Wednesday August 3 2011

Waking up just after 1 p.m.

Breakfast: Bagel with Cream Cheese. Orange Juice.

Pulling my bike out of the broken mini van…taking a day ride…it’s cloudy so the sun isn’t too overbearing. At The Heritage Store—mainly to get some shampoo fortified with Vitamin E and Biotin, and without Lauryl Sulfates. Scooping up some trail mix they have in barrels—eating that for lunch along with a Strawberry Kombucha Tea. As I’m walking out the door I run into Aj—I go back in with her to help search for multi-vitamins and a mushroom complex…

Visiting Leisa across the street…locking my bike up next to a tree—afraid of the parading ants that will crawl onto my seat. Sitting in her room browsing online, sharing discoveries, talking about personas and vanity and human tendencies and frustrations with…well, you know what I mean.

I notice The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz sitting on her bookshelf. Reading them out loud…

Agreement 1: Be impeccable with your word - Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

Agreement 2: Don’t take anything personally - Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

Agreement 3: Don’t make assumptions - Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Agreement 4: Always do your best - Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.”

On the ride back home…thinking about the past two days and how they’ve been centered on human interaction as opposed to Robert being productive. Normally I get overwhelmed with too much time spent with others but this time I’m fulfilled and healthy….

Raven’s picking up the last of her stuff in Virginia Beach—stopping by for a minute to help carry out whatever’s left…God knows I’m gonna get reprimanded for this later by Margot. But I have nothing to hide and I refuse to feel guilty for desiring relationship with other people in my life—developing friendships that will be beneficial. She feels insecure because she doesn’t know her and of course thinks the worst-case scenario, like me cheating on her, which is NOT the case. Plus it looks bad that I’ve been in communication with Raven almost every day while Margot and I have been on this break. What can I do to relieve her from worry? I’m not going to cease contact with someone whom I could benefit from. My relationship with Margot has been growing for a long time, so much that we can say I love you to each other. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of the disconnect, the way we don’t get along, the judgments, the guilt, the insecurity…I mean, I’m not saying that most of this stuff wouldn’t develop even in a new relationship but it shouldn’t be tolerated for this long. I just need to be alone. I need to be by myself…and have good friends around me. I love her so much. And this is the only thing holding me back from letting go. I know it will feel like death to separate. I already know what that feels like with her. Is it time to go through this one last time?

Eating a Grilled Cheese with lots of Tomatoes. Salt n Vinegar Chips. Lemonade.

All of us are hanging out in Darren and Anthony’s room—Alex Bailey is here drawing with his markers while Anthony and I jam on guitars making up haunting and cutsie melodies and grabbing lyrics from a letter this girl Leslie (a doodle monster) wrote…something about cucumbers stealing the pickle titleship…a silly song about Margot…“That’s the worst!”

Anthony and Rachel start counting down the minutes and seconds to my birthday. Midnight rolls around—they jump on top of me suffocating me with excitement…

Kevin brings home the goods (PIZZA)—eating a bunch of slices with an Oatmeal Stout…

We taped the big map of the world on the wall in the living room—Darren of course takes the opportunity to point out the political and economical flaws in each country—preaching about existential demise and being a slave.

Anthony: “I’m gonna kidnap you and we’re gonna walk the Appalachian trail! I’m 80% serious!”

Talking about Lauren, our nanny, Anthony says, “She’s our punk rock Mary Poppins.”

The queen had to close tonight but I agreed on her coming over after. She walks into my room with a look that says “I’m feeling pretty bad about life right now”. So we dive right into it, the dreaded conversation that makes us both feel pretty bad about life.

What do you want? What do you think we should do? There I am as usual trying to avoid making any kind of decision…,,,,I just want you to come to an understanding,,,,…it’s a sour exchange of words and she can’t get off it, this new character in my life, new friends…it makes her uncomfortable. It’s just another wrench in the machine, our machine, our home that we’ve created over a long period of time. And yet it’s a home with a list of repairs. “Let’s look at the issues between us…” I mean, there’s no difference in this discussion and the other discussions we’ve already had in the past two weeks. Should I stay or should I go? Should we keep this up or quit?

Me: “I need to feel free. And to be honest, I don’t feel free with you. The person you love should make you feel free, not caged. You stress me out a lot…I mean we do have our good times when we’re happy…”

There’s a really sad moment—my eyes get watery, “I’ve given so much of myself to you…” I kiss her shoulder and touch different parts of her body as if to make sure she’s not going to vanish.

This part’s a little lighter…

Her: “A woman’s allowed to change what she wants.”

Me: “So I’m not? That’s not fair.”

Her: “A man is supposed to be…[she firms up her left hand and swipes it through the air]”

Me: “What does that mean?”

She repeats.

Her: “That’s why a woman has curves and a man doesn’t.”

I watch her take off her work shorts, blue panties in sight. I immediately dart over instinctually and embrace her flaming presence. It’s time for love. We deserve that. I feel intensity in the way she moves and the way I respond…sweat developing on her slick sexy back. I last a while, with intention…to savor…the…fire.

Sleep sometime after 6 a.m.

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