Friday August 12 2011

Waking up after 11 a.m. for China Wok—all day shift ahead of me…

Breakfast: A Peach and a Plum.

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do."

---Eleanor Roosevelt

"We need, in love, to practice only this: letting each other go. For holding on comes easily; we do not need to learn it."

---Rainer Maria Rilke

“I was told Earth was a planet when I was born but it might be an asteroid when I die.”

---Darren Fleet (Adbusters Issue#96)

Lunch: Bagel with Peanut Butter. Kettle Cooked Potato Chips with Avocado. Lemonade.

Reading Adbusters and consolidating emails…

It’s incredibly slow at work today—I’ve taken maybe three orders in the past four hours.

Napping in the hot car…


Delivering an order on Air Station Road. The guy’s order is $14.31. He hands me a wad of cash and some change. I count it back in the car. It’s only 10 bucks in cash and $1.81 in coins. I’m missing a little over 2 bucks. I return to the door to inform him that I need more money. I’m left waiting for a few minutes. Then, another guy opens up demanding his money back—he claims he gave me $15 and accuses me of stealing.

Me: “Are you serious? Sir, this is what you gave me…”

Him: “I don’t care! Just give me my money back…”

He threatens to call my boss and get me fired. The longer I stay alive the more I believe that people are generally crazy and don’t have the ability to reason or understand logic…This is ridiculous! Why would I feel the need to lie to this customer? I wonder if he legitimately wasn’t aware that he only gave me $10, or maybe he didn’t have enough money to begin with and made these outrageous claims to try and get away with it, or to save face. Oh the things we do.

Major headache caused from incompetent customers…

A few songs come up on my Ipod that remind me of her and the musical kingdom I created in my mind solely for her.

Strawberry Yogurt.

Business today was horrible…

Dinner: Breaded Cod Fillets dipped in Spicy Vinegar Ketchup. Jasmine Rice with Onions and Peppers. Broccoli. Williamsburg White Ale.

Watching The Other Man [2008].

She calls me…the queen that is…not sure if I can call her that anymore, but it feels natural to anyway. I didn’t answer at first but decide to call back. She’s lonely and sad and depressed—on her way to Wal-Mart because she needed to get out of the house and none of her other friends could be there. I stress the importance of having other people to confide in that’s not her or I. It helps.

Her: “Come outside!”

I didn’t even invite her over but she shows up. Here we are…outside in the black sea parking lot of Chanticleer—she’s crying and exclaiming beautiful sweet words like “I want to be with you forever” and “I don’t want anyone else” and “You’re perfect”. Part of me is glad I had the opportunity to see those glittery eyes. I stand there embracing…caressing…comforting…

Me: “You’re so sweet.

I know this pain she’s feeling. And so does she. We’ve both been here before. The mood turns playful as she affectionately attempts to trap me with her touch—placing my hands on her chest…she’s notorious for putting my hands wherever she wants them.

She runs inside the house and up to my room—I follow. We lie down together—bad thoughts—good thoughts—she tries to instigate sexual things and as much as I really want to, I prevent it from happening…

Me: “That wouldn’t be good right now…”

I remind her that we need to have no contact for a while, a few weeks at least…to mull things over. I know myself too well. I’m not one to act rashly but even if I do, the effects don’t take a toll immediately. I know that in a week or two I will start to feel the emptiness and the disconnect.

Her and I: “I love you so much.

This song stands out to me…Been Here Before by Jeremy Enigk…

Been here before

Though there's something in the air this time

Now I wanna give away what I've taken back

Run away with you toward the night

A thousand names

Though there's something in me cannot smile

Don't wanna spend the day retracing steps

Run away with you toward the light

I can't stay long in the morning

Another one went wrong

It's okay now that you're gone

Only in your eyes a sudden need denied

I sympathize

A diamond daze

A thousand strands of sunlight in her eyes

Now I wanna give away what I've taken back

Step away with you toward the night

I can't stay long in the morning

Another one went wrong

It's okay now that you're gone

Only in your eyes a sudden need denied

I sympathize

For whatever it means, Anthony texts me this: “Vanity upon vanity, all is vanity.”

Eating a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

Sleep 4 a.m.

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