Thursday August 11 2011

DREAM: I’m in Arbor Trace Apartments where Raven used to live…but it’s understood I’m living here or maybe I’m just here for a one-time purpose. Raven is supposed to be arriving soon from Richmond to hang out just for the day. She shows up, but almost immediately she is obligated to drive this group of people to Norfolk for whatever reason, maybe her mom is making her do it (I think they’re family).

Me: “Why are you doing this? That’s going to cut into our schedule because it will take at least an hour and a half to drive to Norfolk and back.”

I’m not sure why I thought it would take that long but for some reason I’m worried and feel crunched for time. I go back inside the house. She follows, and tries to talk to me. I’m confused and irritated because she’s wasting time when she could be getting the Norfolk trip over with. Her mom baked a fresh loaf of Berry Bread. I grab a slice that doesn’t have butter on it—it’s warm. I’m finding it difficult to spread my own butter on it.

I keep waking in and out of sleep—rustling in the bed sheets—an anxious and unsettling feeling from the dream…

It’s around 11 a.m. and I’m awoken by Raven in my room—she’s here in Virginia Beach just for the day to pick up some packages. It’s good to see her spritely face again. Anthony once described her as a “slurpee with legs”. The metaphor is accurate…I would have to agree. Lounging…talking, waxing poetic, and sharing space…recognizing the multi-levels of any form of relationship:

First level: recognition of existence

Second level: drive to understand (connect)

Third level: indulgence

I think there should be a fourth but not sure what that is just yet.

Her scent is really alluring—I’m obsessed with smells. It’s some sort of cotton candy neoclassical musk body scent…

Internally, I feel conflicted. Maybe it’s just that I’m so conscious/aware of the foreign terrain…foreign futures. I even comment on it—how concerned I am about Margot. I know she’s hurting. I hurt too. And I told her I would never just up and leave her for someone else. It’s a horrible state of affairs to be in. I’ve been there. I refuse to do that to her. But I need another person to help me move along, not a rebound, just a friend, a friend whose sole motive isn’t jumping in my pants………but to allow an opening, an invitation to know that there are other wonderful people that exist in this world, other people that could reciprocate a “Yeah I know what you mean.” Raven has been a good friend in this respect by offering non-biased insight and comfort and consolation and understanding. Moral support is important…I also get this through Anthony and other friends that I choose to dispense my situation to.

Breakfast: Peanut Butter and Biscoff Spread Bagels. Orange Juice.

We all cramp into my wagon (Kelly, Raven, Anthony, Jonathan, and Blake) and head to Pungo. Kelly knows this guy Mark who has a farm right in the heart of rural Virginia Beach. Pulling up the long gravel driveway…trampling through the fields…picking watermelon, eggplant, peppers, and tomatoes…an old rusted car stuck amongst the trees...Hundreds of St. John’s Cross spiders standing guard in the hot greenhouse…Jonathon accidently drops one of the watermelons snapping it open. This isn’t such a bad thing—I crack it open more and we indulge, scooping our hands into the juicy pink flesh. Picking fresh eggs…trading for peppers…cat kingdom…fig withdrawal.

Lunch: Egg Sandwich with Mayonnaise and Tomato. Salt n Vinegar Chips. Lemonade.

Watching Universal Soldier: Regeneration [2009].

Making dinner with Kelly using Quinoa, Peppers, Eggplant, and Tomatoes. Then, baking bread from scratch…a bunch of people in the kitchen sharing the wealth…Josh recounts his recent ought with the law and his single day jail experience. This leads into a discussion about abuse of power in the legal system…

I receive a disheartening message from Margot—a desperate plea to return to what we once were. It’s filled with pain and anguish and sadness…with things like “My fire has gone out without you” and “I’m a vacant shell”. I feel it so intensely…I feel her heart…It hits me hard…I love her so much and care about her so much.

Cinnamon Toast Crunch…

1435 Internal affairs going on around me…

In a quiet place…Kelly reads Blankets by Craig Thompson while I read Nature by Emerson…

I’m tired…so terribly tired…

Sleep sometime after 3:30 a.m.

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