday March 7 2011

DREAM: I’m supposed to work a new job. I’ve traveled on my bike and arrived on site—a dirt field in the middle of nowhere, but just outside the city. 2 or 3 utility trucks with massive cargo room pull up and piles of Mexican people climb out of the back—a lot of kids too. They’re here to work the fields and I guess I am too. They line up under a long canopy while I make my way through pulling my bike along with me. I’m not sure what kind of work we’re doing. I ask one of the higher ups. It seems to be a fast paced environment, not a lot of talking and just figuring it out as you go along.

Josiah walks into my room warning me that We Are Trees is going to be practicing in the house.

Waking up just before 6 p.m.

No longer gonna dwell in the puddles of sadness and nostalgia. This is the time to move forward and press on to bigger and brighter things. The time of memorializing your place in my life is coming to a close, well, we’ll see. But I’m on the right path. [little do I know what’s in store for me later in the night]

Breakfast: Orange Juice. Fresh Mango.

Attending the show at Concrete down at the Oceanfront.

Louis is in his suspenders, high-waisted blue jeans, yellow cap flipped back and a mafia Sesame Street shirt. I love Louis. He’s ripping up the dance floor before the show starts.

On the couch—James Nee lounges next to me with his head propped on my shoulder as I read a little bit from this Telementation book—the Naked Gods band is pounding the atmosphere with invigorating rock. Rachel plops down in between us. James and I’s hands reach around her and interlock. My smile is uncontrollable. I just feel so happy for some reason being here with friends and watching great music.

Snacking on Salt n Vinegar Chips.

“I love all the characters I’m surrounded with.”

Back at the house. Settling down to enjoy a Grilled Cheese with Tomato and read emails. I notice a message from Katie, Les’s girlfriend/ex-girlfriend (I don’t know). She felt it was the right thing to do to inform me that he had sex with Margot. WHOOOOOOO. I can barely finish the other half of my sandwich. So you only kissed, huh?

On the phone with Margot:

Me: “I’m already on a path to moving on and the fact that I had to find this out after the fact when I straight out asked you and you said to me ‘No we didn’t have sex.’” You are horrible. Horrible. I don’t know why you didn’t just tell me the truth.”

Recalling something she said to me yesterday and mockingly repeating it, “Oh I’m not gonna slut it around. Then what is having sex with a dude you barely know called? What is that called?”

Her: “It’s called a mistake.”

Me: “That’s called slutting it around!”

Her: “I was drunk.”

Me: “That’s always your excuse. It all seems hypocritical that you would do something like that with all the things you told me.” Like, ‘I need some lovin soon and I’d rather get it from you than some weirdo.’ Yeah she said that to me days before.

Me: “I’m hurt Margot. I’m hurt enough……And you come to my house and want to have sex with me after you had sex with him? Fuck no! I’m glad I did not do anything inside you. Who knows what this guy has. If we had had sex that time I would feel horrible. If we were gonna have sex that night you should of told me.”

Me: “I offered everything you wanted from me. Everything. You turned me down just so you could have sex with a stranger. I don’t understand that. I loved you. I knew something else happened that night. I felt it.”

Her: “You called me 25 times, Robert.”

Me: “Yeah I called you a lot. I was there. I knew whereabouts he lived and parked somewhere and tried to call you. I knew in some dark room somewhere you were lying next to him…..Oh my gosh! That is the most disgusting feeling in the world to me. That hurts me more than you can imagine.”

Me: “I don’t know what to do with you. You’ve lost it. You’ve lost your realness to me. You prefer alcohol over me. That’s what it seemed like if you’re gonna blame alcohol is the reason you guys had sex. You chose alcohol before your emotions and your care for me.”

Me: “I was doing really good today, too. I saw friends and had a good time. And then I come home to this. You just continue to punch me in the gut everyday with something you haven’t told me yet—the distance, the distance between us. This is why you’ve been acting this way towards me. You knew what you did. That’s why you had this wall.”

Her: “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I was afraid you would flip out.”

Me: “You should have gave it some time! Take it fuckin easy for a minute! You move too quick! That was too fucking quick! I told you that. I told you to take it slow. You have to respect my heart because I’m soft for you. The least thing you could’ve done for me you could not do. Is it really that hard to be alone for a month while I mourn? It’s a huge blow…..I don’t think you realize the damage you’ve cause to me and yourself. You’re not even aware of it…..I needed you to be sensitive with me and you weren’t.”

Her: “Sorry.”

Me: “This is the worst break-up ever. You could’ve done things differently. The reason why you did it like this shows your true feelings. I know you say you want me to feel better but your actions show the complete opposite…..I’ve lied to you. Everybody’s capable of lying….And in a way maybe you did make the right move to not tell me right when it happened.”

Me: “Your actions show me that you’ll get along just fine without me. That you’ll find some other douche bag guy that you want to fuck because you’re drunk. You don’t need me. Your words have lost their value to me.”

Her: “I turned him down before already. I’m just saying it was kind of like the perfect storm.”

Me: “Oh this is just so much baby, I don’t know.”

Her: “Look I’m sorry I didn’t handle everything the best way.”

Me: “Every time we took a break you were the one that immediately moved on to somebody else.”

Her: “And how about when we weren’t technically on any sort of break, you were just on tour? And I felt just as strongly as you do about me then when that happened. I felt like we were dating. And you didn’t tell me about it for 7 months and you were never going to tell me about that.”

Me: “I know. You’re right. That was wrong of me. I’ve made my mistakes. And yeah it’s a cosmic payback. It doesn’t make it right…………………………….Gosh I love you. Margot, I love you so much. I really do.”

Her: “Sorry I did that.”

Me: “Everybody does things the wrong way. It happens all the time. I can’t judge you. I’ve made mistakes too......I want to hate you but I love you so much. That’s how powerful love is. Love is powerful in the way that it forgives.”

Me: “You really are a wild one. Please hurry up and get it out of your system so we can be together again.”

Me: “So was it good?”

Her: “Really?”

Me: “Was it?”

Her: “Um. I don’t know. It was alright.”

Me: “I mean as good as drunk sex can be I guess.”

She tells me about how often he tried to encourage having sex the times she hung out with him, “I was like no, I don’t really want to do that. I said I’m trying to date the person I’m sleeping with. He said okay that’s cool.”

Me: “I just want to come kidnap you and we’re gonna go somewhere for like a month out of the city, somewhere in the country. Or maybe we’ll just drive. I really want kidnap you right now.”

Her: “I can’t. I have a job.”

Jokingly I say, “I think I’m gonna come rape you soon.”

Her: “Wohoa.”

Me: “Yeah man I gotta claim my territory again.”


Referring to sex she says, “I don’t think you really want that.”

Me: “Margot, I will always want that. I miss that.”

Her: “I was really afraid of how you were gonna take it if I told you then. Like seriously I was afraid for your well-being. I felt like you would’ve fallen to pieces.”

Me: “I think if you had told me that morning the first thing I would’ve done was driven to his house and confronted him.”

Her: “Exactly. That would’ve been my worst nightmare.”

Her: “He told me, ‘Yeah I had to tell her. She’s really upset even though we’re on a break. And I was like, ‘Whoa. Break? Or are you guys broken up?’ I feel really awful now, like, cause that would’ve changed everything if I knew that was the situation.”

Me: “The thing that you did with Les was shallow. That’s upsetting on my end when you keep professing you don’t like shallow things.”

Her: “I don’t. I didn’t really think that was gonna happen. It just kind of did. I don’t even know how it initiated.”

Me: “That’s because you were drunk.”

Her: “That wasn’t a good combination I know.”

Me: “I know you’re smarter than that to do something that shallow. Everybody does shallow things sometimes. I have. Alright, I gotta go to work.”

Here’s a throwback situation between her and I last year:

Newspaper route.

Eating a Cheese Danish with Milk from 7-11.

I’ve gotta work all this out in my head once again. No Coast to Coast radio tonight. Just an examination on my thoughts----------------------------------------My reaction? I want to say Slut! I want to say Fuck you bitch! Get out of my life! I want to exterminate her from my life. But something overpowers me. Something stops me from feeling hate. Something just tells me to forgive. Robert, it’s not worth it. Forgive and move on.

I love you. You know I love you. I’m always gonna love you. But that does not necessarily mean that you’re good for me. But gosh how I want you. You’re so bad for me but I want you.

Back home. Still not feeling good—sick to my stomach. That guy did not deserve to have such an experience with her.


Eating Scrambled Eggs. Carrot. Artesian Garlic Bread.

I get a text from her out of nowhere: “Hey I’m really sorry. I just randomly woke up and in my mind went straight to thinking about last night. I really do love you and care about you even though my actions of late say otherwise. You’re such a special person and deserved better than that. I wish I could’ve been there with you to hold you and comfort you.”

As I’m reading it I feel such a wonderful feeling of love and grace. I call her immediately. She’s got a sleepy voice.

Me: “I needed that.”

Me: “For years I’ve tried to analyze you. I wish I could understand The Psychology of Margot.”

Her: “I love you.”

Me: “Oh I love you so much. I mean, every time I say it my eyes get watery and I feel a heaviness in my face.”

Sleep 10:30 a.m.

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