Wednesday August 1 2012


Waking up around 12:30 p.m. to a rainstorm and Ambrotious nuzzling his face into my folded arm.

Cinnamon Oatmeal with Brown Sugar, Raisins, and Milk.


Grilled Cheese. Five Guys French Fries. Honey Green Tea.

Watching Snake Eyes (1998).

Darren pops the question I always feared he’d ask eventually, “Have you had sex with my sister?”

I have no choice but to tell him the truth and face the wrath to come, “I did have sex with her the other night when she was here. She slept in my room with me. I take full responsibility.”

He explodes into an angry monologue of a kind I’ve never seen before, yelling and ridiculing me. I deserve every harsh word. Kevin happens to be standing nearby making it a truly awkward scene, considering he also slept with her a year ago. Darren slams his bedroom door and ends with, “And in case it’s any mystery I’m moving out!” 

I feel like ultimate shit. I don’t know what the real issue is here though except for the fact that Gillian is his sister. He has proved to be overprotective of her, especially in regards to her erratic sexual behavior. But her and I have been friends and keep close contact with each other on and off.

I leave the house and text him...

“Darren, I don’t know how to tell you how sorry I am. you’ve been one of my best friends for the past year or so...and now I’ve lost your respect. I didn’t mean for that to happen but its no excuse. I have other thoughts on this I want to share. again, I apologize sincerely.”

Him: “I’m glad you apologize and all but there’s really no excuse. I know my sister is a slut but you should’ve been an adult and put my feelings first. I’m not willing to look past or forgive this and I’m moving out asap.”

Me: “I hate that I fucked up our friendship. I had actually planned on talking with you about it this week. I feel like I betrayed you. I don’t expect you to forgive or even look past this. I’m so sorry. Since breaking up with Margot I’ve entered a wild phase that I haven’t experienced before: being single. I’m all over the place...not sure of how to deal with it. Gillian made her own choice and so did I.”

Him: “And now I am and both of you can go fuck yourselves.”

Me: “also her and I have been good friends on and off. its not something that happened out of the blue. we have a certain kind of relationship. I respect her. and despite my actions not showing it I do respect you, which is why I’m being honest with you.”

Him: “Robert I’m over talking about this. Take your cheesy bullshit and shove it. You’re an adult you should have had more respect for me. This conversation is over. Fuck yourself.” 

Riding my bike to pick up my car from the shop. With the air condition hoses replaced and a new condenser I feel 100% cooler. It’s probably been a year since the AC worked.


Working out and running at the gym with heavy thoughts on my mind.

Have I turned into a Casanova? Am I becoming careless in my sensationalism? Why does sex cut people so deeply? I know I’ve felt those pangs before. I’ve been there.

Back home.

Coconut Water.

I grab Kevin and we join the cookout/pool party at Stephanie’s house on the bay. A lot of friends show up. Sharing beers and laughter.

Haddock Filets with Squash, Zucchini, and Onions on the grill. 

It’s good to be here despite the heavy burden I possess. Half sarcastically I rant to Rachel amidst the crowd in regards to it.

Me: “No I’m a bad person. I am a sham!”

Of course I don’t divulge anything but rather hide behind a rhetorical act. Kevin knows and understands.

People jump into the pool with their PBR’s and cigarettes. Bouncing on the trampoline. Swaying in a hula-hoop. Jokes are made on Elliott for taking on the role of a P.E. teacher.

“Mr. Malvas! Mr. Malvas!” 

Dream sharing and discussions. Jamming in the den with drums and guitar.

Back home.

Dutched Cocoa Crème Cookies and Milk.

Watching Snake Eyes (1998).

Sleep around 4 a.m.

[i] All images by me.

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